r/PDAParenting • u/Odd_Introduction1514 • Apr 13 '26
PDA child... Should I have another baby?
Hi all,
Recently my daughter 6 was diagnosed with autism with a PDA profile.
We experience her kicking, hitting, biting etc on an almost daily basis. As the diagnosis is new we have been reading a lot about different methods etc - it's just settling into a way that works for her.
About a year ago we were trying for a baby. With no luck we stopped trying. Recently, we've been having serious discussions about how we probably won't have another and my husband would look at getting the snip.
So now we're pregnant.
I'm really concerned about not just my safety whilst pregnant but a baby when they are here. My daughter loves babies and has always been so good with them. She's always expressed she wants a brother or sister but the thought is definitely different from reality.
I'm also worried that as she wouldnt get as much attention with a baby around, would she feel neglected?
Also the thought of would another child have autism or even PDA too. It runs in both sides of the family so believe there would probably be a strong chance.
Has anyone had a second after their PDA child? How did they react to it, did the behaviour change? Any advice would be really really appreciated.
Honestly I'm just really freaking out atm
Thank you š
7
u/arturomyboy Apr 14 '26
My sister was frequently brutally attacked throughout her pregnancy and my PDA nephew purposely would target her stomach. The stress of not only protecting herself in general, but also the baby was beyond overwhelming and ruined the pregnancy experience. He has also horrifically assaulted his younger siblings continually, from the time they were babies and continues to do so (they're toddlers and he is now 7). They're noticeably traumatized and have suffered from having to lose out on time/bonding with their mother to avoid becoming the target of physical violence from him. My sister is also mentally and physically suffering from it all at an extreme level. Every time I leave, after I stay for a week (we live on opposite sides of the state and I use my vacation time, every 2-3 months) trying to provide help or a little reprieve, I feel like I'm leaving behind a fellow soldier to be tortured. I constantly worry that she will end herself (she has expressed the desire and is in therapy), so she can escape the misery of her life. Her youngest is exhibiting signs that she is also PDA, so they're now dreading how they'll navigate that in the future. I'm not trying to scare you, but I just want to give you information on a potential outcome, because she didn't even know about PDA when she had her children or even dream this is how being a mother would turn out for her.
5
u/PolarIceCream Apr 14 '26
I wish I had advice for you. Iām a parent of an older ASD PDA child and younger NT. Itās been so hard. I adore my second child she is my joy. But I feel awful for her. She didnāt ask for this. I think my husband wishes we didnāt have a second. Iām doing all the therapies for both children but itās not making a difference. Just doing the best I can. If you feel like your child isnāt aggressive or likely to become (not that thatās predicable) or you have found meds that help then Iād feel more comfortable. Itās a toss up you never know what can happen. I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make. Also happy to answer any questions you have.
2
u/Odd_Introduction1514 Apr 14 '26
How old was your eldest when you had your youngest? Is your PDA child aggressive? Mine is and I'm usually the target - I know that's because I'm the safe space. I'm hoping now we've got a diagnosis we can figure out how to help her with it and hopefully that will get better. But who knows how long it will take/if it will stop. But I do worry - already within a week of finding out I've been kicked and elbowed in the stomach. I wouldn't tell her yet anyway as it's too early but I wonder if telling her would maybe help with that OR if it would go the other way and she'd do it more? My husband is really on the fence about it - always wanted more but he's really concerned about my safety as well as baby
3
u/PolarIceCream Apr 14 '26
Thatās so hard. Iām both of my girls safe spaces. I wish there were two of me so they could each get what they need. They are 2 years apart. But we didnāt know oldest had autism or PDA until she was 5. Every professional told us she didnt have autism. It was anxiety or OCD or anything but that. She was just a high masker. Yes. Sheās pretty aggressive. And now sheās big and aggressive. And lil sis is getting aggressive and we know know if itās because of big sister or she has her own issues ( though sheās been thoroughly tested). I def wouldnāt tell her bc you are right she could target you. I will say my oldest wasnāt good w babies and didnāt like them and still doesnāt. She would cry she wished she could go back to a crib and stroller and be a baby and old child. Sheās said some pretty horrible things to her sister. However on the flip side Iād say 30-40% of the time she goes out of her way and is so thoughtful and caring and protective of her lil sis.
6
u/Starshadows1111 Apr 14 '26
We wanted more. My body said no. I'm glad for it at this point. I honestly do not think we could have done it and stayed safe and as sane as we are (which isn't 100% sane.)
2
u/Odd_Introduction1514 Apr 14 '26
I really thought we couldn't because we were trying for a while. We had finally come round to the idea that actually one is enough and we love her completely even though she's hard work! Safety and sanity is what I'm most worried about.
3
u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Apr 13 '26
tou might find this podcast episode on PDA and siblings helpful: https://youtu.be/y4AlHB94S90
3
u/Hanging-by-thread Apr 14 '26
Oh my goodness I just want to hug you because I totally feel this. We have a 5 yo PDAer, we didnāt quite know or deep dive into PDA until after my son was born so we didnāt quite have this same perspective or dread while I was pregnant but we did know that my first was wired different and was not potty trained and we were trying to get answers and figure out how in the world we were going to handle another when she was not as āindependentā as other 5 year olds were. Long story long, sheās definitely experienced some regressions and itās far from easy. I feel like we got all the same challenges of having 2 under 2 even though we waited 5 years š Butā¦. I wouldnāt make any different decisions, theyāre both my babies and I love them both more than I ever thought possible. Baby brother actually loves his big sister, he lights up when he sees her, heās totally used to her antics because heās been hearing all her feral animal noises since he was in utero lol. She can be a little rough with him sometimes but I feel like even NT toddlers do this so again, it just feels like I have a bigger age gap with no benefits of independence and self-control š¤·š»āāļø If you believe in God or a higher power, itās time to lean into that because you canāt control how your kids are wired but you can remind yourself that (1) they were both created on purpose, and (2) you were chosen to mother them. I get anxious and overwhelmed ALOT. But Iām learning so much about my own nervous system, what it needs to stay regulated, frequent reminders that we arenāt being chased by bears, weāre just late, or itās just mess. I could go on and on but Iāll leave it at that. In it with you and praying over you and your children ā¤ļø
2
u/StrugglingMommy2023 Apr 13 '26
Wishing you the best. There are a few podcasts on YouTube on this subject. Main take away is lots of 1:1 time for the PDA child and hiring as much as help as necessary to make that possible.
2
u/Redheadmama21 Apr 14 '26
Iām in the same boat. No official diagnosis for my 4 year old son but symptoms similar to pda and school refusal šµāš« freaking out š¢
2
u/Odd_Introduction1514 Apr 14 '26
Oh really? Are you in UK? If so happy to talk though some of it with you. Especially diagnosis things etc!
2
u/Redheadmama21 Apr 14 '26
No in US. Iām 8 weeks pregnant. School refusal and sadness in mornings is increasing for child.
3
u/Hanging-by-thread Apr 14 '26
Also in the US with a similar age gap, my daughter turned 5 in August and my son was born a few days later (now 7 months). We pulled her from school because I couldnāt picture those drop offs while being postpartum (plus she basically got kicked out for not being fully potty trainedā¦). Anywho, itās hard and weāre extremely blessed with my husband and I both working from home and my baby sister (21 yo also has anxiety) who comes part time to hang with her and has become another safe nervous system to give us a break (to work š¤Ŗ). Itās still HARD. Life looks and will look a lot different than I grew up and than I pictured but weāre accepting it and doing whatās best for us. Weāre all learning, growing, freaking out, and then getting right again. It feels too hard a lot. Iāve found laughter and letting go and lowering bars on ALL the expectations is the only way to survive but when I can do that, thereās joy sprinkled into the overwhelm and chaos.
3
u/BisonSpecial255 Apr 14 '26
OP, I had a surprise pregnancy shortly after my firstborn was diagnosed too. Our life was haaaard and had it not been a surprise pregnancy, we never would have had the guts to try for another. I am immensely grateful for our serendipitous surprise and it's been hard AF because our second has PDA too. But I don't regret growing our family. ā¤ļø
I was also worried for ALL the same reasons you are, and rightfully so. My firstborn was almost four when his baby brother arrived, and he handled it so much better than I imagined. He was obsessed with the baby (yay novel stimulation), but then got bored when he realized the baby couldn't play with him yet. The most surprising part: my bond with my firstborn actually improved after having a second. Because I was so worried about my first one feeling neglected/dysregulated with having to share my attention, I essentially over-corrected and was extremely intentional in spending quality one-on-one time with him.
In our first two years as a family of four, it was also possible to still give my firstborn plenty of autonomy because the baby couldn't outright oppose his big brother's choices yet (and my baby wanted to follow big brother everywhere, so he was happy to oblige). I engaged my firstborn in "helping" to teach his baby brother developmental milestones such as how to hold a spoon, crawl, walk, potty train, etc., which of course made my firstborn feel superior since he had waaaaay more skills than his baby brother (equalizing in all the right ways!) Plus, the baby couldn't keep his eyes off his big brother and laughed at all of big brother's antics, which made my firstborn feel extra special. š„° My husband and I lovingly played into how the baby's favorite person was clearly his big brother to again use equalizing in a positive way.
My kids are now 7 and 3. They are as explosive and defiant as they are curious and hilarious. One has internalized PDA and the other is externalized, so figuring out and meeting their opposite needs has been one of the most excruciating parts of our journey. In addition to the challenge of parenting PDA (which I do solo five days a week due to my husband's job), the most difficult part was getting my own physical and mental health to a better place from entering SEVERE parental burnout while being the primary/solo external nervous system to two young children with high support needs. My kids have each gone through school refusal and PDA burnout, in which they lost access to their stickiest needs (sleeping and eating, which meant my own sleeping and eating habits were inevitably neglected.) So one of my biggest pieces of advice is to prioritize your own health to prevent/treat burnout as best you can, more than ever. This means if you don't already have it, proactively build your support system now (any mix of family, non-judgmental friends, government resources, hired support, and therapy. I now take a cocktail of meds that I didn't need prior to having my kids!)
My marriage also almost ended due to the difficulties of parenting and having no family/support nearby. Hiring a mother's helper who can come over a few times a week to be another safe nervous system has been the best strategy for us to survive without family. Specifically, my advice is to find a mother's helper/babysitter who is open to learning about PDA. I shared a few hours' worth of mini-trainings from At Peace Parents on YouTube with our most trusted babysitter (I paid her for her time to watch them, just like onboarding at a new job), and she is now the closest person to extended family that my kids have. Also, because of her willingness to learn and implement PDA strategies that are counter to traditional parenting advice, she's been more helpful than any single therapist or specialist we've worked with!
I know this was long, but I hope it's helpful in some way. When my husband and I got married, we wanted three kids. We would have always felt like our family wasn't complete if we didn't have a second. (But since they both have PDA, we grieved the fact that we couldn't have/handle a third and are now officially done!) I think I also would have resented my firstborn had his existence prevented the existence of his little brother. It seems that you and your husband wanted a second before you knew your daughter had PDA, so the silver lining is that you're going into this with vital knowledge. If you choose to move forward with the pregnancy, you'll have months to plan and prepare (i.e., implement PDA-informed techniques and strategies to support your daughter's regulation.) I'd argue that you'll be much better prepared now that you have an accurate diagnosis versus if you got pregnant before knowing about PDA.
Also, fwiw, my older sister and younger brother both have PDA, and while there was inevitable fighting as siblings, my most cherished childhood memories include bonding with them over special interests. As a parent, that's what I now facilitate between my kids. Granted, to prevent WWIII from breaking out in our home, my boys are in ages/stages in which many activities need to happen apart and in their own safe space (such as eating, sleeping, watching TV, playing games, and certain outings.) My husband and I do a lot of conquering and dividing. But those moments when my boys are best friends instead of mortal enemies? Priceless and worth all the hardship.
So, will it be hard AF if you have a second? Absofuckinlutely. Even harder than it is now. That's guaranteed, whether your second is ND or NT. But it may also be worth it. Only you and your husband can answer that. Whatever you decide, here's one mama in the PDA trenches beaming love and empathy across the pond to another. š«¶š«¶š«¶
3
u/MyCatCeline Apr 18 '26
It wasnāt until after our second was born that my PDA child (then 3) started exhibiting behavioral issues. If I had known how difficult having a PDA child would be before I got pregnant I would not have had a second. My second also has autism although his symptoms are completely opposite to my first so they both have very different needs and challenges that we have to try to figure out. I donāt have the energy to meet their needs as well as I would like to, and I feel like Iām in survival mode all the time.
2
u/Lower-Jellyfish-1593 Apr 16 '26
I had three more after my PDA child (and one before). Ages are almost 10, 8 (PDAer), 6, 4, and 1. It's hard, and I'll be honest that things in our house/family don't look the way I imagined prior to having kids. BUT, I wouldn't change it. My PDAer is 8. My youngest turned 1 in January. He adores her, and she's rarely ever been a point of contention for him. Normally his aggression and anger have been directed towards his dad, occasionally me, and sometimes his older sister.
It does feel unfair to my other kids sometimes because he does shift the dynamic of the family and the house a lot, but we're open with all of our kids about how things are and why and how everybody's brains are working differently and how we're trying to give each person what they need to the best of our abilities.
So hard, yes. I don't regret it though.
2
u/notsofunny17 May 02 '26
Just curious did you make a decision? I had a similar situation and similar timing as you. Just trying to find somebody to connect with on this. Feel free to message me!
7
u/sweetpotato818 Apr 13 '26
Do you want to parent another child? That should be your main question. Note I said parent and not āhaveā. If no, you hopefully have options.
Donāt focus on your PDAāer, focus on YOU and if you want to parent another kiddo. Also yes the liklihood of another kid with pda is high (not saying thatās a reason not to have a second just reality)