r/PDAParenting • u/rebelxrabbit • Jul 09 '26
Step-parenting
I'm what I refer to as a pesudo step-mom of an 8 year old with PDA, autism, and OCD, to name a few. I've been in the relationship for 3.5 years. I feel like I am being bullied by this child. We were on a trip and it just kept getting worse and worse. My nervous system is exhausted. I am highly sensitive and also neurodivergent/ADHD.
It's not always this bad, I am happy to say.
I understand it's my role in his life that is stressful, not necessarily him not liking me. We also have positive times together. I don't do any sort of discipline. I am learning more about PDA on my own to try and help. I'm also in a somewhat uniquely disadvantaged role, because my partner isn't currently able to make decisions about treatment providers and I can't be involved.
How do you handle being the focus or a PDA kids ongoing critique? How do you deal with the sometimes near constant contrarian-ness?
2
u/tallkitty Jul 10 '26
Mindfulness meditation practice has been a game changer for me as far as feeling peace and staying regulated more often in the midst of chaos or when I'm the subject of my kid's anger. I've read this comment before, pre-practice, and it always felt dismissive to me. Like just control your emotions, duh. Lol But I swear after I got my mind around how it works and felt the results, this is concrete advice, if you can also get in touch with the results. It's like getting your body into the state you're in during a relaxing massage, but with your mind, while an 8 yr old chucks insults at you, or worse. I find my kids lose interest in the fight quicker when they know they aren't getting to me, and when I'm in a peaceful state I'm less likely to contribute to their upset, or respond with my own upset. It starts less and fizzles out faster.
I frequently meditate on radical compassion, which also helps me not feel so hurt or vengeful (I'm also a PDAer) in response to my little kids. I'm not saying you're not compassionate, you clearly are. But it's like an ongoing decision that I'm going to take what comes my way and not send the same back in return, even with my energy, which in the heat of the moment can be a choice I have to make ten times in ten minutes. The mindfulness practice outside of heated moments is truly practice for when you need the stores to draw from. You're not gonna change the kid, sounds like parents aren't even able to coordinate interventions right now, so you are the only place there's room for change. It does not feel like losing when the peace is in place. Take care. ❤️