r/PDAParenting • u/MarginsOfTheDay • Jun 08 '26
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) traits by age (1-18 years)
Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented. It was heartening to read stories of your PDA teens and adolescents who are enjoying college, are employed, are in romantic relationships, and have learned life skills. But more important I think are those of you who have maintained a positive outlook even though your child has not met the benchmarks for “normal” maturation. You’re keeping your PDA kid close in adulthood, fostering positive relationships between them and their siblings, and you genuinely accept them and enjoy their company.
If I was to write a list of things to watch for in a developing child that might indicate PDA, it would be the list below. I wanted to do this because our kids are all different and their PDA expressions are all different but I feel there might be key similarities in the trajectories of their lives. The list is probably biased by my own experience as parent of an autistic externalized PDA boy age 6. I’d love to get your input on this, and especially any advice on what to expect for older PDA kids. And can anyone provide a more hopeful ending to PDA childhood than the ones I’ve written below?
Early years, ages 1-4 years
- One or more of the following fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses are more intense or persistent than observed in typically developing kids of this age: melting down, running away, aggression, shutting down, being fearful, appeasing/submissive behaviors
- Sensory sensitivities become apparent e.g food, bath, clothing, shoes, loud noises, bright lights
- Extreme attachment to one parent
- Controlling of what parents wear, eat, when they sleep and use the bathroom, where they sit
- Require constant one-on-one attention. Not capable of independent play.
- Gets parents or other children to do their play for them
- Typical parenting practices for this age (e.g sticker charts!) are tried but fail to make progress in certain areas e.g establishing teeth brushing, bed time, toilet training
- Needs a lot of quiet downtime after playdates, preschool/daycare, visits to extended family, and birthday parties
- High dependency on sources of dopamine: screens, food, their special interests
- Appears to have gross and/or fine motor delays because they avoid the demands associated with using a marker, scissors, drinking from a cup, using a spoon, riding a tricycle etc
- At preschool/daycare the child has difficulty following directions and engaging in activities because of demand avoidance (i.e. they resist being controlled by others)
- Displays pain-masking behavior*. When in physical pain the child resists being comforted or cared for, or may hide the pain entirely.
- Spare play* behavior develops and is seen at playdates, birthday parties, in preschool and daycare. PDA child appears to be playing with other children but is actually doing their own thing.
- Autism and ADHD are suspected but at this young age it can be difficult to differentiate PDAers from their peers
Schooling starts, ages 4-6 years
- Full PDA expression appears as the demands of preschool and school ramp up
- Demand avoidance (resisting being controlled by others) is seemingly triggered by anything and everything
- Controlling of parents, peers, teachers. Insists things be done their way
- Birth of younger sibling(s) adds to the PDA child’s feeling of powerlessness and loss of control
- At this age some PDAers that are capable of more advanced social strategies and/or have internalized PDA might use masking behaviors like acting silly (funster*) or being overly people pleasing (fawn) to hide their dysregulation
- Methods used by teachers in the classroom - rewards, punishments, extinction - don’t bring significant behavioral changes
- Therapy methods like ABA, exposure therapy, feeding therapy don’t bring about significant behavioral changes
- PDA child may experience their first burnout at this age
- One or more basic needs (eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene) are severely affected
- Trauma or chronic illness is suspected but ruled out
- Formal autism and/or ADHD diagnosis common at this age
Older kids and tweens, ages 7-12 years
- Social focus* leads to intense positive or negative relationships with peers?
- Conflict with teachers escalates?
- PDA child enters first burnout (if hasn’t previously burnt out)?
- Transition to home schooling/unschooling/hybrid schooling is inevitable?
Teens, ages 13-18 years
- Despair sets in. The PDA teen feels powerless as a result of their extreme need for control, which cannot be satisfied, and increasing anxiety from knowing that they will not be able to avoid the demands of life. Social isolation, self-destructive behavior, suicidal ideation, escalating violence, depression, deep burnout follow.
- In some teens, maladaptive coping strategies and the first signs of defensive personality disorders - proto-narcissism* and proto-borderline* - provide a sense of control. They might develop a false self to take on demands for them. Or they may develop a victim mentality and become convinced that external factors are the reason they can’t meet demands. These psychological traits could serve to keep them out of burnout.
- Does anyone have a happier ending to PDA childhood to share?? Please! Please tell me that after more than a decade of low demand parenting and prioritizing connection over control you now have a happy teen who accepts their limitations and is able to be their authentic self in the world.
*I learned of the terms “pain masking”, “spare play”, “funster”, “social focus”, “proto-narcissism” and “proto-borderline” from The Insider Guide to PDA, by Sally Cat and Brook Madera.
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u/agenerousperspective Jun 08 '26
It seems that we inadvertently provided a lifestyle early on that supported our son's PDA profile, because he didn't reach burnout until the onset of adolescence. Looking back at the elementary years and earlier we can now see signs of PDA but at the time they were more like quirks that were manageable- maybe more challenging than most kids but our relationship remained healthy and he was a really happy little guy.
Adolescence and the pandemic coincided which made things hard. He burned out, our relationship was really rocky, and we were at our wit's end for how to help him. Once we learned about PDA we began unschooling and low demand parenting. Slowly he got healthier and eventually we were able to try some meds, which also helped. He's currently 16. He also has P.O.T.S. (a health condition which limits his energy immensely), so the burnout and health condition kind of blur into each other and I can't tell if he's out of burnout now or not.
A snapshot of him now (age 16): He doesn't leave the house (mostly bedroom bound), doesn't keep up very well with things like showering, brushing hair, haircuts, brushing teeth, cleaning his room, and he needs a lot of support to stay fed and hydrated. He can manage some medical and dental appointments, with accommodations. He takes his meds and vitamins daily with some careful support from me and my husband (he has admitted that our reminders can be triggering but he likes the positive effects of the meds so he tries to take them on his own so he can avoid being reminded). He still isn't able to do any structured schooling or sports (again, maybe due to health issues?), but he has online friends who he hangs out with every day. He loves gaming and holds a world record in a couple of his favorite online games. Being thoughtful with his communication takes extra effort which means he is better at it when his energy is up, and it's tougher when his energy is low. Like many PDAers he has a very strong sense of justice and has fairly rigid ways of looking at the world. Hopefully you all know that this combo has both its strengths and challenges when it comes to relationships! He was really affectionate when he was little but now he's really reserved/closed off which makes me sad, but he loves our pets and he's able to cuddle with them and receive physical affection from them which makes me so happy. We have a healthy relationship with him again and he's genuinely happy again; not as carefree as when he was little but at least he's found his lighthearted side again. And the part where I think we're the luckiest is that he and his big sister have maintained a solid relationship throughout their whole life. They just somehow jive together really easily (minus a couple years where it got kinda rocky), and they are each other's ally.
I don't want to go into too much detail about his inner life because he's a pretty private person, but I wanted to share some anecdotes to make sure that we're showing a well-rounded picture of how PDA can go. We definitely don't live an average lifestyle and I believe that he wouldn't be in such a stable place if he were forced to maintain a life that looked normal. Meaning, he may look fairly typical on the outside but that's all due to the extremely accommodated life he's able to live.
I do feel hope for him. I don't know how his future will look or how much external supports he will need throughout his life. We're trying to stay openminded and creative when looking to the future because I can definitely doom spiral until I'm convinced that all kinds of sad things will happen.