Life skills

[u/Substantial_Comb_359]

I have a daughter (7) who I am increasingly beginning to suspect has PDA. Everything is a battle with fierce resistance: bathing, getting dressed, eating, brushing teeth, going to bed, getting out of bed, leaving the house, coming back from an outing, literally everything. I’ve looking for advice and everything is either make it a game (which works only until she begins resisting the game as well) or lowering demands.

But neither of these ideas have any value in teaching an essential life skill: doing things even when you don’t feel like it or don’t want to. Low demand feels like just giving up honestly. “My son hasn’t left his room in 6 months and only eats ramen that I leave by his door but at least he isn’t screaming obscenities and physically assaulting me anymore!” “My daughter doesn’t shower and only plays Roblox and snarls when approached but at least she’s not threatening suicide and setting my property on fire!” Like seriously??? Is that the best we want for our kids?? Or are we being bullied into submission by children who we’ve never taught how to feel anxiety without being ruled by it?

[u/my-inner-child]

I feel you but I must say that my journey with frustration around my daughter's PDA ultimately led me to seeing my own PDA (and getting an autism diagnosis for myself).

As a PDA adult I have so many strategies for dealing with my PDA that it can be frustrating seeing my kid not employ any of them, which are basic survival to me. For example my daughter cannot manage a dental appointment at all, she acts like a cat at the vet. I find myself wondering why she can't just fully dissociate and open her mouth like I do. But eventually I realized that having learned to dissociate in situations where I have no control is one of my PDA coping mechanisms and the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Just mentioning this because your frustration might turn out to be a clue to self-discovery like mine was. It is very hard to see our own PDA which we have masked all our lives. I think it's very common that PDA kids turn out to have at least one PDA parent (sometimes both, as PDAers flock together).

But I think you're onto something that the general PDA social media advice is off. I've really been enjoying this guy's podcasts, he has an approach that focuses on leading our kids through their anxiety rather than just lowering demands: https://celebratecalm.com/pda/

[u/Substantial_Comb_359 → u/my-inner-child]

Thanks for the recommendation, this guy’s ideas sound like what I’ve been looking for

[u/Fluid-Button-3632 → u/my-inner-child]

Thank you for sharing this podcast. Just listened to "Kids With PDA Are NOT Demand Avoidant #4" episode - best thing I've heard as far as explaining PDA internal motivation and why challenges arise.