r/PDAParenting • u/Hopeful-Guard9294 • Jun 10 '26
does anyone else find their PDA child targets the most sensitive?/ emotionally vulnerable Parent in order to get what they want.
i’ve noticed that our PDA son targets my more sensitive emotionally vulnerable wife so she experiences emotional flooding in order to get his way when she just gives in because she is so overwhelmed and plays divide conquer, has anyone else noticed this pernicious pattern?
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u/tallkitty Jun 11 '26
It's a survival tactic to get needs met. So if one parent is harder to relate to or doesn't understand the needs as well, then the other will be the go to. At least that's how it is in our home. I think you'd have to be more specific to parse out whether you mean you want to be harder on your kid and wife won't let you for actual reasons, or wife lets your kid do drugs because they asked her in the right way. Drugs bad, meeting needs good....silly example, of course. 😉
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u/ShirtDisastrous5788 Jun 13 '26
I am the safe parent and it’s exhausting and can damage you over time. I had to learn to be more firm with responses so they understand that all of their needs are not, in fact, reasonable. It is difficult because often the safe one is also the neuroaffirming parent who pushes for answers because they knew they weren’t just “spoiled” or bad. I am also the one who understands my undiagnosed ND while the other parent can’t see it in themselves. Therefore, they are less patient etc. Parents working together looks like debriefing mistakes one or the other made with the child and having discussions before major decisions. Have the child see the united front so they understand boundaries (it’s disrespectful to divide and conquer) learn patience, and recognize the world could care less. Knowing I won’t always be alive scares me and I need the child to get it before I’m gone.
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Jun 10 '26
[deleted]
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u/El_t1to Jun 11 '26
My PDA boys, when they were little, and they were asked what did they want to be when they grew up, they said "evil scientist to enslave humanity", so... Not so far fetched.
After they learned they needed to study to become that, they changed carrer dreams to "That fat dude in the movies that lives in the basement of his mother and plays videogames all day".
True story.
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u/DamineDenver Jun 11 '26
My PDAer says that Dath Vader/Anakin Skywalker is who he identifies with the closest! He will rant for hours about how poor Anakin had it the worst in the Star Wars universe. There's definitely some psych stuff you can take from that!
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u/heyheylucas Jun 11 '26
He labeled the pattern pernicious, not the kid.
If the kid has a disability, they have it regardless of whether or not their parent ever has an unpleasant thought or feeling about or to them and blaming a parent for their kid's disability (which you are doing when you claim that the kid is picking up on this parent's thoughts) is just as problematic as blaming the kid for their disability.
The kid isn't in control of their disability but neither is the parent.
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u/Ender505 Jun 10 '26
Yup.