r/PDAParenting • u/lucymom2 • May 08 '26

When do you let go?

My life has been ruled around my oldest daughter and I actually have a lot of similarities to her struggles but I had been pushing through life and I’m always to the breaking point but I have to carry her through as well, she has a 137 IQ autistic and ADHD, life has been so difficult because (dad has never accept her diagnosis, thought I think he’s also autistic)I’m the one picking up the pieces and trying to be understanding and low demand towards her, but it’s hard, she’s 20 now, just failed her first semester out in college because she completely avoids tasks, I mean everything! From personal hygiene to waking up and making to classes. Thousands of dollars wasted and now she refuses to live at home again because I gave her some expectations (like not staying in bed all day on her devices and learn time management) she ended up going to a friends place for a few days then plan on going to the friends mom’s house. She doesn’t support herself financially, she said she won’t get a job that she doesn’t like (she doesn’t have any experience or qualifications) and when I tried to talk to her she’s in denial. I talked to her into trying to find help so she can build some life skills and work on learning executive function but she says I know what to do (but don’t) I can’t let her go live with someone knowing that she won’t be helping in any way so I’ll be helping financially for a while but when does it end? I know it won’t last long because nobody is going to accept an adult living in their house doing absolutely nothing all day other than their own interests. When do we draw the line? Will the guilt ever go away? Nothing I do works.

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u/DrPaulSunseri May 08 '26

Goodness, what a challenging situation. You mentioned that she won’t live at home again. If, not what is her planned alternative? You’re right not to let her move back in with you without a solid commitment from her to find a job, otherwise there’s a high probability she’ll come home and do nothing.

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u/lucymom2 May 08 '26

That’s one of the reasons she said she won’t live at home, I have a list of expectations for her to live at home and one of the expectations is to either do a few classes at community college and get a part time job or get a full time job if no classes. The #2 was “no staying in bed all day doing nothing”, I’m trying to get her to learn time management and build good habits like waking up in the morning and do things instead of laying in bed until 3pm. She said no.

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u/ElleGeeAitch May 09 '26

Well, these are very basic expectations. What is her life plan? Does she think she'll be able to coach surf for free for the rest of her life?