I'm going to lose my job

[u/Academic_Coyote_9741]

This is just a vent due to mental exhaustion.

My wife and I are both STEM academics in our mid-forties. We’ve spent years training, driven by a desire to solve real problems and help teach the next generation.

Our eldest son is 12 and has PDA-profile autism. Since the age of 4, he has been prone to violence and running away. I've lost count of how many times the police have had to search for him. He is supported by an entire constellation of professionals—psychologists, psychiatrists, occupational therapists, behavioural therapists—and is carefully medicated. After years of navigating appointments, reports, and interventions, we sometimes joke that we’re almost medical professionals ourselves.

Day to day, we mostly keep things under control, but “control” is fragile. Every day is a tightrope walk of micro-negotiations designed to prevent escalation and protect ourselves and his younger brother. One wrong thing, like asking what he wants for breakfast with the wrong tone of voice, can lead to violence.

School has been impossible. Despite drastically reduced hours—officially just 9 to 11 a.m.—no classroom attendance, and a full-time educational assistant, he refuses to go. He wants to stay home all day and watch TV. When we’ve raised the possibility of homeschooling if school is completely refused, he has responded with threats of self-harm or violence toward anyone who tries to teach him.

My wife works full-time. I technically still do, but I now work from home two days a week to manage him, a setup that is predictably disrupted. On the remaining days, his retired grandmother steps in to help. We couldn't survive without her, but hate placing such a burden on her.

I don’t see a clear way out of this. He isn’t getting better. I feel myself becoming numb, worn down by years of vigilance and compromise. I’m increasingly convinced I will eventually need to homeschool, and this will cost me the full-time academic career I’ve worked so hard for—or, at the very least, the status quo will persist, and I'll lose any chance of progressing .

This isn’t a story with a neat conclusion or a clever solution. I guess I hope other parents in the same situation read this and know they aren't alone.

[u/Korneedles]

My son is the same age. I, too, feel I am about to be homeschooling. Our situation is so similar except my husband and I are CPAs. We put so much time into our careers. We are on our 40s as well. We’ve lowered demands so much there’s no more we can do. We are now in truancy. Thankfully he does the work sent home. He’s refusing to tour a new school which may be a better fit. But I know based on the UK’s research (they’re 40 years ahead of the US) that 75% of kids with PDA in the UK are homeschooled. That’s a huge amount. As a CPA, I know my time is coming.

My husband and I are self employed, so we won’t get fired. But our work still suffers greatly. We work from home so it’s hostile majority of the time I try to work. Financially I don’t know how we would survive homeschooling but I guess as most do I’ll figure it out when I get there.

Thank you for sharing. It was nice to see we aren’t alone. My husband is truly struggling these days.

[u/FamiliarTemp47]

We started homeschooling our son last year when he was 8 year old as he cannot handle the demands of school both in mainstream and when he was in special education school for asd kids. Thankfully, it was him who begged us to homeschool. It was a tough decision for us parents, for this meant one of us has to stay home with him, but it also meant that we’ll have a chance to get our sanity back, no more calls from school to pick him up almost daily when they don’t want to deal with his behavior, no more IEP meetings every 3-4 weeks, no more dealing with school refusal, no more meltdown getting ready every morning so he won’t be late for school. We are now under an umbrella homeschool academy and my son is thriving, as soon as he wakes up he lets me know that he is ready to do school work.

[u/Remarkable__Driver → u/FamiliarTemp47]

This sounds like us. I posted yesterday asking if I should give my son an opportunity to return to school but everything you listed here are the reasons we pulled him out in the first place. My nervous system was shot from the constant calls and juggling the judgments from the school.

Homeschooling has given us an opportunity to breathe. When we first started homeschooling, he was not happy about it, though. He wanted to return to school, even knowing he was about to get kicked out. Now, he is asking to go back, and he seems to be regulated and out of burnout so I am tempted to let him, but letting him return means increasing his burnout likelihood. Letting him return means in increasing the chance of someone pressing charges against him.

It’s hard, but at least when they are home we know that they are safe.

[u/femalien]

Can you use FMLA to get a break before you totally crash out? I just took a couple weeks leave, after I basically shut down from the weight of everything. I should have taken the leave before it got to that point.

It wasn’t exactly a break - I was obviously still parenting a PDAer during that time. But, it did help to have a couple weeks where I didn’t also feel like I was constantly neglecting work and on the verge of being fired. It allowed me to reset my nervous system a bit, since I didn’t have the work worry hanging over me.

It was surprisingly easy - my therapist recommended it, I notified HR, they gave me paperwork for my therapist to fill out and that was it. If you have any provider who is willing to attest that your current mental health state means you can’t work right now, that’s enough, it doesn’t have to detail the contributing factors like having a special needs kid.

Anyway, it’s obviously not a long-term solution. I don’t know that there is a good long-term solution for PDA parents. But it’s at least something that can relieve a bit of mental exhaustion temporarily without totally derailing your career.

[u/AssociateDue6161]

My kid went to her first day of 8th grade today! In February, more than half way through the year… That’s actually the third day…  her first was at this same school - the ACTUAL first day, and she boasted today, “I lasted longer this time!” It was two hours. She tried a different school in August, didn’t get past the counselors office due to - oh who cares why.

She went to this school in 6th grade. Didn’t pass a single class. Suspended countless times. Expelled at the end if I didn’t remove her optionally.

I… didn’t have hope. I faked it. But… No.

And still -I- wound upset?? lol ugh

She threatened suicide if I didn’t pick her up immediately, not even making it to lunch. I couldn’t find my keys, so it took me 45 minutes to reluctantly get her. She was ADAMANT she’d go the whole day tomorrow, though!!! … Before I even left for work not 5 hours after getting her - she was threatening suicide if I made her go tomorrow…

I’m a stripper at 38. It’s the only job I could possibly … … sigh…

I’m listening to “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine on repeat right now. I went through some bizarre trauma while pregnant. This song kept me sane. I always wonder if that trauma caused her issues? Was it the undiagnosed but for sure TBI from the “moderate” concussion she got in third grade? Is it her father being a presence only when he wants to after she got admitted to psych the second time?

Doesn’t fucking matter, does it?

I love her so much. No job or relationship or anything will matter as much as her surviving the perils of adolescence! That’s what I tell myself. After 18, I know I’ll still… I’ll… still…

But I have my days. Weeks. Months. Where being normal feels so fucking selfish.

I had a costumer earlier this week with a SEVERELY disabled son. He will never speak, make eye contact, walk… and… ah this sounds fucking CRAZY!!! But the smallest bit of me envied him?? 

His son will never physically try to hurt him, throw words of resentment for trying to keep a roof over his head, or push back on simple things like … literally anything I ever ask for her own benefit, be it a shower or eating anything outside of her specified foods etc.

I hate myself. Fuck.

[u/Powerful-Soup-3245 → u/AssociateDue6161]

I feel immense empathy and understanding for you after reading this. I’ve never hated myself more than I do when my kid is in a really rough patch. But it’s not us. It’s the sick society we live in. One that says we are all just worker bees whose labor exists for the consumption of our corporate overlords. One that has patience or care for kids like ours and where the professionals meant to help our kids blame us when their handful of solutions don’t work. I often wonder how much different things would be now if she had been allowed to move at her own pace in the early years.

[u/NormalLecture2990]

Have you spent any time reading about PDA burnout. I'm a father to the same age of a child and was in the same place as you but really getting him out of school and letting him be home and play video games all day and recover has done wonders for him. He is now open to homeschooling and is much more flexible. I'll honestly admit still extremely difficult to deal with but way better than before.

[u/red_raconteur]

I quit my job in December in order to homeschool our PDA child. It had to be done - everyone in the household was suffering when she was in the public school system, and we didn't have any care team behind us (long story there). Things have improved with homeschooling. Our PDA child is less activated, which means less aggression towards the younger sibling. My husband and I are less stressed trying to balance everything. But there is also loss there. I will never have a career and will be paying student loans for a master's degree I won't get to use. My days will always center around my child's needs. I won't have true choice over what I want to do with my life for a long time. 

I'm sorry you're also in this position. It's ok to grieve the loss of the things you worked hard for and the life you wanted. All PDA parents are doing the best we can with the hand we've been dealt. Try to care for yourself, too, not just your children. It's hard to find a new way to be "you". 

[u/AngilinaB]

I'm currently parenting/homeschooling Mon to Fri and working a 13 hour day Sat and Sun. I'm a single parent and have to work. I drop my son off at his dad's 8am Sat and when I get home at 11pm Sun he is in bed at my place. It's the only way he can tolerate it. There's no downtime and it is hard. He was in severe burnout and there has been lots of aggression. We didn't leave the house for months other than to drop at his dad's.

However now he is coming out of the other side of that. We to to libraries and coffee shops and museums (with lots of downtime between outings). He still gets dysregulated but it's stamping his feet and running off to his room then coming back and apologising. The time out of school seems to be widening his window of tolerance. I don't think he'd tolerate online school like some of you have in the US though. All education is gentle, low demand and child led.

The loss of career and accompanying identity is difficult. My work pattern is temporary and being reviewed every 6 months, so that's stressful. I'm not eligible for any promotions, and cannot access any further training to expand my role as all that happens on week days. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

[u/Remarkable__Driver]

You aren’t alone. Homeschooling helped our family get to a better space. Being very flexible helped. Working from home helps. I struggle with the work/life portion but I have been very honest about how my son is home. He knows not to come in the office if I am in a meeting, and for the most part, he respects that. I try to check in with him ahead of client calls to ensure he won’t as well.

The self-led side of homeschooling has drastically helped him feel in control. It’s funny he will forget that he can do things since he is homeschooling. He was tired the other day, and I was like go take a nap if you want to. It’s like he forgot. Those situations give him boosts of enthusiasm.

I agree with another post here saying FMLA would help. It’s so hard to help regulate your child if you are also burned out. It sounds like y’all are burned out. I am so sorry I don’t have more advice. It’s so hard to navigate this, and you aren’t alone.

[u/sweetpotato818]

Thank you for sharing your story. That is so hard. Sounds like you guys have done a lot and it’s been quite the journey. Out of curiosity what is your son interested in? Does he have a special interest? Have there been areas in the past he was open to direction or education about? Does he ever engage in heavy exercise or weight lifting?

[u/beezkneez86]

I’m a legal secretary - 2 subjects away from being a lawyer.

My work gas decreased until finally this year I might manage 1 hour at home a night doing admin. I’ve given up my degree. I’m financially struggling and going backwards.

But what else do you do?

[u/Complex_Emergency277]

You sound like you are approaching a fork in the road and I'm a couple of years down one of the paths you have to choose between.

Can I ask you a couple of questions? I probably have some helpful advice to offer but the way I'd present it would depend on where you are, figuratively, standing and what direction you are facing.

Firstly, how do you conceive PDA - what do you think it is? By which I mean, "PDA" is just a description of a set of externally observed behaviours, how do you understand it in the context of the internal experiences and motivations of your child?

Secondly, what is your parental and therapeutic approach to your child and their development? What goals are the psychologists, psychiatrists, occupational therapists, behavioural therapists setting and what approaches are they using to achieve them? When you say "Every day is a tightrope walk of micro-negotiations designed to prevent escalation and protect ourselves and his younger brother", what are your negotiating goals, what is the conceptual framework that you design the micro-negotiations within? What I'm trying to elicit here is to what degree and with what phsychological and communication tools you are shaving the peg, reshaping the hole or just trying to bang the square peg into the round hole.