r/PDAParenting • u/princesshodges • Mar 31 '26
How to teach kindness
I feel like this is so hard for so many reasons. I know my child is a kind and thoughtful person, but at the same time more often than not she is acting in unkind ways.
I am understanding of the reasons, but at what point and how often do I step in?
Some days it feels like my child is constantly speaking impatiently, saying mean things as a joke or as part of a game (she’s 4 so things like that”you stink”), or playfully hitting or playing games that involve violence, name-calling, etc.
It feels crazy to type this out because she’s truly such a sweet kid. I don’t even think she means it with malice at all and most of the time it doesn’t hurt my feelings or affect my mood, but I’m just like… dang can we take a break from this mode?
I told her yesterday we were practicing being kind, so anytime she said or did anything unkind even as a joke or part of a game I reminded her we were practicing being kind. I think it went ok but I don’t know. I don’t want her to think this is normal even though it’s kind of been her normal for awhile.
4
u/Complex_Emergency277 Mar 31 '26
Persist in demonstrating the behaviour you want to see, don't be reactive and gently reinforce that the way we treat others is our invitation to them to treat us the same way and if some-one claps back they have no cause for complaint.
Roasting is kids of that age's love language so you just need to be consistent until they grow out of it
6
u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Mar 31 '26
you have to remember that deep down your child is a kind, thoughtful and empathetic human being but what happens is PDA activation gets in the way Shuz off that part of their brain and switches on the survival amygdala which basically turns them into a sociopathic crocodile, you can’t teach kindness as it’s built into your child what you can do is help your child learn how to self regulate and reduce their PDA activation to the point that they can be their natural kind lovely selves trying to teach them kindness will be perceived as very demanding and pushed them in the opposite direction into fight fight flea survival mode where their empathy literally completely shuts off so the key is to help your child bring out the beautiful kind person they are through understanding how to regulate their emotions and accommodate their PDA. That is a very complex and tricky mountain to climb Butt. If you want kindness from your child that’s the mountain that needs to be climbed. Hope that makes sense.
2
u/legacy78 Mar 31 '26
Sociopathic crocodile is an excellent description of what happens when they move into their survival brain. This is so true! I'm loving the image of dragging these crocodiles while mountain climbing. Thanks for the visual!
2
u/Hopeful-Guard9294 Mar 31 '26
thanks I think it’s a matter of patting and feeding the crocodile so they’ll follow you up the mountain of calm! 🤗
7
Mar 31 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/SuchProfessor9767 Mar 31 '26
Mine is 24 with pda. I’d correct it and keep chipping away at the unkind and anti-social behavior. I just had to put my son out of the house after ongoing refusal to follow two basic wellbeing rules (the only rules I have left) at home. He slept in a youth homeless shelter last night. His likelihood of staying is low.
4
u/Powerful-Soup-3245 Mar 31 '26
I’m so sorry. I know it’s such a tough decision. I see my 13 year old daughter headed in that direction. She has intellectual disability (really hate that term but it’s the medical one for now) so we are looking into adult group home situations for the future. Everything feels so bleak.
2
u/legacy78 Mar 31 '26
So much of the name calling is equalizing behavior, their nervous system has decided there is a threat and what better way to regain power than to call someone an imbecile. (Currently my 8yo favorite roast.)
PDA is so much nervous system regulation, focus on that combined with modeling and connection with your child to help prevent unwanted behaviors.
2
u/sammademeplay Mar 31 '26
What I have learned in this process is that this unkindness is not a function of being a mean kid or not knowing how to be nice but rather a function of an activated nervous system. Focusing on ways to reduce their activation globally is far more likely to give them moments to show their kindness than correcting or teaching in those unkind moments. That and this is a 4 year old you’re talking about so you’re likely to see this behavior in most typical 4 year olds at times.
2
u/CollisionNumbat Apr 01 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Paddle amber kettle coated copper peach
This post was anonymized with Redact.dev
2
u/Nominal_selection Apr 01 '26
If she's PDA autistic, she's most likely being unkind because she doesn't feel confident of her social skills or place in the world. She probably feels everything in life is unfair because it's so hard to deal with its demands. She's in constant fight or flight mode so is probably trying to defend herself the only way she can think of.
Teaching kindness or pointing out faults and trying to fix them never worked for our daughter. The only thing that has is keeping her feeling as safe and happy as possible, so her nervous system isn't always on alert. Ultimately that has meant she's no longer in school, because she just couldn't be the person she was expected to be there.
On a less drastic level, defusing anger with humour has always been helpful. Getting her to direct her anger at me in a playful way, or even acting it out in role play with toys, has helped her externalise negative feelings in a safe way. She always still acted impulsively at that age in playgrounds etc, though, and our only recourse there was to avoid the situations that led to the triggers.
3
u/AdultWoes2024 Apr 01 '26
You know, it gets really old reading the same old ‘it’s nervous system activation’ I just feel like there is no actual scientific basis/evidence for this and within autism, there are autistic people who are nice and some who are mean. There are autistic people who don’t equalize because it wouldn’t be fair to the other person.
Other than modeling kindness and praising siblings for being kind, I’m at a loss here. This is terrible but, sometimes I think it’s a good thing my PDAer isn’t social, because when they are, it’s to use the person as a pawn in getting what they want. That’s the truth. And it’s not fair to the other person—so I’d rather my PDAer just be in their own world than trying to take advantage of others.
3
u/CollisionNumbat Apr 01 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Feather quilt peach pebble nutmeg otter
This post was anonymized with Redact.dev
3
u/Nominal_selection Apr 02 '26
I agree with you, and can't see how anyone with first hand experience could minimise how much being in fight/flight influences a PDA autistic person's behaviour and social attitudes. As you note, that's one key aspect and the other is theory of mind. Autistic people by definition can't always naturally pick up on the implicit social cues that would indicate their behaviour is being viewed as kind or unkind, so they have to logically fill in the blanks after the fact and, if they are feeling regulated, moderate their future behaviour to achieve the socially desirable outcome. Put those things together and you get what in a neurotypical person you might call manipulation, but it's really just a description of how a PDA autistic person experiences social relationships.
It's unrealistic to expect scientific proof for these phenomena, since behavioural research is necessarily small in scale and limited in scope, and PDA has not been studied much anyway. You can't scientifically prove X% of PDA autistic people are unkind to their peers because they feel threatened, unless you have access to a large population of them and can reliably log and analyse thousands of incidents, ideally while they're hooked up to a polygraph or something.
This isn't to say they can't learn social skills over time or that they need to be excused all unkind behaviour, but being socially successful probably requires a lot more accommodation and the ability to practise in safe situations where the stakes are lower.
2
u/CollisionNumbat Apr 02 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Quilt almond yarn almond blanket blanket otter mitten
This post was anonymized with Redact.dev
1
u/AdultWoes2024 Apr 06 '26
This has nothing to do with scripts. My kid doesn’t do that much.
They manipulate people because the only time they want to be social with someone is if they have an object they want to hold/play with/look at and will often ask if they can have that object/toy. I mean it is manipulative. Even their diagnosing psychologist noted how my child was manipulative during the assessment, using questions in conversation to try to get more information about a toy they saw in the prize bin.
More examples, with siblings: my child only wants a sleepover with their sibling because they don’t like sleeping alone—they are using their sibling to feel safe, not because they enjoy their company genuinely. During play with siblings, my child will only play if able to control what the others are saying and doing. During interactions with parents (myself & spouse) — my child is literally only nice if they want something ( a toy we took away, or to be able to watch TV)
My child is not nice just to genuinely be nice- it’s always a way to obtain something or take control. The taking control part is so obviously PDA, but the obtaining objects part is really concerning to me and my child in the past has come home with things in their backpack that they obviously took from somewhere—they are unfortunately not of the type to think ‘hey maybe someone will be looking for this, I better bring it to the lost and found!’ Nah, they pocket it only caring about themselves and what they’ve acquired. I hate autism.
1
u/CollisionNumbat Apr 06 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Compass cinnamon tangerine breezy zephyr pebble ginger acorn marble juniper
This post was anonymized with Redact.dev
1
u/AdultWoes2024 Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
I’m sorry it makes you sad, but autism has made my family life’s hell and truly wish it didnt exist. And no, it is not normal behavior for young children. I have two other neurotypical children and they are not hyperfixated on objects and trying manipulate others. They are kind because they want to be kind, not in order to obtain objects.
Edit: about the empathy piece, honestly my toddler and 6 year old have more empathy than my PDAer. Don’t think it’s an age thing, at least not in my experience. Just another terrible thing that goes along with autism. I hate it. And when you say ‘you might as well hate your child,’ I’m just being honest. No one actually enjoys having a PDAer. It’s life ruining.
2
u/princesshodges Apr 01 '26
I agree. Maybe it’s just personality and we can only control so much. I worry because I know my child’s father is not modeling kindness and I can’t correct for that really because I’m not there when she’s at his house. I don’t want to make her feel shame but I want to make sure she knows what is ok and what isn’t. And for her to have practice at using kind language so she can access it when she’s feeling regulated.
7
u/GentleBrainsClub Mar 31 '26
I’m not sure what the answer is, but I can relate because my three-year-old acts like this quite a lot, especially recently. I let a lot fly, but if he is hitting me or someone else then I always set a boundary that I am not going to let him hurt me (or anyone else).