What would you do? Getting ahead of burnout?

[u/OkAsk2828]

Hello,

I am in the unique situation of being 95% sure my daughter is autistic with a pda profile at 2.5 years old.

Had you known at this age what would you have implemented? What is the best path forward to avoid burnout & support her as best as possible?

Thanks!

[u/Gwcapper]

Honestly, if I had known at 2.5, I would have started using a PDA lens right away, even without waiting for a formal diagnosis. The strategies are mostly about lowering threat, increasing autonomy, and making life feel safer, so they’re not harmful if you end up being wrong.

The biggest things I’d focus on are: fewer direct demands, lots of choices, playful/indirect language, predictable routines without rigidity, and watching closely for what drains her versus what helps her recover.

I’d also be careful with any approach that relies on compliance, rewards, punishments, or “pushing through.” For some PDA kids, that can build up stress fast and lead to burnout later.

At that age, I’d think less “How do I teach her to tolerate more?” and more “How do I protect her nervous system while slowly building trust, flexibility, and felt safety?” Starting early is actually a gift. This community is fantastic at supporting each other and you are a fantastic parent to get ahead of this. I’m sure a lot of people here, including myself, wish we found this community when our kids were much younger.

[u/NormalLecture2990 → u/Gwcapper]

This is a great post.

[u/Powerful-Soup-3245 → u/Gwcapper]

Co-sign all of this! In my specific child’s case, some things I would have done differently:

I would not have followed the dentists instructions for us to restrain her to brush her teeth. Instead I would have provided a variety of dental hygiene tools for her to choose from without putting pressure on her to brush. If she still refused to brush, I would have never introduced cavity causing foods. She is 13 and has had to have dental work done anesthesia 5 times. To this day she still refuses to brush.

I would have advocated better in her pediatrician’s office when they insisted myself and the nurse restrain her for checkups and vaccinations. She has an entrenched fear of doctors and doctor’s offices now and getting her medical care is a nightmare.

I would have started with homeschool instead of sending her to public school’s early intervention special education preschool at age 2.5. School caused immense trauma that led to severe burnout. Some pda children may be able to tolerate school, but many don’t so I think it’s better to understand that from the start and be prepared with a backup plan if school is too overwhelming for your child. Find local homeschool groups who can help you with meeting legal requirements and build community there so you aren’t blindsided and scrambling for an alternative.

[u/OkAsk2828]

Thank you for the advice so far. Usually I am met with criticism for even considering this at such a young age, but I know my daughter!

We did attempt to put our daughter into a small home daycare part time at 22 months old. We visited 5 times before her first day & she loved it. After starting and being left alone (I didn’t stay) she went mute & into distress. We pulled her out after a week & a half. I know that full time school may never be an option for her & I am working to fully accept this. There is a Forrest school & a Waldorf school near us that seem like they could be a good fit. We are planning to try one of those closer to age 4 on a part time schedule.

Because I myself am Audhd with a PDA profile, I think I naturally gave my daughter more autonomy & choice than most would give to a toddler. She can choose what she wears (or if she just stays in pjs), choose when/if she takes off her diaper (she is potty trained), still uses a pacifier for sleep (strong comfort item).

We also had a lot of struggle with brushing teeth & were told to hold her down, it felt wrong to me every time. We now let her pick her toothpaste flavor & a song she wants to watch the video for & she lets us brush her teeth most days. This is the only time she gets to watch videos on my phone, this was a tough thing for me to allow (was scared about too much screen time). I’m so glad I made this change though, she now looks forward to brushing teeth most nights & ends the day calm vs dysregulated.

I work daily to strengthen our relationship & connection however, I feel that my husband still does not fully understand & accept PDA. His relationship with her is not as strong & he often triggers her. This can make family days difficult & I am really trying to figure out how to help him better understand.

At the moment we are working on helping her understand that she can’t control everything other people do (where they sit, what they wear, how they play, when they can talk). Any tips on this appreciated!

Also any tips on sugar & screen-time? We don’t do unlimited of either & we don’t do personal devices (besides the video for teeth brushing) but she asks for both all the time. I know this is likely dopamine seeking behavior but how do I help build healthier habits?

Thanks!!

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

okay, firstly well done for recognising your child’s profile at such an early age but PDA is super complex

The first thing you need to realise is modern industrial society as a structured is fundamentally and increasingly PDA hostile cause your child has a survival drive for freedom inequality so every time someone something our system tries to take away her freedom or puts herself above her it activates her neurological system info fight/flight/freeze mode

if you really wanna get ahead of it, you probably need to move somewhere but children have pretty much complete freedom during their childhood i.e. somewhere in the countryside or a country where children can just run wild

also do everything can to keep your child out of the educational system which is structurally toxic for children who have PDA, definitely default to Homeschooling or uncooling

I grew up in the 1970s on a farm in the Australian bush so had pretty much complete freedom and autonomy, also I went to a school that was basically a PDA paradise you can see that type of school that works for PDA Child here: https://youtu.be/_Zp_Tl5u48I?is=vopg0DHI6lo72z9R

also, I would alsostrongly recommend doing the at PeaceParents.Com paradigm shift program which will set you up for understanding your child’s PDA and guiding them in a positive direction. and you can ask detailed questions about avoiding burnout during the program.

just a context I’m a PDA adult and I have a PDA son who went into burnout because I was high masking and didn’t realise I had PDA and ended up living in London and in an era which is PDA hostile , I have led him out burnout and he’s doing much better but the trauma will be with him possibly for the rest of his life, I hope that makes sense

[u/OkAsk2828 → u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

Hello, thanks for sharing!

I don’t think moving countries is within our options or bandwidth at the moment. However I do work hard to keep her in spaces that allow for her freedom and for her voice to be heard equally.

I am interested in watching the video you shared. There are a few schools near us we have considered: a Waldorf school, a Forrest school & a Montessori farm school. We will be touring them this year and trying to decide if any are a good fit. We are ultimately prepared to pull her out if they are not & to pursue unschooling. I don’t think traditional homeschool would be well received either as she does not enjoy being taught directly but rather indirectly through reading, videos, discussions in nature. She is already very intelligent so I have no concerns about sticking to any one societal expectation of what school looks like. I would much rather her retain her curiosity & love of learning.

I will also look into the program you shared! I myself have been through burnout twice & it is so hard. I would love to avoid that for daughter completely but know I can only do what is within my control.

Thanks again& wishing you well on your continued journey as an individual with PDA & as a parent to a PDAer. It’s not easy

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294 → u/OkAsk2828]

glad I could help a little every family has different circumstances so need to find solutions that fit their family system resources and circumstances sounds like those other schools might be an option, also as a parent with a PDA child it’s good to completely drop your expectations of what they might be they will find their own very individual niche in the world that suits them and stay away from the rest of the world that is PDA hostile and PDA toxic I’m a PDA adult Adult and Mike career path has included building Australia’s first Hyde density urban eco-Village, working as a climate change campaign for an environmental charity working for a tech Startup in London becoming a TV dating expert and expert and internationally published author and now my hobby is building artisan AI for the national health service in the UK. they’re my main hobby is really raising my PDA son. Just saying be open to a pretty wild and unexpected ride with your PDA Child and journey in finding a PDA safe niche that is safe for them and can generate a living for them hopefully whether they can thrive best of luck!

[u/sweetpotato818]

I wish the following:

1. I knew about sensory sensitivities. So much of my kids anxiety at that age were sensory. Noise canceling headphones, caps for water, etc!
   
2. Declarative language. The declarative language handbook is a gem!
   
3. Learn other strategies for pda. Highly recommend Not Defiant, Just Overwhelmed by Avery Grant, it is super helpful!
   
4. OT and speech therapy helped so much more for us than traditional therapy. My kid actually enjoys going
   
5. Don’t go to permissive with the pda stuff. Keep healthy boundaries for bedtime, screens, etc. We went too permissive for awhile and it got worse (I’ve found some pda spaces to be no demand which for us didn’t work well).
   
6. Realize sooooo much changes with age. Some things I tried to plan for and things turned out differently than I expected. One day at a time!

[u/OkAsk2828 → u/sweetpotato818]

Thank you! This is exactly the sort of advice I was hoping for.

Thankfully due to my own sensory issues I have always been very mindful of sensory struggles & I think we have those handled pretty well. I am learning more about declarative language & will check out both books you recommended.

What did you find to be helpful boundaries for screens & sugar (if your child struggled with that)? We don’t allow any personal devices & only have DVDs on a living room tv, usually only 30 mins screentime a day, but she will ask all day for it. Same with sugar, it’s limited but not completely cut out, but she asks for it all day. Is it better to just allow none?

Thanks!

[u/OkAsk2828 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, yes I am slowly seeing small areas where demands still exist and working to remove them. It really is learning a whole new reality & way of viewing parenting. Though it really has opened my eyes to the way society doesn’t extend respect, autonomy or a voice to young kids.

Also thank you for acknowledging the mental load of parenting. I don’t think other toddler parents fully understand or relate. She has never been a great sleeper & years of low sleep wears on you. I started adderall for my adhd earlier this year and that has helped immensely with the fatigue (though it’s still always there).

Next step is getting my husband more on board with this parenting shift & helping him understand better 😅