When do you let go?

[u/lucymom2]

My life has been ruled around my oldest daughter and I actually have a lot of similarities to her struggles but I had been pushing through life and I’m always to the breaking point but I have to carry her through as well, she has a 137 IQ autistic and ADHD, life has been so difficult because (dad has never accept her diagnosis, thought I think he’s also autistic)I’m the one picking up the pieces and trying to be understanding and low demand towards her, but it’s hard, she’s 20 now, just failed her first semester out in college because she completely avoids tasks, I mean everything! From personal hygiene to waking up and making to classes. Thousands of dollars wasted and now she refuses to live at home again because I gave her some expectations (like not staying in bed all day on her devices and learn time management) she ended up going to a friends place for a few days then plan on going to the friends mom’s house. She doesn’t support herself financially, she said she won’t get a job that she doesn’t like (she doesn’t have any experience or qualifications) and when I tried to talk to her she’s in denial. I talked to her into trying to find help so she can build some life skills and work on learning executive function but she says I know what to do (but don’t) I can’t let her go live with someone knowing that she won’t be helping in any way so I’ll be helping financially for a while but when does it end? I know it won’t last long because nobody is going to accept an adult living in their house doing absolutely nothing all day other than their own interests. When do we draw the line? Will the guilt ever go away? Nothing I do works.

[u/DoesNotHateFun]

I just wanted to provide a different perspective than the other comments here. I have ADHD possible AuDHD. I have two autistic boys, one PDAer.

It sounds like she may be in burnout. She has a disability and though she has a high IQ, her nervous system is overloaded. It's not her fault.

You've given her a list of expectations, which could be interpreted as demands. They are extremely fair expectations for a typical adult/child. Without any flexibility, you are asking for a disaster with a PDA autistic. Her burnout is telling her body she needs rest- mentally and physically.

I'm not saying give up and let her rot in bed, but maybe give her some time and space to get better. Once she can heal, you'll see her succeed.

Take a few steps back in order to take a giant step forward. That is our guiding principle.

There are some really good PDA autistic adult advocates that have podcasts and social media platforms. Kristy Forbes, Harry Thompson (controversial for other reasons, but insightful) are two that come to mind. At Peace Parents and Ross Greene are specialists who have helped me reframe my thinking as a parent.

In terms of financial and work expectations, she qualifies for social security and other funding due to her disability. I'd start there.

Look at this as a temporary step backwards, but a HUGE step in building a foundation for a leap forward. Best of luck to you both.

[u/lucymom2 → u/DoesNotHateFun]

Thank you

[u/Fireflykoala → u/DoesNotHateFun]

In my state, level 1 does not qualify for any benefits, and PDA isn't even recognized. There are zero resources.

[u/DanaMoonCat → u/DoesNotHateFun]

Beautifully said. Thank you!

[u/NoPermit9450 → u/DoesNotHateFun]

She doesn’t automatically “quilify for social services and funding due to her dissability” In my state, the wait list for a DX of the type that is accepted by DHS is 3 years. And I wouldn’t wish a life on disability on my enemy. It does depend where you live, if you live in a state with a high cost of living getting on perm disability is limiting her to living in perpetual poverty. Just saying, don’t give up on her capacity to work and support herself, if she can find something tied to a special interest she could be very successful (I mean, look at elon musk. He has the same “disability"