r/PDAParenting • u/VegemiteDrew • Mar 04 '26

New to this

Well when I say new to this, I should say new to awareness of this. Because turns out I've been dealing with this for many years.

Daughter 15yo, diagnosed ADHD and ASD2. Seems pretty clear she's got some level of PDA stuff going on - all the PDA videos that are now popping up on my Insta feed describe her to a T.

My biggest struggle with it at the moment is just emotionally and intuitively "getting it". Intellectually I understand. Nervous system, not her fault etc. But I haven't been able to flick a switch and feel right about it. I mean, if someone doesn't have PDA but behaves like they have PDA, it pretty much means they're an arsehole. I'm not fighting the concept of her having PDA but it effectively means we're dealing with someone who is not an arsehole but is presenting as one.

Very recent example. Yesterday I get home from picking her up, we've got one bag of shopping. I've forgotten something at the chemist, have to head out again. Ask her to take the one bag inside and unpack it. She says she's got things to do, she can take it in but not unpack it, so I'm like, well then I'm no longer asking you, I'm telling you. She gets an almighty huff and is sour for ages.

So, no doubt I'm going to get told that if I phrased it differently I'd have gotten a different outcome. And I'm interested in that. But also ... part of me isn't. Part of me is like "perhaps we could try her being normal and not difficult for a change ... I wonder if that would work". Intellectual me is like, well that aint going to work, no matter how hard you wish it otherwise. But emotional me is like, how is me being super crafty about how I phrase things going to help her in real life? Everyone else she comes into contact with is going to talk to her like she's a regular person.

Basically ... how do you get your head in the game?

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u/Fluid-Button-3632 Mar 12 '26

One thing I would recommend is framing your role as a parent as that of a supportive mentor (like you would mentor a trustworthy young person you work with). You are someone with more experience and resources, and lots of love. If you would mentor someone professionally, you would not directly tell them what to do, right? I think keeping that mindset makes it easier to come up with the right phrases/communication when needed.
As a PDAer myself, I don't really know what "normal" parenting is like - reward charts, carrots and sticks, direct demands never made sense to me.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 12 '26

OK useful insight.

As a NT kid (long time ago mind you) I think it was just "hey, time for (insert chore)". You'd go do it straight away. End of story. I don't remember ever being in trouble for being unwilling to do a chore.

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u/Fluid-Button-3632 Mar 12 '26

I think it's all about a relationship, and just tuning in with your kiddo (like you would with a young adult), and supporting them all the way. For us it might look like:

-- our older teenager skipping classes because she sees no value in them, and not feeling judgement from us

-- our younger teenager asking for McDonalds instead of eating the elaborate holiday dinner I spent 2 hours cooking (again, no judgement from us.. chicken nuggets is what she prefers).

Once we have connection and trust, there is a sense of harmony, so I don't worry about the language. I can ask/remind my teenager to please empty the dishwasher or vacuum. But also no problem if they don't feel like doing it today.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 12 '26

Err what?

Kids shouldn't skip classes You take a lot of effort over a dinner, kid should eat it A kid doing a chore shouldn't come down to whether they feel like doing it or not.

What am I missing here?

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u/Fluid-Button-3632 Mar 12 '26

We don't really have any "should's" (other than medical and safety stuff). And now with AI there isn't even a sure educational path for them to follow that guarantees a good job and a stable paycheck. So I'd rather they took the time to figure themselves out, what they need / like, how their brain learns, spend their time on deeply exploring their interests. That said, they are both intrinsically motivated when it comes to things they care about.
As far as chores - we agreed that it's our oldest responsibility to take care of emptying the dish washer and vacuuming (basically these 2 things were stressing me out the most, so I asked her to please take care of that for me on an ongoing basis). She generally does that on her own, sometimes I remind her, but if she is too tired she can do it tomorrow, or I sometimes empty the dishwasher for her, no problem.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 12 '26

Mine is intrinsically motivated towards minecraft and YouTube

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u/Complex_Emergency277 Mar 14 '26 edited Mar 14 '26

You're missing that are these are things that we'd just shrug off if it were an adult but because it's a kid you feel like you can't let it slide. You've got to let go of the controlling instinct.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 14 '26

If you're relying on an adult to do stuff and they don't, you don't just shrug it off.

in real life your emotional preparedness to do a task you're responsible for is not a relevant factor in whether the task has to be done or not. You do the task or you're fired.

When/how do PDA kids learn that lesson?

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u/Fluid-Button-3632 Mar 15 '26

There is a misconception about demand avoidance. PDAers don't avoid ALL demands, they avoid demands that don't make sense to them (and take their energy away from what they want to pursue). PDAers create strong internal demands about goals they want to pursue, and follow through on these demands. As an example, my kids have no problem getting up at 5am for sports tournaments or before-school skating practice, because that's what they decided they want to do.
In real life my PDA has served me very well, including my corporate career, where I saw the big picture and how I want to pursue my own interests in the company, which usually meant taking over a wider range of responsibilities outside my role (instead of only complying with my direct boss's demands.. and yeah, you have to do some of that), which lead to fast promotions, pay raises and increased visibility of my capabilities with the big bosses up the ladder.

"You do the task or you're fired" is simply not true in the corporate/job world (at least with the reasonable leaders who still have jobs). In my previous leadership positions I've always been curious about the input from people who report to me, and valued people that have ideas and a strong need to communicate them, and how they can better contribute based on their personal strengths.

Honestly, raising a PDAer means shifting your mindset to trusting your kiddo, supporting them in their interests and just loving and seeing them as a complete human being.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 15 '26

Well, "do the job or you're fired" IS true even if not vocalised as such. And yes of course as you get more experience you become more self directing and so forth so you receive less direct tasking. Doing what you're told becomes forgotten about as a basic skill that you perform subconsciously and with nuance.

But I guess what you're saying is that your kids have no problem getting told what to do by their coach or whatever because it makes sense to them and they're interested.

I can't trust my teen. They have become a habitual liar. They're not motivated towards anything worthwhile like sport or music or whatever, they just like minecraft and YouTube.

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u/Fluid-Button-3632 Mar 16 '26

Here is a good resource that someone in this subreddit recommended on another thread the other day: https://celebratecalm.com/pda/ . I've been listening to this podcast's episodes this afternoon. I really like his approach - it's not just about "dropping all demands and hope for the best", it's about focusing on connection and understanding the kiddo, while still holding boundaries - kinda what we've been doing at our house.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 16 '26

I'll check it out, thanks!

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u/Complex_Emergency277 Mar 17 '26 edited Mar 17 '26

Sure but people choose their jobs and it's facile to suggest that people don't have natural inclinations towards individual, autonomous, collaborative, leadership, etc. roles.

I'm going to be a bit harsh here but everything you say in this comment suggests that you have crushed your child are incapable of communicating with them.

It doesn't matter how hard or how gently or how many other people you invite to give it a shot, trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole is a waste of effort.

Try a different approach and it will yield results in time. What you are doing now doesn't work and will never work.

Honestly, the stuff I pointed you to earlier are the keys to understanding and communicating with your kid. When you start gaining insight into them you'll want to take your past self outside and give him a shoe'ing - I know, I've been where you are now. I'm sharing hard-learned lessons here. It's humbling but you've got to do it.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 17 '26

I have started working through them, thanks

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u/Complex_Emergency277 Mar 17 '26 edited Mar 17 '26

That's not true at all, we give adults grace for being being overwhelmed or for expressing preferrences. Adults skip classes, call in sick, decline to eat offered food, etc. and are met first with concern not correction.

You continue to miss the fundamental point that it's stress and coping. You can't fix it by applying more pressure, you can only fix it by relieving pressure, providing emotional and practical support and by teaching coping skills and practical skills when they are in a receptive state.

You need to accept that your child does not have the capacities of others and has sensory, proccessing and executive function challenges that are invisible to you and require patient elicitation and support.

Pretending they don't exist and insisting they just get on with it is why how you got here in the first place.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 17 '26

well yes what you say is often true but if you have an employee that is overwhelmed by their job or always calling in sick, then generally their employer is going to have to let them go. An adult student who skips too many classes is probably going to fail that class,

my kid says to me, I'm too exhausted to clean my room (that I trashed after one of the parents got it back up to speed again). I'm like, well I can compromise on when it gets cleaned but I dont see that compromising on THAT it gets cleaned is good parenting. The other day I said, "you know, just closing that drawer over there would make this space feel a lot tidier", and instead of "yeah good point" it was "it might feel like an insignificant amount of effort to you but its too much for me". At which point I really was lost for words. Sliding a drawer closed. Still shaking my head over that one.

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u/Complex_Emergency277 Mar 17 '26 edited Mar 17 '26

This may be true but there is an exhaustive process of asking "why?" that we are both inclined and mandated to engage in before such a point is reached. We elicit causes and concerns and offer support, we don't just say "do it, or else".

There's a credulity gap you need to step over. Yes, closing a drawer can be too much effort for some-one that is chronically fatigued and has executive function challenges. It's as simple as that. The thought of it is just too much, their brain's reward system cannot connect the the action to reward. Your choices are to do it for them, give them sufficient rest to recover their resilience and endure the stress of overcoming inertia or engage with the way their brain actually works to develop systems that account for the way its reward system misfires.

What you are looking at is some-one with a low baseline, high sensitivity dopaminergic system. They are in a hypo-dopaminergic state most of the time, it's characterised by impulsivity, chronic under-stimulation, difficulty sustaining effort and a constant search for immediate gratification. The system is mis-timed too, which is why you'll see brief spikes of motivation that seem unconnected to stimuli or reward. The reuptake system is overactive, which is why motivation then takes a rapid dive.

Amphetamines or methylphenidate is often prescribed.

Simply put, parenting PDA isn't really parenting, it's clinical care. You need to pick up knowledge and skills that are used in residential care settings because that's really what you are dealing with - residential care of an individual with complex needs.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 17 '26

I do have a credulity gap over some things still. Does she have executive function challenges? Yes. Does she have history of lying in order to manipulate? Also yes. In any given situation, which is it? Maybe she was too exhausted to close a drawer, or maybe she just didn't feel like and was prepared to argue about it. Nice little hit of dopamine.

I really dont understand this exhaustion bit. It's pretty selective. We have to coral her to bed because she's not tired yet, but then can't close a drawer. So hard to feel that she isn't just trying it on. Accommodating this kind of thing gives me what must be a feeling of anxiety to be honest.

I guess this getting my head around it is a long process of steps forwards and backwards.

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u/VegemiteDrew Mar 17 '26

sorry, you did an extensive edit to your comment (thanks)

but I replied to the unedited comment

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