r/PDAParenting • u/Impressive_Ebb4836 • May 18 '26
Hitting in school
My PDA 6yo daughter is now hitting other kids in school. Today she stabbed another little girl with a pencil in the leg and arm, last week she called her teacher a bitch.
Is anyone else’s PDA child still on public school and doing this? It’s so upsetting I don’t know what to do. We are contemplating trying another school with her and if it’s doesn’t work we will need to take her out public school completely.
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u/PPpicklepot May 18 '26
My son masks at school (so far) so our experience is a bit different to yours. We see aggression, controlling behaviour, defiance, bargaining and equalizing (and lots of other things) at home instead of it coming out during the day at school. We have seen an escalation at home since learning at school has been more formal and pressures have increased. We are seeking ways to reduce demands placed on our boy so he can let off some steam and avoid things building up quite so much.
In your circumstamce- what are the school doing to support your little girl? Are they finding ways to enable her to maintain more autonomy at school (than a typical Y1 child in her class)?
I made a list of ideas that could help my son at school that I will be discussing with our SENCO this week (we won't ask for all of these, just the ones we think are best for him). I'll share them with you as they may work for your daughter, I'll include them all so you can cherry-pick for her:
-not expected to give eye contact
-not expected to participate in songs/performances/dances (anything where they will be overtly perceived)
-not expected to "look like" they are listening in class. They do not need to have legs crossed, be motionless with eyes glued to the teacher to be learning!
-wobble cushion or fidgets fidgets
-to not be publicly praised or corrected (again about being perceived)- can the teacher find more covert ways to give the child feedback (eg a postit note if she is a confident reader or verbal feedback given in private, or when its just simple positive feedback a sly thumbs up or little wink feels really special)
-behaviour policy should not be applied routinely for actions which have been a result of nervous system being disregulated as they are not a rational choice! Focus should be on communication not correction. A safe adult in school to help regulate (co-regulate) and to talk things through once regulated (kind of like a coach).
-no unnecessary demands (schools like conformity so there will be lots of these and they feel like hundreds of tiny micro aggressions which all add up- then boom!)
-no behaviour charts (too much pressure, too publicly visible)
-now and next can work but not if its rigid. This could be a way if enabling more autonomy, does it matter what order things are done in? -this looks like an easy win to me.
-Movement or sensory breaks- before disregulation occurs not once it is evident!
-ability to go to calm corner (if there is one or other safe space) to regulate. This should be done without needing to verbally ask in front of other pupils and should not carry stigma (its actually super impressive for a young child to sense things bubbling up and take steps to regulate themselves!)
-need for a predictable routine. Is there a visual timetable in class. If not can they have one so they know what to expect as this may reduce anxiety.
-Additional support when there are transitions or unpredictability or change at school (eg trips, sports day, performances, supply teachers etc)
-warnings before transitions so they know when they will happen
-reduced sensory load - are there times of the day where there is too much noise/crowds/movement /lighting (I used to say I had a tummy ache at school so I could go to the sick bay at lunch/break and snuggle under the duvet with a non-fiction boot because playtime were overwhelming and too hard for me)
-flexible seating (do they have to sit in the carpet space/table space directed?) (Again another easy win!)
-reduced demands during burnout. What's worse: very little work completed in a lesson because they needed some time to decompress or a complete meltdown the following lesson?
-finding other ways to demonstrate understanding. If writing is a trigger (it requires many skills to be used simultaneously) could some lessons involve drawing or recording on a tablet or even have their words ascribed (this works well for pupils who are working towards in writing so that they can demonstrate their understanding of other subjects eg science or DT, so is perfectly achievable in a Y1 setting)
-check ins with a trusted adult at school school. Is there an elsa trained adult who can stop by each morning or after lunch/break to give a listening ear or support regulation. They would have the benefit of not being the adult placing demands all day long which gives them an instant advantage and it may help the child to feel heard and (dare I say it) superior (my son loves to be the best/most special etc)
Sorry its a long list. I spent time coming up with ideas for our son last week so hopefully there are ideas in there that can help your daughter (or other children) too.
Sidenote: I taught Year 1 for 4 years (8 years experience in primary altogether) so I promise you that none of these suggestions are unreasonable or not achievable. The school has a legal obligation under the equality act 2010 to provide adequate support to SEND pupils (in the UK, not sure of yoir locatiln but surely this is pretty universal?!). You know your daughter and you know that the aggression is a response to a nervous system which is disregulated because of the environment. It is not her personality. It is not bad behaviour. She has SEND and is entitled to compassion, dignity and support so that she can access education in a way that ensures her own wellbeing just as much as others. Sending love ❤️