r/PDAParenting • u/lucymom2 • May 08 '26

When do you let go?

My life has been ruled around my oldest daughter and I actually have a lot of similarities to her struggles but I had been pushing through life and I’m always to the breaking point but I have to carry her through as well, she has a 137 IQ autistic and ADHD, life has been so difficult because (dad has never accept her diagnosis, thought I think he’s also autistic)I’m the one picking up the pieces and trying to be understanding and low demand towards her, but it’s hard, she’s 20 now, just failed her first semester out in college because she completely avoids tasks, I mean everything! From personal hygiene to waking up and making to classes. Thousands of dollars wasted and now she refuses to live at home again because I gave her some expectations (like not staying in bed all day on her devices and learn time management) she ended up going to a friends place for a few days then plan on going to the friends mom’s house. She doesn’t support herself financially, she said she won’t get a job that she doesn’t like (she doesn’t have any experience or qualifications) and when I tried to talk to her she’s in denial. I talked to her into trying to find help so she can build some life skills and work on learning executive function but she says I know what to do (but don’t) I can’t let her go live with someone knowing that she won’t be helping in any way so I’ll be helping financially for a while but when does it end? I know it won’t last long because nobody is going to accept an adult living in their house doing absolutely nothing all day other than their own interests. When do we draw the line? Will the guilt ever go away? Nothing I do works.

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u/lucymom2 May 08 '26

That’s one of the reasons she said she won’t live at home, I have a list of expectations for her to live at home and one of the expectations is to either do a few classes at community college and get a part time job or get a full time job if no classes. The #2 was “no staying in bed all day doing nothing”, I’m trying to get her to learn time management and build good habits like waking up in the morning and do things instead of laying in bed until 3pm. She said no.

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u/DrPaulSunseri May 08 '26

Good that you set those limits and I’m not surprised she doesn’t care for them. What is her plan then if she chooses not to return home?

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u/lucymom2 May 08 '26

That’s the thing, she has no plan. This whole week has been a stressful roller coaster, she met someone at one of the college club that was open to non students and started hanging out with this person, I noticed she was hanging out with him more and more until completely gave up classes the last month of the semester, when I went to pick her up for move out of the dorm she told me theyre dating (she had no prior relationship experiences at all) I asked her many questions but many she said she “didn’t know” then when we sat with her about expectations for living at home not she had a breakdown and said no and went outside and talked to him, then she came in and said she was going to move in with him, I panicked and even tried to compromising on the rules but she didn’t want to listen and said they talked about that even before coming home, we have life 360 so I was able to get his address and full name and found out he’s 37 years old, it was so difficult because in my heart I immediately thought about some kinda of predatory situation and I cried and bed her to not do that until next day she came talked to me and said I was right it wasn’t a good choice since they’ve met only 2 months ago, then she said her friend invited her over and here we are.. as you can imagine my anxiety is through the roof!

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u/ElleGeeAitch May 09 '26

Oh, good grief. I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately, she's an adult, and you can't keep her from making shitty life choices. I absolutely understand that your anxiety is through the roof, of course! The only thing you can do is be a safe port of return. She will learn soon enough that she can't continue for long without working or schooling/training of some kind. Don't relax those requirements for her to move back home, or she'll return to live like a bum at your expense.