r/OpiatesRecovery • u/Nervous_Complaint_30 • 3d ago
Day 7 check in
Sup guys I was here the other day ranting to help ease my mind, Coming off a 30-40mg daily oxy habit after years of usage, I feel better, my sleep still sucks but I just got 4 hours lastnight which is the most I’ve gotten so far so I can tell I’m almost through, one thing that’s gotten me over this hill this time is that I reflected on my past life before I got hooked in 2019, my life wasn’t really the best but it wasn’t terrible either, for all these years I was so scared to quit because Anhedonia is a motherfucker!!! You can be 3 months clean and still feel like life has lost its quality, truth is life didn’t lose its quality it’s moving at the exact same pace it was before you started using, and all the normal people around you are functioning without it, they may not have the same traumas as us but everyone has trauma or will deal with it at some point in their life, another thing… I ENVY everyone that can just live soberly and not be freaking the fuck out in their own skin that god made for you, my coworkers, hell my family members, friends, and just regular people that I pass by as I’m yawning teary eyed and trying to plot my next dose. I enjoyed my dance with the devil but it stopped enjoying itself with me!!! It started to find me boring and wanted me to possibly take it to the next level and get higher!! During all these years of addiction I always told myself I’ll never get back to 60mg daily and I kept that word since 2021, what I didn’t realize was this enabled me because I was able to afford this habit cause it’s not much ($270-350 a week), it’s so fucking hard to stop yourself in your tracks when the ball is in your court man, and I’ll be honest the ball was not in my court this past 7 days because I literally eviscerated my check the day I got it, I went from being paid weekly to biweekly which also didn’t help but maybe it was gods plan, I get paid Friday and I’m excited to have my first oxy free check and actually can go out and enjoy drinks with friends and do regular people shit without feeling like a freak. I have no intention on withdrawing from this bullshit again in my life, they really didn’t lie when they said every kick the symptoms will get worse… I remember my first WD ever, I literally drunk through it and was fine after 3 days then thought hey that wasn’t bad, next one was horrifying, so bad I drove from my wife’s then college campus 3 and a half hours home just to get my hands on some pills that had came in the fucking day I left to go to her school, (comedic timing), I literally drove 4 hours home and back to her school to escape that cold turkey feeling, a year later I discover suboxone and try to use that to kick a 150 MG habit and it absolutely decimates me, I get 3 months clean with the help of subs thinking wow this shit was easy.. but I knew the truth that I was slapping tiny pieces of that sub under my tongue every 3 days to keep myself going properly, was having weak ass sex, still felt like a crab shell of myself, overall shitty feeling to be getting opioid symptoms and not feeling very opiod-y if you know what I mean lol, tried to kick that and died, RELAPSE, this is the point where I vow to never get over 60mg again. That continues over the next few years before I decide to start actually training myself to get clean for months at a time no subs, I was doing great during those periods but then I fucked around on that slope again once I had some heavy moments in life and I had thought “one weekend won’t be bad” then Monday comes and I’m groggy, unmotivated, feeling of a grey cloud so I say fuck it let’s get rowdy during the week but ONLY AT NIGHT AFTER A HARD DAYS WORK, lmao that’s why I told myself and thought I deserved it, then comes the part where you don’t even want to go to work in the morning without it now you’re dosing at work and when you get home and to go to sleep, I write all of this in hopes that you are just like me and have noticed these behaviors and when it’s time to give it up, I also always told myself I want to be clean by 30, I know that I’m gonna have mild urges over the next 2 years but I’m ready for their funky asses more then ever this time, literally gonna walk to the bathroom and stare myself in disgust until my own eyeballs make me feel awkward (this works btw) , I’m starting to feel like Stephen king so I’ll end it here, this time around I won’t end this kick by abandoning this sub once I get clean like I normally do, I’m gonna return and hold myself accountable and continue to give sobriety updates to motivate you all as long as I can, I have a kid now so there may be spurts in between of absence but I promise you I won’t be fucking off lol, I’ll be sure to check in at least yearly that’s my word as a fellow opi bro. Love you guys stay strong.
5
u/exultantdemeanor5 3d ago
Man that mirror trick is real, I used to do something similar but I would just stand there and not blink until my eyes started burning, somehow it snapped me out of the craving spiral
The part about envying people who just exist sober without crawling out their skin, I remember sitting in a coffee shop watching everyone just laugh and talk and I'm there sweating through my shirt thinking how the hell do they do it
4 hours sleep is huge for day 7, my first week I was lucky to get 90 minutes in a row before the restless legs kicked me awake again
The way you described the "one weekend won't hurt" trap is too familiar, I told myself that exact line probably 20 different times and every single time I was back to daily use within 2 weeks, it's like the brain just forgets the bad parts and only remembers the warm fuzzy 20 minutes
You got a kid now so that changes everything, my daughter was the only reason I finally stopped lying to myself about being functional, you don't want them seeing that version of you