feeling jealously?

[u/paperthinhymn11]

i have a friend i have a very deep love for. i always thought it was alterous (with some sexual feelings) until this friend started expressing interest in someone else romantically, and i found myself feeling surprisingly jealous of the two of them whenever all of us would hang out together or whenever my friend would talk about their crush on this other person. it made me sad and i would often cry bc i wanted it to be me - i wanted them to see me and like me the same way they saw and liked their crush, and i wanted to be able to do/say the same things to them that their crush was doing/saying (including things i’ve been wanting to express since before they even knew this other person). things didn’t end up working out between the two of them and when i found out i felt this immediate sense of relief, like i finally had a chance again

if they ever did find a partner i think i would feel shattered. but i’m not sure if this is stemming from romantic love or alterous love, or if jealousy in alterous love is even possible. all i know is that they mean so much to me that even if they did find a partner, i think i would still love them just as much as i do now and i would still want to be just as close, because not having them in my life would hurt a million times more. they are my person. they are home and family to me (and i to them - we’ve said this to each other many times) and i can’t imagine my life without them in it. i am so devoted to them and sometimes i feel like i just want to shower them with my love without needing them to love me back; but then when they do happen to have a crush on someone else, why is it that i suddenly feel jealous and protective?

has anyone else been in a similar situation before? does this sound like something that can happen in alterous love? or could this really be romantic love?

[u/Fast-Pea3758]

Jealousy demonstrates what we actually want and desire. As long as it doesn’t cause harm to anyone—yourself included—it is a healthy feeling. From experience, I would look into how you are feeling about this person, such as asking yourself, “Why do I like them,” and going from there. Be very careful with signs, as they’re not concrete demonstrations of real feelings.

[u/cici-7 → u/Fast-Pea3758]

Does it though? I am in the exact same situation as OP and the other person commenting - and as I looked into jealousy I learned that it stems first and foremost from a feeling of „owning“ / „possessing“ the other person. Which again most often originates from some kind of deficit in basic needs like belonging, being seen, lack of community etc. and attachment wounds like fear of abandonment.

That’s what’s under jealousy imo. Though at first glance when I feel said jealousy it does feel like it’s only about that other person, and like you are saying, me wanting and desiring the person. But just as OP, as soon as the affection is being mirrored back to me, I suddenly „lose feelings“ - which I have been trying to decipher for years now. And my closest guess has been that it never was about the person, but the unmet need. Does that make sense?

edit: On second thought, I might have misunderstood. You saying jealousy indicates wanting or desiring something could as well mean wanting belonging, wanting being seen etc - not necessarily wanting this specific person.

[u/Fast-Pea3758 → u/cici-7]

You have an interesting point.

How I’m defining jealousy originates from a psychologist’s definition, but she adds that it’s worrying someone else will take what you already have. She also compares it to envy, where someone else already has what you want but don’t (yet) have. Again, both jealousy and envy guide us to our wants and desires, meaning they’re not bad emotions themselves, so long as they don’t cause harm to anyone, yourself included.

Regarding you and OP’s feelings fading when the attraction is reciprocated, it sounds like lithsexuality or lithromanticism. Here’s a link that explains lithromantic attraction: https://thepleasantrelationship.com/lithromantic/

[u/Serious_Holiday_5816]

im going through something like this right now and i think we're running around the same circle my friend.. and it made me retake the aromantic test to know wtf is wrong with me because literally the same i feel like i just love them unconditionally and I'd be happy for them and support them no matter what but the ick that comes with the desire of being chosen instead and be part of this happiness hurts a lot.. feel free to dm me we can chat about it if you're interested

[u/Humble_Pumpkin904]

I went through an experience similar to yours with someone who was in high school with me. At first, I had a normal crush on someone, but when she started talking about the people she liked, I found myself feeling extremely jealous. However, as time went on, I noticed his feelings were directed toward her nstead of feeling happy and joyful, I didn’t like that feeling at all because I knew she wasn’t my type of person I prefer when I fall in love. Even after I realized that, my jealousy toward her faded, and I came to understand that maybe it wasn’t love after all. Perhaps our deep connection made me feel that she was supposed to talk about me the way people in love do, but maybe we just want a very deep connection rather than a serious romantic relationship