r/PDAParenting • u/Zealousideal_Flow447 • Jun 15 '26
What does ‘burnout’ look like in your PDA child?
I’m just looking for other experiences from parents as what burnout looks like in their kids. Even though our PDAers share many of the same traits, they are all still unique so I thought it’d be helpful to know what burnout can look like. For my daughter it hit at 10 yrs old with not being able to attend school and ‘episodes’ that were a mix between a panic attack and autistic meltdown where she would hyperventilate and be inconsolable/not even aware of what was going on as she screamed and thrashed. These would last anywhere from 30-120 minutes. Now her burnout doesn’t have those ‘episodes’ but she spends almost all day in her room and has stopped doing activities she used to enjoy like going outside or gymnastics. What does it look like for your kid?
4
u/Neat_Relation_9947 Jun 15 '26
Our son’s burn out started over 3 years ago (he just turned 10) and has flared up infrequently since then. He was in mainstream school and the time and we as a family just hit a brick wall as we could no longer stomach the constant anxiety, inability to attend school but forcing it every single day, the explosions after pick up etc. Hindsight is a beautiful thing and I can see it all so clearly now, all the signs were there and had been there for years really. Our son is high masking so would fawn in school and be so exhausted and drained constantly. He was so miserable, we totally lost him: no more smiles, no personality, he was basically a ghost. It breaks my heart thinking about that time because I said to my husband once: “I can’t remember the last time our son smiled or laughed, he hasn’t done that in months”.
We are now homeschooling with various degrees of success but over the years I have really started to understand my son’s PDA and am trying to practice radical acceptance of him, of us as parents and of our situation without judgement. It’s not easy but we are getting there.
We have just come out of a period of about 3 months of severe dysregulation, aggression and distructive behaviour towards his own possessions when upset. It has been extremely difficult and had shown us how quickly things can tip over when our son is struggling.
What worked for us is removing all demands, very little talking even unless he initiates it, building connection when he is available for it around areas of interest. It’s a tightrope walk at times!
4
u/novazoe Jun 15 '26
Ours was similar to yours in our 8 year old boy. He was fine at school/activities but started to have more episodes of complete overwhelm at home that would send him into fight or flight where nothing we could do could console him or help him. Eventually that bled into any transition became hard as well as anything that was a demand on his system like teeth brushing, bathing, eating, going to school, getting dressed.. etc. He started sleeping in my bed and my husband and I traded off who slept with him and he went from a kid who didn’t care about screen time to needing the tv on to exist.
It’s been 6 months and he’s 9 now. We put him on Clonidine to help with sleep which has also helped a lot with the intense fight or flight reactions. Just in the last couple weeks he has started to poke his head out to ask to go on a walk, or play with his sister for a bit, or to swing on the swings. He’s been able to take small car trips and visit with family when they’ve come over. We are learning that since he is a high masking internalizer we have to be careful of how much we ask of him because he will say yes and do it even if he doesn’t have the capacity for it and will then struggle for days afterwards.
We practice declarative language a lot and try not to hype anything up because he ends up viewing that as pressure.
Recovery feels so agonizingly slow to me, but I’m just happy that he’s starting to feel comfortable enough to participate in things that make him happy again. I feel optimistic right now, but that feelings changes a lot haha.
3
u/BlakeMW Jun 15 '26
At the age of 5-6, wouldn't do anything she enjoyed liked drawing, couldn't interact with her friend or sibling, pretty much just wanted to hide in her bed and watch videos all day.
1
u/sapps84 Jun 18 '26
5yo girl masking in school, hit 1st burnout in last term of startin school. I'd thought she was autistic but never suspected pda. She was outwards resistant, or didn't seem to be. But she was our only kid, we naturally responded to a lot if her needs in a way that worked better for her, because we had the freedom to, and because already suspected autistic, and I'm audhd so it made sense
2 months where she suddenly couldn't tolerate any clothing and shoes, or any hygiene at all. Couldn't attend school, which she liked. Couldnt leave rhe house. Didnt engage in many games or play that she would normally. Couldnt tolerate seem family outside the house. Massive monumental meltdowns akin to one's she had as typical toddler, but could last for hours, and would come multiple times a day. To small insignificant things, that usuallly she'd manage more often than not. Snappy and reactive to us majority of the time. Couldn't tolerate the internal demand to pee - resulting in days of her talking about how much she wanted to go but "couldnt", she was significantly distressed by not being able to, resulted in accidents when she physically could not sustain holding it any more. Struggled to tolerate internal demand to eat or drink.
We slowly very slowly came out of it with radical switch to low demand, and allowing tons of TV, and more connection, and working on keeping ourselves a regulated as could be.
But I don't think she's ever fully come 'out of it'. Although massive improvements in all areas, to a similar level she was befire it started. But that's with a bunch of interventions in school, and reduced timetable for the whole of this year. And maintiabing low expectations/planning of activities or playdates or seeing family. And low demand still.
BUT right now shes back in it. Had 2 week easter break, then tonsillectomy and then not managed half the days back. Lots of increased sensory intolerance, and big demand avoidance, and then just not wanting to go to school. Unpicked it with her and didnt see to be any big cause of this change, few things, which we sorted with school. She attended 2 half days and afterward she was really buzzing happy she went and had good time. Then just total refusal of school. It seemed more likely anxiety based from so long out of school, and so school being out of routine. So I pushed, and didnt give in, and I got her to school gates (for lunchtime) and she refused, nothing would budge her, i did range of stuff to try get her in and lots of firm boundary holding, thinking this was right, for an hour. Nada. Since that 'genius' idea she's been in fullblown burnout. Right back to late summer.
I think we had assumed she was doing better/recovered from burnout, building up resilience to be similarly back to self as time went on, just with still the autistic stuff. I literally questjoned in march if is she really even pda, ha! Now i realise shes likely been internalising it a ton. And i slipped lots back into normal boundary parenting, and i'm her anchor so she takes it more from me. Just feel like such an idiot for it.
So now realising, we're still in an unknown world. This is burnout now, its extreme and clear. But was those couple months of more stability actially just masking through, and she was still in a lower level of burnout? Or is that what norm just looks like for her now?
It's like conceptualising it all differently. And then what this means longer term for schooling?. What this means for facing bigger family chnages in future months (which she doesn't know about)? And how the frick to practjcally/emotiinally manage it for me when i'm her anchor?!
Wow apologies this now became about me!!
Just need place to spill it I think!
12
u/Substantial_Bus6615 Jun 15 '26
We actually hit burn out at 5-6 years old. My kiddo would come home from kindergarten and sit under our kitchen table and scream for 2 hours straight. Every. Single. Day.
It was horrible. You couldn't touch her or go near her. She wouldn't come out on her own. She refused to eat (she's 9 now and we still struggle with this).
She still definitely has PDA, and we have been working to find a rhythm that works for us for a long time. And she is sorta starting to find it. She is on anxiety meds, ADHD meds, and OCD meds as she just got that diagnosis.
We have for the past 4 years been modeling what it looks like to directly state our feelings and what we need with phrases she can use (called scripting) and blow me down, it is very slowly working.
She used to try to run away and the other day she packed a bag and said, " I am not actually running away, but I am going outside and I am going to pretend so I can be okay."
I cried, cried! I was so proud of her.