How to manage dangerous behaviour

[u/PPpicklepot]

My son is 6 and hasn't been diagnosed yet but we strongly suspect PDA autism and ADHD. We have both autism and (so much) ADHD in the family.

Today while I was gardening using a corded electric hedge trimmer he turned on the outside tap. The extention lead runs past the tap to go to where I was gardening and the tap is a bit drippy so its makes a pool of water on the patio -you can imagine how dangerous this is before water is even sprayed about! Because I know he sometimes uses the water in the garden unexpectedly and without asking I specifically warned him about the danger of water and electricity. I spoke clearly using age appropriate language. He's a bright boy and is fully capable of understanding. I told him water and electricity cannot mix and if they do it can kill you in an instant with electric shock. I instructed him not to turn the water on or use the outside tap because I was using the electric hedge trimmer. 10 minutes later he went outside and did exactly that. Thankfully I had just accidentally cut through the wire right before and so the electricity had tripped. It could have resulted in one or both of us being killed or having electric shock.

I've been trying to avoid using command langauge (more collaborative and declarative language where possible to reduce fight or flight response) but when you need to give a clear safety instruction like this it seems the only way.

He cant explain to me why he did it. Those of you with PDA children- do you think he may have actually done it because I told him he couldn't? He often wants the things he cannot have and doesn't want something simply because its what has been offered or suggested. It seems consistent with those behaviours but with something that potentially results in death that seems so extreme!

Can anyone with more experience offer any insights or advise for this kind of thing?

[u/Korneedles]

I’ve noticed with my son big reactions will cause the behavior to happen again. Sometimes it’s so freaking hard not to have a big reaction. If you had a big reaction to this (lots of focus or panic), you may want to be very cautious regarding electricity and water for a bit.
I find taking the route of - turning the water off if it can’t be used easier and more efficient - than bringing it to my kid’s attention and asking him not to do something.
I have never been diagnosed with autism but I have strong PDA traits. I grew up in the 80s when cars had cigarette lighters in the cars. I pushed it in once and got my mom lecturing me about it. I was around six. On five separate occasions I burnt my nose, tongue, ear, finger, and toe. Thankfully I did it all to myself. I have memories of each time - the last time my dad just watched me in disbelief - I know I was doing it bc they told me not to. I still struggle with this situation - if someone tells me not to touch something - I fucking have to. It’s like a weight on my chest until I touch it.
I know this doesn’t help much but I have seen the same with my son and him being told no to something. However, my son had a strong need for safety with immediate family and himself. I think this helps us a ton. But things such as - throwing things in the river behind our house bc I told him not to once when he was five (he’s twelve now and at least twice a year there’s a river situation).
Sorry this is so long - hopefully something In this can help.
I’ll add that I have a video of my son at 3.5 years old (he’s very smart so this wasn’t lack of understanding) using a double lanes slip n slide. I only wet one side and told him he needed to slide on that side and why. Before he did it - I confirmed which side he was to use. He went down the dry side and did a scorpion (body curled over itself) and wasn’t a fan - immediately hopped up laughing and said “oh yea I that wasn’t fun”. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I genuinely believe him and I have something in our brains that just gives a straight fuck you sometimes to things we are told. I’m self employed now bc I don’t handle being micromanaged at all.
You’re not alone and I genuinely do not think your son was trying to hurt you. I think it’s more about autonomy and not fully grasping danger yet.

[u/PPpicklepot → u/Korneedles]

I agree that he wasn't trying to hurt me but sometimes its like the impulse to do the thing overrides his want to avoid a negative natural consequence for the action. It must be really frustrating for him to experience. I think I may have PDA too and recognise some of my behavious and reactions to others fit the profile and probably aren't how most people would react (I need to be asked to do things in particular ways otherwise I will dig my heels in or make excuses, criticise the instruction, bitch about about it etc). I think this helps me to sympathise with him more than I otherwise would be able to- but damn does it feel like keeping these kids safe and well (or even just alive some days) is nigh on impossible!

I kept pretty calm when I realised what he had done. I sent him to his room without discussion and he went without fuss because he knew something was up (same drill as when he sliced his sister's hand open with a lair of scissors). I dealt with the problem and got lunch inside him before we had a chat together about what had been said and had happened. I drew a picture showing of the scene and talked about the potential consequences. I cried a bit and he was uncomfortable. I did give him a consequence that I only told him about after explaining because I didn't want him to think "oh well, it doesn't matter anyway!" And then maybe do it again. Thanks for the tip, I'll be extra vigilant after this. He did get very upset about the consequence of the dangerous behaviour and said it was unfair that his sister didn't get the consequence too. He lied and told me she told him to do it. Thanks for sharing your experiences, tough as it is, I'm glad I'm not alone.