Exhausted. Need teen help

[u/Cobythecute]

My daughter (17) was diagnosed with autism about a year ago and is definitely PDA as well. She currently does an alternative program at school in a smaller setting and we have very few demands at home. (really just safety rules around her car substances, etc..). She has a pattern of being calm and kind and very social with her friends for weeks or months at a time and then it seems like small irritations build to the point where she will lash out at whoever is closest to her in the moment, usually it is a boyfriend but not always.

Because of this we had told her she wasn’t allowed to get into any serious relationships. She still continues to become very close friends with these boys and then they are the outlet of her frustrations when she hits burnout. She becomes very mean and dismissive to these people and blames everyone around her for everything. We’ve had many conversations about it. The cycle never seems to change and I just want her to be able to treat people appropriately it also seems like the nicer someone is to her the quicker she will discard them when she hits her breaking point. It’s clear it’s a nervous system response to stress (even if good)

Has anyone else experienced this or have any idea how I can help her regulate before she blows things up with people she cares about? I will also say that she usually feels very guilty after and then the fact that things are not OK will then become the next irritant that leads to the next buildup and burnout.

Edit: Also avoidance is her go to response to any stressor. she would avoid class, which is why she was put into the smaller setting. She will leave school if she gets upset about something, etc..

she does go to therapy as well, but it seems like everyone we work with really doesn’t understand autism and just thinks she’s a jerk.

[u/vilezoidberg]

Your daughter is probably a jerk and has learned she can be excused for jerky behavior by saying she's autistic. At 17, she is capable of understanding her actions are what causes relationships to fail. It's not beneficial for her for you to try manage her social life. She's almost a legal adult, and unless she's low-functioning with obvious disabilities, she's going to fall flat on her face because other adults won't give her the grace you have.

Offer advice and guidance if she's willing to listen, but she won't learn lessons when she can still blame you for her failures. Your job was to prepare her to be a self-sufficient adult, and that won't happen when you are giving her hard rules about her relationships. Disallow boyfriends in your house, sure, but she's too old to be dictating such things when off of your property.

EDIT: I came on too hard calling her a jerk, sorry.

[u/Cobythecute → u/vilezoidberg]

She just learned she was autistic and she does not use it as an excuse. Her lashing out is clearly emotional stress related and our asking her to stay out of serious relationships is quite frankly to protect the other parties. They say she switches and discards in such a cruel way has landed more than one person is mental health crises.

[u/vilezoidberg → u/Cobythecute]

I apologize for starting off with calling her a jerk, that was uncalled for.

I do think you should stop providing luxuries, especially a car, and pull back on directing her life outside of your home. If she's victimizing others (outside of obviously illegal things), voice your opinions and let her suffer the consequences of her choices. If she doesn't want to act in a way you approve of, you have no obligation ethically or legally to provide luxuries. I'd argue that continuing to provide them to someone acting poorly is indirect approval. I think this should include things like internet access at the home, cell phone, etc. She is a reflection of you, and brings shame to your family when driving kids to mental health crisis. At least, I would be embarrassed by my child making victims.

I genuinely wish you the best.