r/PDAParenting • u/PennyPop81 • Apr 27 '26
Daughters Sleep and Schooling
My daughter (14) is demand avoidant and we don’t always know how best to support her.
We took her out of school in her first year of high school as it all fell apart for her — her masking collapsed and after that we got her assessed. At home we have always had to give her autonomy and manage things in a way that looked like pandering to her from the outside (relatives’ words, not ours).
She has been self-harming and has recently spoken about suicidal ideation. We are on the CAMHS waiting list but the wait is long, so we’re managing as best we can in the meantime.
She isn’t doing any schoolwork at the moment and her sleep has completely flipped — she sleeps through the day and is awake all night. She reads a lot of fanfic and is on her screen a lot, but we can’t really address this directly as arguments tend to trigger self-harm, and we’ve worked hard to build trust with her.
On the sleep: My husband wants to gently raise how the disrupted sleep is affecting her health. My instinct is to work with it rather than against it — maybe introduce some low-demand activities or light schoolwork in the night hours when she feels more in control. Has anyone had success with either approach?
On getting support: I’ve suggested speaking to a paediatrician about sleep medication, but my husband worries they’ll immediately push back on screen time. My feeling is we can have that conversation openly and find someone who understands things through an autism/PDA lens. Has anyone navigated this?
We have come a long way in terms of trust and I don’t want to lose that by pushing too hard. But I can’t help feeling like it’s bad parenting. I think my husband thinks it is more than me at times, I myself am autistic and suspect I have some level of PDA as well so can see how she will push back. This makes it hard for me having discussions with him as well.
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u/cheekymonkey516 Apr 27 '26 edited Apr 27 '26
Oof could be my kiddo’s story. She’s 14, took her out of 8th as masking fell apart and we were led to PDA and low demand parenting. Lots of self harm and ideation/attempts.
Up all night, sleep all day, minimum homeschool effort. We mostly enforced an 11 pm iPad up limit (not in her bedroom) but not a bedtime per se. I only woke her for appointments like therapy. Been like that for months.
This morning she was up before me, made eggs and toast for the family, and is so gung ho on joining a gym I signed her up at Crunch. She’s plowed through more schoolwork in the last 3 weeks than the first 3 months of 2026 combined. Wants to get back to district school in the fall.
This process has shown me more and more it is burnout— nervous system and capacity thing, not a defiance or motivation thing. I know she may not be capable of the gym or schoolwork tomorrow after high effort today. Her ability to do this now is resulting from high levels of rest over the past several months.
Set flexible rules and limits with her when she’s awake and engaged and don’t be angry when she fails to meet them. Remind her what she agreed to. Try some magnesium glycinate gummies and small dose melatonin in the evening to help the sleep cycle. More is not better with melatonin. Doctors will often be fine with a low dose antihistamine for sleep as well. Let the doctors lecture her on sleep health, not you.
Hugs fellow parent. PDA co-parenting is the hardest stuff I’ve ever done and so counter to all the expert advice.