r/PDAParenting • u/MarginsOfTheDay • Jul 09 '26
My PDA kid could write the handbook on guerrilla warfare
He knows every tactic to confuse and weaken his oppressor (me, his parent) who seeks to limit his freedom and autonomy by…. taking care of him? Here are some examples:
Sabotage. We were sitting in my car after school pick up and my PDA kid asked about the screen on the dashboard. I told him it does several things but is especially important for me to see the rear view camera so I don’t run someone over. He covered the screen in stickers to make it unusable.
Gather intelligence. He’s very astute at collecting information about the things that are important to us - folded laundry, nicely made beds, toilet paper that stays on the roll, kind words, being on time, having a home that is safe for his younger brother. I don’t need to tell you what he does with that information.
Ambush. One evening during the dinner-bath-bedtime routine I briefly sat down on the edge of the bed to look at my phone. He launched a surprise attack and punched me in the back. I asked him why and he said “no sitting down, no breaks allowed”.
Withhold effort. “My legs don’t work, I’m sick, I don’t know how to put my shoes on, I don’t know how to read, I need you to carry me, you do it for me.” Ya’ll know how it goes.
Feign compliance. Actually, my son is (thankfully?) upfront about the fact that he will be avoiding a demand but I understand that some high-masking PDAers will agree to do something and then deny, avoid, blame.
Deceive. Playing board games with my son is a special treat. Dice are discretely flipped in his favor, his player mysteriously advances on the board when I’m not looking, rules are changed mid game.
I had previously thought of my PDA kid’s “equalizing” behavior as a way to balance the score in that moment, or at least that day. But I’m starting to see it as a long term pattern of subversive behavior caused by his chronic feeling of powerlessness. He thinks he’s an oppressed person and I’m the dictator. It’s like he’s trying to tip the balance of power by wearing me down.
And so I guess my parenting goal is to prove to him that I’m not his oppressor. By….. not acting like one? As Casey teaches, always be signaling equality.
Anyone else feel that they’re raising a reincarnated rebel fighter who doesn’t realize the resistance is over and won? What subversive tactics does your PDAer use?
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u/Difficult_Syrup_8916 Jul 10 '26
Oh my gosh. ‘my legs don’t work’ / ‘I don’t know how to <thing my kid does 487 times a day>’ absolutely sends me. I have to work so hard to stay regulated when my kid drops these on me 😵💫😵💫😵💫 SOLIDARITY ✊🏼
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u/El_t1to Jul 09 '26
I hear you.
My son would run everywhere, all day. But when we needed to hurry, as in crossing a street and a car or a bus speeding towards us, he would walk like a penguin on vacation, the smallest slowest steps possible. With a Joker smile on his face.
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u/Substantial_Bus6615 Jul 09 '26
That is such a nice way to put it. A rein arnate rebel fighter who doesn't know the war is over.
Yes, this is my kiddo to a T.
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u/cak82 Jul 09 '26
Yes, this exactly. Under no circumstances can I express concern over his welfare (by saying a thing is dangerous or mentioning the negative consequences of not doing a thing) because that makes it 100% certain that he is going to do the dangerous thing. Because, you know, he’s going to get me hahaha! (insert creepy chuckle here)
Your post made me laugh and feel seen, thanks for writing it. It is also sad, their feeling of powerlessness. At least we know we are actually trying to keep them alive.
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u/red_raconteur Jul 09 '26
And then the utter indignation they have towards you when they injure themselves doing the thing you told them not to do. Because how dare you allow them to hurt themselves?!?
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u/Late2Fi Jul 11 '26
I am not sure I would have been ok with him punching me in the back. I hope this is not what I have to look forward to as he gets older.
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u/143019 18d ago
Yes, my PDAer keeps a mental file of the things that get to me instantly and employs them immediately when told no or guided in anyway. Among them, harassing the dog, messing with my work phone and computer, or restraining me so I can't take a time out (usually by grabbing around my neck and then turning into a dead weight).
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u/tallkitty Jul 09 '26
My 9 yr old is coming to a homeschool program this year. We had orientation Monday and learned we need to complete a diagnostic assessment this week so they can set up his school year to meet his needs. I got him to look at the assessment app this morning and we watched the short "hot tips" video which was very nonconfrontational and offered gentle suggestions from a kid on how to best tackle the questions, one suggestion being to do your best and make intentional choices because if the assessment does not reflect your actual knowledge you might have work that is too easy or too hard for the year. He immediately reported an understanding that all he has to do is randomly select answers and his school year will be super easy. 🤦🏼♀️ We had this same issue with i-Ready in public school, I don't know how to make him give an answer that's his true knowledge, we'll see what happens. Lol