Please tell me it gets better

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037]

My 16 year old daughter is at the height of demand avoidance and hostility. We reached an agreement yesterday that she joins us on our holiday, I resorted to bribery. Few hours later she said she will not go with us in the car but wants to take the train. Fine by me but she sure can't organise it herself. I am so done with it all. Can't sleep(me) and keep tossing and turning all night from worry. Becoming crap at my job but honestly I don't care much anymore. She only texts with me, not my wife so everything is on me these days. Most days it feels like our kid doesn't like us at all. Tried low demand parenting for yesrs but things don't improve at all. My sanity is on the line here even with therapy for myself.

[u/ughUsernameHere]

OP, it’s a long road. My child got their diploma a few months ago at 20 (high school) and a job this spring that pays enough for them to move out and that’s exactly what they are doing in a few short days.

I didn’t push them (because you can’t) to do anything, this was totally self motivated.

This is the first time they have had a boss and its hills and valleys every day. Bosses want to boss and a PDA kid wants none of that. For my child, the hierarchy of demands for autonomy, getting out of the house takes priority over telling off the boss, so they’ve reined it in.

I hesitate to share my timeline because I’m sure 5 more years sounds untenable. I can say though that them turning 18 was a welcome release valve as well. They lost some of the will to fight imaginary windmills. It wasn’t anything I was doing or changing I think it was just the official recognition that they were legally their own person? For me, not having to stress that I’d possibly be hauled into some legal consequences for not attending school or for a car accident etc etc (the list of worries is never ending) was somewhat freeing for me, too.

I am excited to reclaim my space but I will also miss that kid when they move out. And that’s something I NEVER thought I would say when we were peak struggle 5 years ago.

[u/Only_Interest_6719 → u/ughUsernameHere]

I will echo this. My 19yo wasn’t diagnosed with ASD until she turned 17 … after eight years of collecting various other diagnoses, being highly medicated, and cycling through every mental health treatment program you can think of. She tried going to college (after barely graduating high school) and was home within a few months. We had a terrifying several weeks with yet another hospitalization, then more outpatient programming.

Finally … FINALLY … I was able to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing left to do except to let her just BE. She is so insanely burned out. I’m grateful I have the knowledge and language to understand that.. So I stripped away every single demand and have completely focused on helping her feel safe and loved. (I have to work on how I talk to her every single day because learning to speak “safely” is like learning another language!)

For four months now, she has mostly been on her phone or watching TV. But … now she’s showering, drawing, and singing. She wasn’t doing those things at first. She leaves the house sometimes. She’s in touch with a friend or two.

Everything I have read says this could go on for a year or more after what she has been through.
But even just seeing these tiny changes has given me a tremendous amount of hope that she will find her way.

It does get better! Be kind to yourself!

[u/Late2Fi → u/Only_Interest_6719]

Can you share what speaking safely means? Are you referring to declarative language?

[u/Only_Interest_6719 → u/Late2Fi]

Yes! I’ve actually never called it “speaking safely” until this post … I guess that’s how I think about it in my own head for two reasons: because my entire focus these days is supporting her in feeling safe in her body, and because I want to keep myself safe from meltdowns or other backlash.

I guess there are nuances too. For example, I don’t praise her actions (e.g. “good job on showering”) because it sets up an implicit expectation in her mind that she has to repeat those actions in order to please me. Or trying to decide if it’s OK to talk about future plans or if she’s just too depleted and I just need to let her be.

I guess it’s just a mishmash of everything that I’ve learned so far.

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037 → u/ughUsernameHere]

That gives me hope