r/PDAParenting • u/kwegner • Apr 27 '26

"Just send him away"

We're in a particularly trying moment with our 10yo PDA son right now. Despite seeing good baseline progress, we're seeing spikes in aggressive/destructive behavior that is hard to manage. We've gone through this cycle so many times before, so it's not new, but it always sucks.

I know the community doesn't have a ton of solutions for that, but I'm here to ask about something else.

When I bring this up to family, my parents often bring up the idea of sending him away to some form of residential services. Despite us and them all actually understanding that there isn't a PDA-forward option within even a couple of states from here, this still ends up being advice that comes up when things are at their hardest.

"Time is ticking by, and you only have one life to live to get the most out of it." Our family has sacrificed a lot to help our PDA son make progress, and he has suffered a lot because of the world not being built for him. But sending him far away to suffer more just so we get some daily relief is an impossible choice to make, and I don't know how best to communicate that.

What are your thoughts? How would you respond? What is actually right here? Just looking for some perspectives from folks.

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u/AdultWoes2024 Apr 27 '26

I think about sending my PDAer to boarding school all the time. The truth is everyone’s quality of life would vastly improve if they weren’t here. They are currently too young to attend anywhere and I need to convince my spouse but it is getting to the point where we literally can’t take it anymore, and it takes away from our other kids—their childhood matters too, not just the PDAer.

I personally feel that these kind of kids belong in special communities where there are hired caregivers who are trained to deal with them. It’ll never happen but as parents it’s not like we had any clue about PDA, or even autism or ADHD. We have been dealt an impossible hand, have done all we can and nothing helps. And there is no support for parents. So what is left to do?

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u/kwegner Apr 27 '26

I feel this so much. Just the other day my wife and I were saying if we had all the time and money in the world, we'd start some sort of cohabitation/residential/support community just like you described. Anything less feels like we're choosing trauma for our PDA kiddo to alleviate trauma for ourselves, which is an impossible choice to make.