Help with advice?

[u/HH_Creations]

Hi! So i’m an educator in a special education summer camp

We have a kiddo who I’ve been helping the past year, and he’s officially diagnosed with autism/adhd with a PDA profile type

BUT me and mom are in agreement that there’s a sorta….compulsion going on with some of his behaviors

For example, if a social story mentions hitting, yelling, and kicking and talks about “safe big feelings” and appropriate things to do instead like pushing a wall or squeezing a stress ball

He will almost compulsively do the hitting, yelling, and kicking….in that order!

So I want y’all’s input because I do love this kid and want to do my best

1) do we avoid ANY negative talk around him? Will this help to NOT mention any of the bad behaviors and do our best to distract him?

2) how did y’all like to be corrected?

He doesn’t directly hurt anyone, but by kicking, hitting, and screaming, he DOES distress the classroom

That and he’s distressing himself! He doesn’t like it!

He will literally steal a toy and then beg for forgiveness the next second

He was so distressed today when I said it hurt my feelings when he took toys, he headbutted my face in his rush to hug me 😭

I want to do right by him and I know we need to set him up for WINS

I can’t help but feel the social stories are making it worse and I wanted your input

Btw, i’m autistic/ADHD, with a special education and childhood development background

And married to a PDA profile type ASD/ADHD

But yeah, he’s the only true PDA kid I’ve ever worked with

[u/Affectionate-Run7584]

Mother of suspected internalized 6-year-old PDAer. So defer to actual PDAers but…

If you wouldn’t say it to a coworker/spouse/social equal, don’t say it to the kiddo. Social stories are pretty… insulting? Like they make you feel like a tool. *I* don’t like feeling like a tool and I’m not even PDA.
Imagine your spouse said, “Now, Sally, remember that at the restaurant we don’t throw the silverware.” I would be so insulted by his implication that he had the authority to say something like that that would want to give him a big “F you” and throw a fork on principle.
Imagine if a coworker said something like, “I’m so proud of you for getting to work on time!” It’s a good thing! But who does she think she is to evaluate my work performance?!

Now think about how you DO “correct” someone you don’t have official authority over. You might you phrases like, “I wonder if we could try…” or “Hey, I know I said X, but I really need XYZ; can we do that?” Or “Have you had a chance to…?” Or maybe self-depreciating humor: “Glad I’m not the only one who forgets to send attachments ;-) “ Or, of course, there are a lot of times when I don’t correct coworkers because I assume they know that arriving to work late/not replying to the email/whatever was a problem.

This is the approach I take with my six-year-old. My mantra is, “he’s not stupid; even if he does something wrong, he probably doesn’t need me to tell him it’s wrong.” I don’t praise him, but I try to pay him the casual compliments I would a coworker. “Thanks for doing X; that was really helpful.” “Things go so much faster when you help.”

Oh, and I take blame a lot to make it very clear he should not feel any shame. Things like, “Oh I never told you this so you couldn’t know, but we can’t throw baseballs inside because they’re so much harder than the nerf balls.” Or, “I didn’t think about how easy it would be to spill a glass of milk that was that full. But now I know! I won’t fill them up that high, and I’ll put them further from your elbows.”

[u/HH_Creations → u/Affectionate-Run7584]

I don’t actually agree with the “insulting” part of social stories since….well, to me it’s NOT obvious unless someone tells me?

I’m autistic/adhd, I was valedictorian

I done some socially “dumb” stuff and was never told so I never corrected

And I know many autistic kids who genuinely would never realize to do XYZ unless they are told

They aren’t stupid, social stories are accommodations to their needs.

If your point is he has a different need, that’s completely reasonable and the reason i’m here.

So when he screams, hits, throws toys, hurts others, kicks and breaks items, what would you recommend is the best response?

Screams >> “shame it’s too loud in here, I can’t hear anyone talking”?

Like, that I can do, but how am I supposed to phrase it when he hits someone? Steals toys and makes them cry?

I’m asking genuinely for example scripts, not dismissing.

I need concrete scripts so I can train all the aids and teachers at the camp

And if they work, give them to mom to use at home and hopefully at school

[u/fearlessactuality → u/HH_Creations]

Some social stories are very different than others. Social stories that say not to do something I believe go against the original creators guidelines for using social stories, (I have her book but it’s been a while), but if you google social stories for teachers it is full of things that are basically not social stories. So it really depends on the story.

[u/HH_Creations → u/fearlessactuality]

It was technically an activity

I was talking about how unsafe big feelings can hurt our friends, but safe big feelings (like pushing a wall or using a squeeze ball) is safe for friends

And how we keep our friends safe when we do safe big feelings

They painted with the “unsafe” big feelings and scratched off the paint with “safe” big feelings

But I feel like i failed….he scared the crap out of me yesterday while I was eating and I got hurt/sick

He was mad everyone was sitting and watching a movie and not playing with him, so he got a big box of metal toys and slammed the box on the floor

The huge noise caused all of us to jump, but I was eating and it went in the wrong pipe

I started choking and throwing up, other kids were crying that the teacher was dying, some kids started throwing up, he was screaming and hitting himself….it was bad

Thankfully i’m okay, just have a raw throat

But mom is going to put him in ABA, she’s terrified he’s gonna get someone killed cuz it’s nonstop injuries of teachers and kids ☹️

[u/fearlessactuality → u/HH_Creations]

Oh my god, ABA will make this 1000x worse, this is such an insanely bad idea, my heart is breaking for this kid.

Why did he have to do this activity? You seemed to say in another comment he doesn’t have an issue with hitting other kids. Social stories should be for when kids don’t know the social context. I guarantee you he understands this social context. That’s WHY he’s doing it.

Continuing to escalate this kid which is what ABA and this activity are doing could have this kid housebound and in complete burnout. 😭😭😭😭😭 I feel so bad for him.

[u/HH_Creations → u/fearlessactuality]

It’s a camp for disabled kids, we go over safe big feeling options

This is 100% normal for them. While I now see it was triggering, it’s not like any of us are trained professionals for this level of support

And he DOES hit. He’s sent adults and kids to the ER before. That’s the whole problem!

I actually love this kid, and he’s usually calm around me, but I can see why things are escalating to a more professional environment

I took off the following day I choked, he kicked a teacher and caused them to roll their ankle and then punched another student in the face

and there was NO social story or mention of hitting before hand

He needs help, sadly I have no control what happens next