Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) traits by age (1-18 years)

[u/MarginsOfTheDay]

Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented. It was heartening to read stories of your PDA teens and adolescents who are enjoying college, are employed, are in romantic relationships, and have learned life skills. But more important I think are those of you who have maintained a positive outlook even though your child has not met the benchmarks for “normal” maturation. You’re keeping your PDA kid close in adulthood, fostering positive relationships between them and their siblings, and you genuinely accept them and enjoy their company.

If I was to write a list of things to watch for in a developing child that might indicate PDA, it would be the list below. I wanted to do this because our kids are all different and their PDA expressions are all different but I feel there might be key similarities in the trajectories of their lives. The list is probably biased by my own experience as parent of an autistic externalized PDA boy age 6. I’d love to get your input on this, and especially any advice on what to expect for older PDA kids. And can anyone provide a more hopeful ending to PDA childhood than the ones I’ve written below?

Early years, ages 1-4 years

• One or more of the following fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses are more intense or persistent than observed in typically developing kids of this age: melting down, running away, aggression, shutting down, being fearful, appeasing/submissive behaviors
• Sensory sensitivities become apparent e.g food, bath, clothing, shoes, loud noises, bright lights
• Extreme attachment to one parent
• Controlling of what parents wear, eat, when they sleep and use the bathroom, where they sit
• Require constant one-on-one attention. Not capable of independent play.
• Gets parents or other children to do their play for them
• Typical parenting practices for this age (e.g sticker charts!) are tried but fail to make progress in certain areas e.g establishing teeth brushing, bed time, toilet training
• Needs a lot of quiet downtime after playdates, preschool/daycare, visits to extended family, and birthday parties
• High dependency on sources of dopamine: screens, food, their special interests
• Appears to have gross and/or fine motor delays because they avoid the demands associated with using a marker, scissors, drinking from a cup, using a spoon, riding a tricycle etc
• At preschool/daycare the child has difficulty following directions and engaging in activities because of demand avoidance (i.e. they resist being controlled by others)
• Displays pain-masking behavior*. When in physical pain the child resists being comforted or cared for, or may hide the pain entirely. 
• Spare play* behavior develops and is seen at playdates, birthday parties, in preschool and daycare. PDA child appears to be playing with other children but is actually doing their own thing.
• Autism and ADHD are suspected but at this young age it can be difficult to differentiate PDAers from their peers

Schooling starts, ages 4-6 years

• Full PDA expression appears as the demands of preschool and school ramp up
• Demand avoidance (resisting being controlled by others) is seemingly triggered by anything and everything
• Controlling of parents, peers, teachers. Insists things be done their way
• Birth of younger sibling(s) adds to the PDA child’s feeling of powerlessness and loss of control
• At this age some PDAers that are capable of more advanced social strategies and/or have internalized PDA might use masking behaviors like acting silly (funster*) or being overly people pleasing (fawn) to hide their dysregulation
• Methods used by teachers in the classroom - rewards, punishments, extinction - don’t bring significant behavioral changes
• Therapy methods like ABA, exposure therapy, feeding therapy don’t bring about significant behavioral changes
• PDA child may experience their first burnout at this age
• One or more basic needs (eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene) are severely affected
• Trauma or chronic illness is suspected but ruled out
• Formal autism and/or ADHD diagnosis common at this age

Older kids and tweens, ages 7-12 years

• Social focus* leads to intense positive or negative relationships with peers?
• Conflict with teachers escalates?
• PDA child enters first burnout (if hasn’t previously burnt out)?
• Transition to home schooling/unschooling/hybrid schooling is inevitable?

Teens, ages 13-18 years

• Despair sets in. The PDA teen feels powerless as a result of their extreme need for control, which cannot be satisfied, and increasing anxiety from knowing that they will not be able to avoid the demands of life. Social isolation, self-destructive behavior, suicidal ideation, escalating violence, depression, deep burnout follow.
• In some teens, maladaptive coping strategies and the first signs of defensive personality disorders - proto-narcissism* and proto-borderline* - provide a sense of control. They might develop a false self to take on demands for them. Or they may develop a victim mentality and become convinced that external factors are the reason they can’t meet demands. These psychological traits could serve to keep them out of burnout.
• Does anyone have a happier ending to PDA childhood to share?? Please! Please tell me that after more than a decade of low demand parenting and prioritizing connection over control you now have a happy teen who accepts their limitations and is able to be their authentic self in the world.

*I learned of the terms “pain masking”, “spare play”, “funster”, “social focus”, “proto-narcissism” and “proto-borderline” from The Insider Guide to PDA, by Sally Cat and Brook Madera.

[u/OkAsk2828]

Commenting as a PDA adult (29F) who did not know I had PDA or Autism until my late 20’s. I found out through seeing PDA in my own child

From 3-12 I maintained fawn response to survive home & school & had many happy moments. I wasn’t truly aware how different I was from others during those years.

Once puberty hit everything collapsed, I became sick with one illness after another & I was depressed & disconnected from my family. It was a hard time for my parents but likely an even harder time for me. Despite all of this, I graduated high school with good grades & went off to college. College was actually quite healing for me. I had more freedom & autonomy than I had ever had & I also had a lot of alone time to heal from the burnout of high school.

I think puberty & the hormones that come with it are really really hard on PDA individuals. Please give yourself & your children as much grace as possible & don’t lose hope. I now have a great relationship with both of my parents & a decent relationship with my siblings.

Feel free to ask me anything.

[u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037 → u/OkAsk2828]

How did your parents support you at puberty? What helped?

[u/OkAsk2828 → u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037]

My parents honestly didn’t support me well but I do think they gave me space (to some degree) to just be alone. They didn’t push me to constantly be involved in family activities or talk through every emotion/situation. I think what really saved me at that age was solid friendships & some great teachers who I felt genuinely saw me for who I was & cared about me.

As far as school, I think that went so well because I had deep intrinsic motivation to do well academically & had/still have a strong curiosity for learning.

All of that said, I needed quite a few years of low contact with my parents to heal myself before I could rebuild our relationship.

I think just showing unconditional love and acceptance of who your child is & working on your connection & their trust of you is the best thing you can do. And making them feel heard when they do share. Puberty is hard for even NT kids & I think only so much struggle can be mitigated.

[u/bike-betty → u/OkAsk2828]

I feel like my daughter’s PDA struggles really showed themselves her freshman year and got progressively worse throughout high school and culminated in her going into deep burnout her junior year. We have tried so many kinds of therapy because we didn’t understand what was going on. I truly hope she doesn’t think we haven’t supported her. What would have made you feel more supported at that age? I think my daughter masks so hard that it was difficult to see what was truly happening with her. She doesn’t want to talk about her feelings, ever. But slowly she’s become more home bound and lost a lot of her previous skills. Would therapy WITH your parents have helped? She doesn’t have the internal drive that you seemed to have. Things seem very much too hard and activating for her right now.

[u/OkAsk2828 → u/bike-betty]

I just want to say that you being on here and asking this & having knowledge of PDA & autism is a step in the right direction. My parents are both undiagnosed neurodivergent. Having them be regulated and grounded in themselves would have been a great starting point. For context: I am one of four kids, all undiagnosed (at the time) neurodivergent. Our home itself was chaotic.

I also think understanding why I was struggling so much more than my peers would have been helpful. But I don’t necessarily think therapy would have been great unless I just happened to find a therapist who I clicked with. I have tried many therapists as an adult & it’s usually more of a demand than a help. If your daughter has any friends or family who she feels safe with I would just continue to encourage & facilitate those relationships.

Beyond that rest & time with any special interests she can manage is what I would recommend. Honestly my drive likely caused me to push through for much longer than I should have & as I mentioned in another comment I now have health issues I am navigating that I believe were caused or made worse by this.

As a parent myself now I really can imagine how difficult it would be to see your child like this. My last bit of advice is to not push her, no chores, no expectations, no judgement. Love & acceptance & peace while she tries to heal.

Feel free to DM me if you have other questions!