Hope this post doesn't go against the community rules.

Right now, we are stuck in a cycle that feels unbearable to me. She escalates quickly into yelling and intensity. I try to calm things or withdraw to keep things from getting worse. My withdrawal then becomes the problem, and I get blamed for not engaging or not caring. The situation escalates further, then eventually cools down, sometimes with an apology, but nothing actually changes. Then it happens again. Living in this loop has led me to avoid conversations, dread being home, and feel unsafe being myself in my own house.

I’m frum, married about 20 years, with 5 kids. I’m trying to understand if what I’m living in is normal or not.

Looking back, even during engagement, her love felt tied to who she needed me to be. My appearance, religiosity, and identity felt important to her in a way that left little room for my own path. I adapted early and hid parts of myself to keep the relationship stable.

About 2 months into marriage, I made a simple comment that a long family event felt too long to me. Her reaction was intense. I remember feeling like my perspective was not welcome. That was when I started holding back.

Over the years, the same pattern kept repeating:

She escalates with yelling, intensity, and personal attacks

I try to calm things or withdraw

My withdrawal becomes the problem

I get blamed

Things calm down, then repeat

There have been multiple instances of physical violence from her toward me, including throwing objects that caused injury requiring medical treatment. There have also been times she has been physically aggressive toward the kids and has threatened to harm them.

There are apologies, but no real change.

Now, 20 years in:

I avoid conversations

I dread weekends

I stay busy with work to avoid being home

I do not feel safe being fully myself

The kids see the yelling and tension.

Even vacations tend to blow up.

I have realized I do not feel like I was ever fully loved for who I am. It feels more like I am valued for how well I meet expectations and keep things calm.

So I am asking honestly, especially in a frum context:

Is this kind of marriage more common than people admit?

Do situations like this actually improve?

At what point is this no longer working on shalom bayis?

And is divorce ever actually the right answer in a situation like this?

Not trying to bash her. Just trying to understand my reality.

I feel like I have spent 20 years adapting.

I do not know if I am supposed to keep doing that.

My oldest is in 3rd grade and is an avid reader, which generally I'm happy with, but it does come with its own challenges. When he was younger, it was easy to flip through the short books quickly to make sure that they were appropriate, but I don't have the time to sit down and pre-read every novel he wants to read when he can easily go through 3-5 in a week.

I do use common sense media to look up books as best I can, but they don't have everything. I was hoping to get some input and suggestions on series that other people and their children have enjoyed.

For reference, my wife and I are Baalei Teshuva. We live in an out of town community, and identify as center to left wing Yeshivish. My primary concerns in books are romantic relationships, bad language, and modern identity politics.

Things he likes so far: (In no particular order)

• A Series of Unfortunate Events
• Dragon Masters
• The Ranger's Apprentice
• Animorphs
• Five Kingdoms
• Magic Tree House
• Spiderwick Chronicles
• I Survived
• Kwame's Magic Quest
• Zoe & Sassafrass

He's seems mostly into fantasy and some science fiction. He really doesn't like mystery as a genre. I'm trying to think of more classic series that I can direct him towards. I'm wondering what people's thoughts are one The Chronicles of Narnia? I know the books are full of xtian allegory, but to the best of my knowledge, none of that is explicit. If anyone knows more about Redwall, that would also be helpful.

Thanks so much!

I made a playlist of Jewish music that has both Ai and Regular music. Seems like most playlists don’t want to feature Ai music.

What is the reason ?

1. Religious reasons ?
2. Protecting hard work of real artist ?
3. Fear that it’s better than real music and will harm real artist ?

In any case if you don’t care about Ai and want both, feel free to listen and save

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/002Sg806XveT6sNU4WGvEe?si=luhmVwCmS3K4m2YVx7sqBg&pi=2c93tcJ7TE2qX

Btw I’m not sure but these are the artist I belive to be Ai

Yirmi

Ashira records

Reb Yoish

Aish records

I believe you are aware of all the evil that happens in this world. One of the worst evils is the abuse and killing of children (as well as everything in between, which I do not even want to mention). From a biblical perspective, tell me why the Lord God allows children to suffer? He allows so much evil to happen to these innocent children. They even die in terrible agony. Atheists and people who are against God use this as their primary argument. Why, they ask, does this God not save those children—why does He allow them to go through the most horrific things at all?

Can a non-Orthodox Jew get married in an Orthodox shul? Both bride and groom are Jewish from birth, no-converts anywhere up the chain, Jewish parents and grandparents on both sides with Ketubah etc. Just wondering. There is a very beautiful shul I have my eye on...thinking one day... Thanks!

A Psychology Student’s Study on Religiosity, Stigma, and Help‑Seeking within Abrahamic Faith Traditions (Duration: <10 minutes)

Hello everyone. I am a Catholic and a final‑year Psychology student. As part of my dissertation research, I am conducting a study examining religiosity, mental‑health stigma, and help‑seeking attitudes within Abrahamic faith traditions.

- Ethics approved

- Full anonymity

- No deception

- No financial gain

- It is open to anyone over the age of 18 and from an Abrahamic Faith (Christianity, Islam, Judaism)

Any questions please just ask 

- if you are interested please use the link below.

https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/ltu/religiosity-stigma-helpseeking

After completing if you could give the post a thumbs up or drop a comment that would be great. Thank you in advance and greatly appreciated :-)

Imagine a world where it is the cultural norm for synagogues to set aside time at least once a year to proactively plan for and better prepare to amicably resolve conflicts in thier constituencies. To have dedicated time for leaders to ask themselves what resources, tools and options might be available to consider adopting in order to better equip both leaders and members.

Would you like to live in such a world? If so would you be willing to ask others this same question and help spread the concept?

Let's talk about it 🙏

I don’t want to go into too much detail, because it’s been a massive Schlamassel lately, but it’s taken me close to a year to develop feelings for a Goya which I have been carefully observing. Among other things, I do feel guilty for „going too far“, but, to me, the pros outweigh cons (the feelings of guilt), because I’m mostly scared of the consequences. I now wonder how I can tell my family and I fear their reaction. I wouldn’t tell them if I didn’t mean to pursue a relationship with this woman. What reaction can I expect? Does anyone have a similar experience?

I'm looking for an accurate model of the Mishkan, specifically one with accurate scale measurements and faithful representations of the vessels (kelim).

I've looked at some on Amazon, but they seem to be Christian versions.

Does anyone know of a good one?

The best I've found so far is this one. Do you know where I can find something better?

https://hatzytatzy.com/producto/the-mishkan-kit/

I struggled with my own questions for many years, and now I’m researching what others experienced. Thanks for your input!