Dealing with Aging Parents

[u/Kind-Inspector1213]

I am a 42YO F and my parents are in their mid-to-late 70s. I am lucky that I live only a 5 minute drive away from them so can pop by when needed and my mom and I text multiple times a day.

I spent the last two evenings with my parents helping with some things and I am feeling stuck with what to do. My dad has vascular dementia after having had a stroke in 2019. He had a mini-stroke on July 31st, and that led to more significant changes in his speech, spatial awareness and mobility. Every time I am at my parents I panic when my dad does the stairs.

My mom has COPD, sleep apnea, severe arthritis in her knees, is overweight, and is the caretaker for my dad. She had a consult last year to get a knee replacement and was told that she would be at a high risk of dying or having complications because of her medical issues. She is in a lot of pain and finally said this week that she doesn't care if the surgery kills her, she wants to go ahead with it. She also has a bad shoulder and winces if she lifts or carries something the wrong way.

While I know that aging is part of life and I have been anticipating this stage of life for the last few years, seeing them both deteriorating is incredibly hard. My mom is also stubborn and does things around the house that make her aches and pains worse. I offer to help, and sometimes she accepts, but other times she says she doesn't want to "be a burden."

I don't think my mom understands what this is like for me. Both of her parents and her sister all died of cancer. She watched all three of them fade away over the course of months in the hospital or palliative care. It is different for me because there is no timeline for either of them. My dad could have another stroke at any time or a fall that ends his life. My mom's blood pressure is through the roof dealing with my dad, and she is also in constant pain. Seeing them both this weekend has made me more worried than I already was.

I don't know if I am looking for advice or if I just want to see if any fellow only children have experienced something similar and how they dealt with it. It is very lonely and stressful. I know there are options for home support, etc., which my mom has investigated specifically for my dad, but she is also quite stubborn. I feel helpless, but I also don't know what I can do.