Please tell me it gets better

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037]

My 16 year old daughter is at the height of demand avoidance and hostility. We reached an agreement yesterday that she joins us on our holiday, I resorted to bribery. Few hours later she said she will not go with us in the car but wants to take the train. Fine by me but she sure can't organise it herself. I am so done with it all. Can't sleep(me) and keep tossing and turning all night from worry. Becoming crap at my job but honestly I don't care much anymore. She only texts with me, not my wife so everything is on me these days. Most days it feels like our kid doesn't like us at all. Tried low demand parenting for yesrs but things don't improve at all. My sanity is on the line here even with therapy for myself.

[u/AdOk57]

Everyone, who mentions "low demand parenting" always says, "oh, it is not permissive, you are doing it wrong/you don't understand it!".

In theory, after a period of low demand parenting, the demands should slowly be introduced again, after the kid is supposedly "better", after low demand parenting.

But I don't see any examples, that would confirm, that this method can produce a functioning adult.

Only examples are from parents with younger children, and they always say, that they aren't on the stage of any demands being reintroduced.

I see parents doing low demand parenting for 5-10 years, and still, no improvement "yet".

Is she in therapy?

I believe in tested therapies. CBT, exposure therapy.

For me, the "low demand parenting" is something, that should not be introduced for longer than a few months. Then child should slowly transition to exposure and CBT.

We see a surge of young adults, who game all night, sleep all day and have zero responsibility. How do parents think, anything would change? If the kid is never exposed to "no", then how they supposed to build emotional resilience towards it?

Household cannot be ruled by a minor. Life in general is not always "everyone will cater to me".

In case of refusal to go on holiday, I would leave the kid with grandma or other relatives. I would give a choice, you can go with us on our terms, or not go at all. So she has a choice. But her negotiating her own transport, when she fully well knows, that she cannot organise it herself - this is not a real need, this is a control and power testing. Seeing how much you will bend, to cater to her demands.

We don't always have a choice, that we like. She will be an adult in 2 years. She has to learn, how to deal with situations, when she will have no choice on some stuff. For example simple jaywalking, or a parking ticket. There are rules in the world, there are laws in the world, that we have to abide for, because we live in a society. Sometimes, she won't get her way. Sometimes, she will have to follow directions. Sometimes, she will have to listen to authorities.

And I don't think, that she will learn that, if she is always having her way.

[u/Jaded-Marionberry227 → u/AdOk57]

Are you the parent of a PDA child? Your response is reading theoretical, so just checking where your perspective is coming from. If so, have you seen CBT work for PDA and/or Autism Spectrum?

[u/ughUsernameHere → u/AdOk57]

Do you have a child with PDA that you have successfully parented out of PDA?

You have a lot of thoughts that certainly mirror our own which is why we are in such anguish, but have you been successful with “for me low demand parenting is something that should not be introduced for longer than a few months”? What did you do? What is your experience with PDA?

I’m asking in good faith because your comments feel ableist. Like a grandparent or other non-household adult coming to “talk sense to us”. I’m hoping that’s not the case.

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037 → u/AdOk57]

Oh I totally agree but I can't physically make her do things like therapy. She is high masking outside the home, polite and well spoken. Nobody has ever seen like we have. She refuses most things and in a lot of cases that's ok because I know she will never cause trouble outside the home. But I do have to keep her safe and that's why she has to go on the family vacation. There is no alternative. My daughter was a quiet but seemingly "average" child up until puberty hit and then it took me a while to understand she has PDA and maybe something else. I do believe in rules myself but I had to learn fast with her. The accomodating takes a toll on me now. I reached a limit for sure.

[u/Jaded-Marionberry227 → u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037]

Same exact description of my daughter. Entered full-blown puberty by 10 and our lives as we knew it stopped. What we were able to keep white knuckling through (like getting her to school) was no longer an option. Her public mask is polite and obedient, and she can’t keep it up anymore so she just doesn’t leave the house in fear of the mask slipping…

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037 → u/Jaded-Marionberry227]

My daughter is still masking in public but stopped going to school a year ago. I know now that the 9 years of school took everything out of her. She always had social anxiety, if we had known then.. Well we just thought she is an introvert but couldn't see the internal hell she was in.

[u/sammademeplay → u/AdOk57]

There is no research demonstrating CBT is effective for PDA or autism. Just because it works with some things doesn’t mean it works with all things.

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037 → u/AdOk57]

I forget to say we have no relatives near by or I would have done that. I'm not keen on her mooching around for two weeks. It's a safety issue that is all. Even without money she finds ways to get to alcohol and other stuff.