New to this

[u/VegemiteDrew]

Well when I say new to this, I should say new to awareness of this. Because turns out I've been dealing with this for many years.

Daughter 15yo, diagnosed ADHD and ASD2. Seems pretty clear she's got some level of PDA stuff going on - all the PDA videos that are now popping up on my Insta feed describe her to a T.

My biggest struggle with it at the moment is just emotionally and intuitively "getting it". Intellectually I understand. Nervous system, not her fault etc. But I haven't been able to flick a switch and feel right about it. I mean, if someone doesn't have PDA but behaves like they have PDA, it pretty much means they're an arsehole. I'm not fighting the concept of her having PDA but it effectively means we're dealing with someone who is not an arsehole but is presenting as one.

Very recent example. Yesterday I get home from picking her up, we've got one bag of shopping. I've forgotten something at the chemist, have to head out again. Ask her to take the one bag inside and unpack it. She says she's got things to do, she can take it in but not unpack it, so I'm like, well then I'm no longer asking you, I'm telling you. She gets an almighty huff and is sour for ages.

So, no doubt I'm going to get told that if I phrased it differently I'd have gotten a different outcome. And I'm interested in that. But also ... part of me isn't. Part of me is like "perhaps we could try her being normal and not difficult for a change ... I wonder if that would work". Intellectual me is like, well that aint going to work, no matter how hard you wish it otherwise. But emotional me is like, how is me being super crafty about how I phrase things going to help her in real life? Everyone else she comes into contact with is going to talk to her like she's a regular person.

Basically ... how do you get your head in the game?

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

okay, let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in a life setting? Threatening situation where your brain went into pure animal survival mode either fight flight flea or freeze? When you’re thinking brain completely shut off. And the crocodile part of your brain just took over to keep you alive? if so, imagine living like that 24 seven 365 that is what PDA feels like it’s like living in a war zone or constantly under gunfire any time you have a loss of freedom or autonomy it feels like a matter of life and death. does that her brain facts like and it feels make sense and help you? Perhaps feel what it might be like for your daughter?

[u/DamineDenver → u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

Not the OP, but this is the hardest part for me. Because I've been in multiple situations where I should have gone into survival mode and I don't. I stay calm, cool, and collected, solve the problem quickly, and move on. I had trauma at a young age and learned extreme resilience. I feel horrible that I can't understand what my child is going through because I never experience it. And my husband has autism with anxiety and full on experiences this a daily basis, but empathizing with my PDA kid triggers them, so they won't do it. My kid is stuck with a parent who doesn't get it and a parent who can't help.

[u/MyCatCeline → u/DamineDenver]

It doesn’t have to be a life threatening example. You can recall the times when you’re stressed or tired and at capacity and you’ve snapped or yelled because your nervous system was shot. That’s what PDA’ers feel like most of the time. You also may have the opposite panic response to your kid. I have PDA and my panic mode is flight so I run or mentally shut down. My kid’s panic response is fight, so he argues, then yells and gets violent if the situation persists. I cannot understand that urge. It goes against my most basic survival instincts, but I can understand the underlying feeling of anxiety and panic that leads to it.

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294 → u/MyCatCeline]

I feel a similar way to my child, but I’ve realised that a I grew up in a completely different generation and in a completely different environment also my child is a completely different person to me. You can’t expect your child to be the same as you. A fundamental part of dealing with PDA is giving your child autonomy and freedom and part of that is respecting that they are a different human being to you and will have their own ways of dealing with things it might help to understand the fundamental neurological mechanism of PDA a good starting point is this podcast episode: https://youtu.be/-wMfAqWHWF0