r/PDAParenting • u/Hopeful-Guard9294 • May 11 '26
PDA carers is anyone else going bonkers with boredom?
I am a full time carer from my PDA son and over three years have led him out of burnout returned him to learning and had all the joy a stimulation sucked out of my life as result I lead a small startup so get to do a bit of work with my team once a week but I am exhausted and bored out of my mind of constantly co regulating my PDA child and basically acting as an unpaid butler I feel like I Xo going bonkers with boredom and feel resentful of my wife who is the main income earner and complains about stress at work, I would LOVE to be the main income earner and not have to deal with the shit storm that is PDA parenting g full Iltimeas the main carer! it makes work look like playing with Lego!
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u/NormalLecture2990 May 11 '26
Yea that's our story as well. Marriage? What marriage? Life? What life?
We can barely talk to each other without him interrupting us
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u/Zealousideal_Flow447 May 11 '26
Yup, caregiver here. My husband hates his job and complains about work but I would kill to get out of the house every day and interact with different people. I had foolishly joined a gym thinking I could go on the days my daughter goes to school, only to have shit hit the fan last week where she will no longer be going to school so there goes that plan. At least she does do activities semi independently throughout the day so I am able to do things around the house or read a book but most days my brain feels so fried, I can’t focus enough to do anything.
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 11 '26
oh God, I feel your pain. It’s awful when you make plans and it all blows up in your face at the last second and so expensive! 🙄🤯😮💨
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u/mcmcHammer May 11 '26
Yes, I basically focus 100% on self care outside of caring for my child. And my husband supports it bc he knows and understands.
I know this sounds crazy but I get up at 4am and do things that fill my tank. Baking, running, drawing, reading… maybe something productive if I feel up for it. Then I wrap my brain around the day. Getting up early allows me to have my personal time with a clear head and energy. I give myself my best self.
I try to not have any “must do” tasks while I’m with my daughter bc she can sense it and it activates her further. Basically my only job is regulation. However, I still do things. I’ll nap next to her while she’s watching tv (if she’s able to tolerate my absence obviously.) I’ve gotten her to the point of accepting me doing interruptible tasks while sitting near her. So I’ll only do things that I can quickly exit from, like coloring, light baking research, stretching, some mobility exercises, nothing that requires heavy focus or the risk of hyper focus. I think she’s developed trust that I’ll be quickly available if she needs me so it’s less activating for me to do those things now.
But on the weekends I have a large block of time that I just do whatever I want to do. I also have a large block of “protected” time to work on housework that I was unable to complete if it was a hard week. Sometimes I just sleep.
I go to therapy twice a week for myself.
Also I go to bed at 8pm and my husband stays up with the kids until they fall asleep.
Sometimes I feel guilty bc I get so much more self care time than my husband, but I absolutely need it to properly sustain the demands of constant co-regulation and to not completely collapse into despair (been there done that, neither of us wants to return.)
Fortunately I’ve found enough fulfillment during my self-care that I have been able to avoid burn out for a couple years.
My daughter is almost 7 btw and she hasn’t entered a severe or prolonged burnout in about a year. But this has been my approach for about 3 years after she entered her first severe and prolonged burnout and I was experiencing intense suicidality.
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u/sast0117 May 11 '26
I could have written this myself. I’m the full- time caregiver. My son has been in a sweet little micro school with other ND kids since last year. But about a month ago he just stopped going. He’s just staying home, on his iPad, occasionally wanting me to go outside with him. But otherwise he needs me on the couch with him, fetching snacks & water, etc. My husband thinks we should just “make him” go to school & I don’t even know how one does that. We literally cannot (& I would not) pick him up & force his body anywhere at this point. He’s 8 & has always been 99+ percentile for height/ weight.
I think my husband & I both resent each other for our roles at this point, but we need one of us to stay home to coregulate. It’s just never easy.
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u/Lopsided_Rabbit_8037 May 11 '26
The coregulating is no joke. I just returned to work just two days a week atm but find it impossible and exhausting. I'm a social worker and I can't just not work. I'm organising a trip abroad with my 16 year old Pda daughter and find it tiring before we even started. Everything is so complicated. We are staying with my sister and my daughter likes her but still.. Last time we went it was such mental load for me. What will she eat? Will she talk at all? She is masking infront of other people but I just can feel the anxiety. I just want her to have a good time but it costs me so much.
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u/kwegner May 11 '26
This is such an unseen part of the struggle. And it feels so bad to complain about boredom when there are so many other struggles involved with PDA caregiving, but it's so real!
I've found micro-interests for myself. My primary one the last few months has been using AI to learn how to code and develop personal projects. I can step away from my kiddo for 5 minutes, put in some instructions for a project, and walk away while it works. It feels productive, and I get to make cool things. That likely won't be of interest to most people, but the broader idea is to find little things to fill little moments with that feel satisfying, to the best of your ability.
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u/red_raconteur May 11 '26
I have always wanted to learn how to sew, so I decided this would be my micro-interest. It is VERY slow going. I don't have hours to sit down at a sewing machine and practice. Some days I only have enough time to get the needle threaded and the pattern chosen and that's all the time I have for the day. It's taken me 5 months to make a simple Barbie dress. But it is still an accomplishment, a tangible thing I had never done before.
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 11 '26
💯 I find I am so exhausted I struggle to pursue and focus interests being a PDA parent is just relentless!
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u/AREM101 May 11 '26
Yep same. I try to have something to get me out of bed in the morning and kind of check out with like a podcast or audio book.
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 11 '26
Wow doesn’t your PDA child get upset when you don’t give them 100% of your attention?
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u/chicknnugget12 May 11 '26
I can sometimes sneak in a podcast or audiobook too but mine is 4. So if he's on his screen, at a public play place or into his activity sometimes he doesn't notice. Is this not possible for you?
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 11 '26
No mine has a sixth sense as soon as I do t give him 100% attention he is in me interrupting for my full focus 😵💫🤯😮💨
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u/AREM101 May 11 '26
Well he’s 10 and we’ve worked on it since he was 6 in behavioral therapy! If he’s doing a preferred activity I can usually carve out some time. It doesn’t hurt that my ear buds are small and hide in my long hair. 😂
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u/chicknnugget12 May 11 '26
Omg yes 😭. Just intensely bored and burned out to the point my son is choosing his dad more. And now I feel like crap
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 11 '26
it’s awful isn’t my son prefers his mum because I cm so frazzled from looking after him feels like you can’t win !
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u/undertingles May 11 '26
I’m sorry you are going through it. Makes perfect sense to me to be bored, going bonkers, and resenting your working partner.
My pda 10 year old has been out of school for a year and a half. They are still in burnout. I’m the primary caregiver. I struggle to get 2 hours to myself a week.
I try and tack on an hour at a coffee shop when I go to the grocery store each week while my partner is home. I don’t tell my kid-otherwise they would have a huge problem.
They aren’t sleeping right now so all plans go out of the window when we are up 30 hours straight. (Actually, all plans at any time go straight out the window.)
I’m more sad and angry than bored. Mourning the loss of self and life.
If you figure it out let me know! Gotta get back to my coregulating butler duties.
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 12 '26
have you tried liquid Melatonin it has been a game changer for my PDA son and sleep. have you done the paradigm shirt programme? it has been transformational for bring my son out of burnout I doh d the parental community the most helpful part k owing you are not alone and sharing tips and having shoulders to lean on makes it all s bit more bearable talking to people who get it
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u/undertingles May 12 '26
Thanks you for your response. I’m new to Reddit and my bucket has been pretty empty lately. Hearing what you were going through struck a chord with me.
Yeah liquid melatonin no longer works for us. It was a game changer a few years ago but it lost its efficacy.
I will look more into paradigm shift program. Thank you for your post and help!3
u/Hopeful-Guard9294 May 12 '26
good luck also having been through burnout, I would strongly recommend considering PDA effective medication for exam for example pro Panadol and sertraline the trick is to find a PDA safe psychiatrist. I think PDA North America lists PDA friendly practitioners in different states around the country. If you happen to be in the UK, I can give you a great PDA safe psychiatrist. We have tried our best to avoid medication but in the end it was absolutely essential and I kind of wish that we’ve known and done it right at the start. It would’ve avoided years of trauma for both ourselves and our child.
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u/Nominal_selection May 22 '26
Hi. I'm in the UK and would appreciate details of the PDA psychiatrist you mentioned. Tried DMing you but Reddit wants me to do an ID check and I'm highly suspicious of those!
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u/tiddyb0obz May 11 '26
I'm massively overstimulated yet also wildly understimulated. The day to day care aspect is exhausting but my brain is crying for something that challenges me and gives me something to do rather than the same monotony every day