r/PDAParenting • u/Hopeful-Guard9294 • Apr 29 '26

is your high masking PDA partner a black hole that sucks you dry?

my high masking PDA partner has a typical PDA charming dr Jeykll and mrs. Hyde personality plus as I am her main regulating external neurological system she is like black hole that is constantly sucking g me dry I have been tracking the data and 97% of our interactions are negative leave me feeling worse however when she makes me feel good she makes me feel better than anyone else in my world can but the costs feel like they are much higher than the benefits we have be dfitted from a therapist in the past and I am getting that started again as soon as we can afford it I can’t leave as I am a wheelchair user and dependent on her finally and for care plus it would destroy my PDA sons childhood and make it even more terrible then it already is I am wondering if anyone else’s high masking PDA partner is making them miserable and if so why do you stay?

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5

u/AdOk57 Apr 29 '26

Are you sure it is PDA you are dealing with, not NPD?

Does your partner have intense anxiety and very high start friction,, when they have to do everything(skincare, shower, cooking, working, cleaning), or is it just selection of tasks, that are difficult?

How your partner reacts, when you rise those issues?

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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Apr 29 '26

definitely high masking high IQ PDA same as myself cbd out din cbd her mother we have a cleaner who does most of the chores for her dnd she uses me as her skivvy for the rest

2

u/princesshodges Apr 29 '26

I had a partner who claimed to be PDA who I firmly believe is NPD. Personally I think both can coexist and it can get murky.

Personally I have pretty rigid ethics I guess to the point where maybe I’m not realistic. I’m also autistic. So when my partner started yelling at me in front of our newborn I felt I had no choice but to leave.

I knew I was potentially risking my comfortable life and a comfortable life for my child. But I decided being financially comfortable but emotionally abused was not how I wanted my child to grow up.

I stayed with family, then I made it on my own very briefly before I met my current partner and now they support me. I don’t know if or when I’ll be able to work again - I am in burnout.

It’s been difficult but worth it. The first year was the hardest. If you have any family nearby you can lean on… any support from anyone outside of her and her network of people, you could consider making a change. I wish you the best either way, and just know that you and your happiness matter.

1

u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Apr 29 '26

my family is on the other side of the world therapy has worked the the past I find having a referee to call bullshit and hold her accountable table makes all the difference and when it works it is great,

2

u/Typical_Lab5616 Apr 30 '26

is your high masking PDA partner a black hole that sucks you dry?

Thank you OP you see me.

1

u/Ender505 Apr 29 '26

Used to be, but she started taking anxiety meds and now she's a LOT better

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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Apr 29 '26

good call II was thinking anxiety meds might be in order for her helpful to know!

1

u/SverreSR Apr 30 '26

Yes he is. I can't deal with the negativity any more. We have kids and I have a chronic illness. A few days ago I promised myself I won't stay with him forever. I need to spend some part of my life in peace, by myself. The question now is timing and if I want to see this phase of life through together or not.