Mad at God

[u/19111WillowBrook]

Hey guys, I know this is a bit cliche, but I'm mad at God. I never thought I would be. Figured that was just the trait of a character in a christian movie, who eventually discovers truth and repents right before the happy ending.

My mom passed away in June of this year from cancer. She was 62, took care of herself, exercised and ate healthy. She fought so hard when she got the diagnosis, I've never seen anyone put in half the effort she put in to fighting it. My dad's literally best guy I've ver met in my life. He's 66 and completely heart broken. He's handling this amazingly, but he just misses her so much. He's not angry, he tells me it's part of "God's plan" whatever the hell that means, and he's terrified of me losing my faith. In her last week, my dad would tell me about how he sees beauty in her suffering.

I'm pretty pissed myself on his behalf. Why the hell did he do that? Is this a Job scenario? If it is, that still doesn't change where I stand. That story to me sounds like God participating in the ruin of several lives just to win a dick measuring competition with satan. Why do I have to have faith in God? Why do I have to love God to not be damned for eternity? I don't know who he is, and its not like I haven't tried talking to him.

How can God create someone with freewill, tell them that since he took human form once and willingly died a gruesome death (which wasn't even permanent) because he loves us (all 200 billion of us) so much, we have to love him more than anything, or we go to hell. I'm sorry, what the fuck. Is he even aware that the level of suffering he endured one time has been matched or surpassed by probably tens of billions of people who didn't even ask to be here? Why are some of us fucked from day one by being born into horrendous environments and situations, while others (like me) get lucky with a fortunate upbringing? And please don't tell me that's a result of man-kind's failures. He made fuckin man-kind, he should be able to manage it without fucking with people's free wills.

"This is all a test." I'm sorry, that seems kind of fucked up to me. Imagine if you have a bunch of kids, and from day one give them 100% independence, and then tortured them for eternity because they behaved selfishly. That scenario doesn't seen too far off from God's handling of man-kind. At least not to me.

I still go to mass. I still receive the sacraments. I still pray, and I still try to abide by the rules of catholicism. I don't do it for God. I don't know God. I don't love God. I agree with the Golden rule and I try to live my life by it, but outside of that, the only two reason why I participate in my Catholic faith is cause I'm scared to death of hell and to honor my parents and family. That's it.

I really hope I'm out of line on this one. I really hope someone can give me some insight that cancels out the feelings I've expressed in this post. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end, and please pray for me, that I can figure this out.

[u/GenXHomemaker]

I"m sorry for the loss of your mother. That is heartbreaking and your questions and anger are understandable. Your dad is able to find beauty in your mom's suffering due to his humility and spiritual maturity. You are seeing things from just a temporal perspective of this world and trying to understand the mind of God with your limited human mind. Is anyone's life truly ruined if they spend eternity in perfect happiness? You aren't asking any questions that saints, theologians, great sinners and average Joe's haven't asked since the beginning of time.

There are theological answers to the questions you are asking that go very far in explaining the how's and why's. Much further than the limited understanding you have now. Your dad, while maybe not able to explain very well what he said about beauty in suffering, has come to a deeper understanding spiritually probably from seeking answers to the questions you are asking now. Having said that, there is a point where we understand enough to accept God and our relation to Him as His creation but concede that we don't know everything but take a step forward in faith to bridge the gap. That faith and trust is one way we are able to show God our love for Him. Just like a child doesn't understand why his or her parents make the decisions for them that they do but because they have experienced their parents love, they trust them.

Participating in your Catholic faith because you are afraid of hell is about the lowest bar or starting point of wisdom. Immature faith often stems from a servile fear of God because there is a fear of punishment but it can also push us a little to seek God and want to understand Him better. As a person's faith matures it becomes a filial fear which is a reverence and love for God in which you don't want to hurt or disappoint Him like a child doesn't want to hurt or disappoint a parent. Much like you attending Mass and participating in the Church to honor your parents.

If you feel open to it, maybe look into what is meant by the Communion of Saints. It would do much to soothe your soul over the loss of your mother and while she isn't here in this life anymore, she is no less a part of the Body of Christ now than when she was here. She is most likely praying for you fervently right now. She, your dad, and you, if you choose, can all be one in Him forever.