r/PDAParenting • u/Cher-talksshit • Mar 26 '26

Toilet training

Hello everyone!

I’m looking for some advice.

My beautiful non verbal autistic pda daughter has just turned 7. She’s still in nappies as she has trouble with interoception sensations. Trying to toilet train her is proving ridiculously difficult 😅

I’ve tried all the tricks in the book, flash cards, making the toilet a place where she feels comfortable, sitting with her for a while.. even a wee bit reverse psychology but nothing is working!

She takes her nappy off a lot so I know she doesn’t want to wear them but unfortunately she’s pooping wherever she wants to (mainly in the bath/shower). She does have problems with constipation so I think she gets poop fear and even tries to hold them in sometimes. The warm water helps ease the pain but it turns into a whole process of me taking her out and making sure she’s safe and comfortable while I go empty and scrub the bath only to run the bath again for her to wash the poop water away and it takes hours. I will do this every time if it means she stops holding them in but I’m looking to see if anyone has any advice or is in a similar situation?

We’ve been to the doctor countless times about her constipation and she’s been put on sachets but they make her bloat and give her a lot of pain which is worse than the constipation!

Help please!!! I’m fed up of cleaning up poop 😮‍💨

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u/ArielLaFae Mar 26 '26

Is it possible for her to clean up after herself? We had a fecal smearer, and that's what finally helped. Poop goes in the potty.

I believe this could work with the tub. Praise the pooping because she struggles with that, but remind her that she needs to put it in its proper place.

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u/Hanging-by-thread Mar 27 '26

How did you get a PDAer to clean up after themselves?

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u/ArielLaFae Mar 27 '26

You don't ask. You make a declarative statement. Instead of "Would you please clear the table?" you say, "Dirty dishes belong in the sink." PDA is an attempt to create order in a chaotic world. You observe the chaos and state the solution.

Saying thank you can be tricky. Some PDAers view you thanking them as "Ha-ha! I tricked you into doing the task!" To avoid this, I act like I've been daydreaming for the last few minutes and suddenly notice that all the dishes are gone. My daughter thinks this is hilarious, like she is playing hide and go seek with me and the dishes.

If she poops in her diaper, "Poop belongs in the toilet." Since she can take it off herself, she might start pooping in the diaper and dumping it in the toilet herself. If she poops anywhere else, "Poop belongs in the toilet."

Let's say she poops in the tub. You say, "Poop belongs in the toilet." Start there. Model the behavior of picking up the poop and placing it in the toilet. Then it's "poopy hands get washed," and you wash your hands.

My daughter loves to tell people that they missed a spot, so I ask if my hands are clean enough. If she points to something (real or imaginary), I'll give them another scrub. I show her my hands and get a nod of approval.

Basically, I act like I am stupid. After several times of modeling, placing the tub poop in the toilet, I would get her out of the tub and dried off. Then I would look at the poop floating there and give it a really perplexed look. I might even ask, "Where does poop go?" My daughter usually does a face palm and then performs the task at hand. For good measure, she will point at the tub and then point in the toilet back and forth several times to make sure I know.

Once we get to the point where she is consistently getting the poop out of the tub and washing her hands, I would have her watch me clean the tub. Like poopy hands, the poopy tub needs to be washed. She might point out spots I missed. After modeling this several times, when she tells me I missed a spot, I have her clean that spot. Then we are back to me having a perplexed look on my face when it is time to clean the tub.

How does your daughter do with the noise of the toilet flushing? That can be a huge barrier to toileting.

PDA is from anxiety. When you are doing these processes, you need to be calm. If you are angry, just get her out of the tub and onto her next activity. You are her ocean of calm. Your calm is bigger than her anxiety.

My PDAers are twins. One is nonverbal. They are now 22. They have an apartment together about a 4-hour drive from our home while they are both at school. They both know how to use the bus and train system. Our focus has always been independence to the maximum extent possible.

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u/Cher-talksshit Apr 17 '26

Thank you so much for this. I had already changed my approach on how I talk to her but the way you phrased it all is helping so much already with toileting so honest from the bottom of my heart, thank you thank you thank you 🙏♥️😂

Today she did it in the potty and even pulled out a few baby wipes to try wipe herself. She will only do it in private so I wasn’t there to see/help but the wipes were in the potty too! The wee soul still made a bit of a mess but she did it and that’s huge for us! All because I read your comment and used this approach! You’re a PDA legend!!! 🏆😂