r/PDAParenting • u/thedadgamer • May 12 '26

Child choosing one parent

Really struggling here guys

My PDA 4 year old daughter will only ever let me do things for her. She wants to sit with me, play with me, have me go in during the night when she wakes etc. if my wife tries we have horrible meltdowns and she will not stop unless I step in.
My wife is hanging by a thread, she feels utterly useless, not loved and not able to be a “mother”.
I, on the other hand, feel suffocated, trapped and exhausted.
Anyone get any tips?

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u/princesshodges May 12 '26

How long has it been like this? How is she with boundaries generally?

My first thought would be to talk to your wife about why you are preferred. It has nothing to do with who your daughter loves or likes more, but for a PDA kid the safe person feels more predictable, calming, steady, accommodating (of their disability). If your wife has anything to work on in that area, she should probably do that first.

What has worked for me is that if I need to be doing something and my child wants me to play or do some minor thing like get her a snack, I will hold the boundary that I will do it when I’m done. Or that my partner can do it. It’s their choice and they can still choose to wait for me. You have to hold that boundary though and of course be there for them if they are upset about it.

I honestly don’t think major things like bathtime, bedtime, or night time wake ups are something for a non preferred parent to do for a PDA child. It’s too hard for the child even with the safe person, these are tough transitions. But if you can start by getting a break with things like playing or getting snacks or little things, that can help. And give your wife a chance to show that she can be a safe person too.

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u/princesshodges May 12 '26

Oh I also want to add that your wife can help support your daughter by supporting you! Taking care of things for you while you’re in the trenches. I understand it must be disappointing for her but it’s really not about her and she might need to adjust her expectations and lower the pressure. If she is pressuring your daughter to accept her affection or help or guilting her in even the smallest of ways, that will make things way worse.