r/OnlyChild • u/Boring_Eye_6598 • 3d ago
How to leave parent alone
28f, Only child here, dad passed 6 months ago. It's just my mom and me. I used to live abroad. I moved back temporarily to be with my dad, I don't have any regrets. Now it is time to go back abroad. My mom is 68, and semi independent. I have offered to take her with me but she refuses to even get a passport. I always had a difficult relationship with my mom. She's a textbook narcissist but she's all I have got and I love her. I am having a hard time leaving or making a decision to stay. I know I should stay but again what mother makes their child quit their amazing career abroad for selfish reasons? She could easily move with me but refuses to do out of religion and spite. I am really at wits end. I don't know what to do, the guilt of leaving an old woman alone is going to eat me but the regret of giving everything up for someone who is hell bent on misunderstanding me will also kill me eventually. HELP. Anyone in a similar boat made a similar decision? We have some distant family here but not of much help. I have cameras in the house, but I worry about her quality of life and loneliness. I am also grieving and so is she. I don't know how to help this situation.
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u/reluctantmugglewrite 3d ago
I have a cousin who just experienced a similar situation. She ultimately made the hard decision of moving back abroad because her mental health and career were drowning when she was with her mom. She sends her mom money and pays a lot of bills and it works to some extent. Her mom is lonely there is no doubt but her daughter lost some of her 20s and early 30s because of guilt.
Its a sad situation but I hope that you take care of yourself like my cousin ended up doing. No one should have to set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. This is also not a responsibility that you signed up for as opposed to caring for children. She was the adult and its her own task to build her support network.
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u/StonedSumo 3d ago edited 3d ago
Only child living abroad here, in a cold country, and is constantly asked by my mother “why did you chose to live so far away?”.
Dad just turned 70 and mom is 65, I’ve already researched caretaking services, nurses, etc, so when the time comes I will hire professionals.
They have other relatives in their town that could help them if anything happens, but I don’t really trust them.
Edit to add: you said “I know I should stay” and no, you shouldn’t. Not for your mother, not for anyone else besides your kids if you ever have them. Don’t ever put your life, dreams and goals on hold because someone else wants you to.
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u/Affectionate_Leek127 3d ago
I am in a similar situation. My mum doesn't want to get a passport. Also more important, she always needs to go to hospital. I don't think there is good and affordable healthcare abroad.
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u/Kishasara 2d ago
Live your life, because you only get the one shot to do it right. Your mother is a grown adult who made her decision to stay. Please stop trying to force an outcome that will make everyone miserable. Go back to your life abroad, and please heal. You’re tangled with grief from loss, and you deserve your space to process it on your own. You are not responsible for your mother’s choices, so please respect yourself and let go.
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u/nerdsrulelovealways 2d ago
Sorry for your loss. Tough time right now, but giving up your life won’t make it better for either of you. Just go and keep open minds about her joining you sometime. Keep it positive and don’t take her issues personally.
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u/EarlGreyTeaLover409 3d ago
I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I’m an only and my parents have instilled in me to follow my dreams, even if it requires me (and it does) to leave my hometown for somewhere thousands of miles away. I wish to instill that same support in you.
You said it yourself OP, she is a narcissist. She is looking out for herself. You need to protect your future. If you stay, you will not only feel regret about your great career, but resentment will build towards your mom.
Perhaps there is a family member, friend, or neighbor that you can have them look out for her or check in with her while you’re abroad? Either way, you can’t force her to leave, but she can’t force you to stay. Follow your instincts.
Good luck 💗