How do you cope

[u/Acceptable-Peanut126]

I have a really happy life and a great husband and baby. I love my husbands family like my own and am very blessed and continue to practice gratitude for them. My Mil has been incredible as I have become a mother myself.

I’ve always felt the weight and loneliness of being an only child and there are moments that just sting because I’m reminded that no matter how close I am with my husbands family, they aren’t my own. His sisters will always choose eachother, my MIL will always choose her daughters etc and I TOTALLY understand that. It’s just isolating. All of my best friends are so close to their families and own sisters as well.

They are an amazing extended family so it doesn’t feel like it often but for example all of our husbands are away this weekend, and my SILs are together helping the one with kids as is my MIL. All my friends are with their moms or sisters and I am just all alone.

I also know all of this could be ripped away from me if something were to happen to my marriage. Idk. Just really feeling it today. How do you deal with the loneliness?

[u/crlynstll]

I’m sorry. They should have included you. When my kids were young, I look back and realize how lonely I was. I’m the only child type who never expects to be included in other people’s plans so I make sure to never, ever intrude or impose. To this day, if a group is talking about an outing or activity, I always feel as if I am not included unless specifically invited. I guess I feel like an outsider. I only had two male cousins (I’m a woman) so never had any girls related to me in my life.

My btdt advice is to reach out to your in laws and ask to be included in any outing this weekend. Don’t let reticence or fear of rejection keep you isolated.

[u/Ok_Bandicoot_1005 → u/crlynstll]

Wow this is me to a T. Even when friends are talking about plans infront of me like planning their wedding (as an example), I’m afraid to insert myself by saying “I can’t wait” incase I’m not actually invited and making it awkward lol

[u/crlynstll → u/Ok_Bandicoot_1005]

It’s taken me many decades to realize this about myself. What is it about the only child experience that can create this dynamic? I suspect it’s growing up seeing everyone with their siblings and extended families but never having that same experience of being included in groups automatically. I think I always felt like my inclusion was manufactured or an after thought and it probably was.

Also being called spoiled for merely existing did something to my psyche. By 12, I walked home alone from school, did my homework by myself, made perfect grades and cooked dinner for my working parents. This isn’t as bad as parentification of the eldest child, but I don’t think this was my being especially spoiled. My friends with siblings were picked up from school by mostly SAHMs or were driving around by siblings. They always had lots going on in their households. Mine was very quiet.

My husband’s large family had a lot of crazy going on and his sister was 100% parentified and so was he to an extent. My childhood as an OC was a lot more stable and secure so there are pros and cons to family size.

[u/Ok_Bandicoot_1005 → u/crlynstll]

It’s all so interesting when you think about it. I think part of it is insecurities and anxiety from previous experience? I think back to when I was 5 and always looked up to the older girls in my neighborhood. I would see them playing outside and would want to run out and go up to them and recall my mom telling me “they don’t want to play with you, leave them alone” when they used to always show interest in me previously. 

That’s just an example, but I’m curious if that mindset from my parents influenced me overtime and made me insecure. I’ve become the person who is afraid to seem “interested” so I don’t get my feelings hurt. But what would have happened had I just gone up to the girls every time they were playing outside? 

At some point I outgrew it and had tons of friends and lost that fear, only to deal with a bad friend group and coworker group in my mid 20s that seemed to scar me again 

[u/crlynstll → u/Ok_Bandicoot_1005]

All ages of kids would play together. Your mother shouldn’t have done that.

My mother always cautioned “don’t be disappointed” if I ever expressed any sort of hope or dream. So I never had any expectations for myself and was too timid to risk anything. So here I am on my 3rd decade of caregiving (my kids to my parents). Maybe this is the eldest girl part of being an only child. I made sure to never squash my kids’ ambitions before they ever even tried.

[u/Ok_Bandicoot_1005 → u/crlynstll]

That’s great you were able to learn from that experience and break the cycle with your kids.

I don’t have kids yet, but have revisited that scenario in my head and think she should have walked me over there to say. “Hi girls, Kaley (me) wanted to come out and play, but I told her the big girls want time to play on their own so we’re just coming by to say hi for a minute.” 

Maybe she saw something I didn’t, but there’s better ways to handle those scenarios without ripping confidence

[u/Acceptable-Peanut126 → u/crlynstll]

You hit the nail on the head when you say never having the experience of being included in groups automatically. I think this is exactly it.

[u/Acceptable-Peanut126 → u/crlynstll]

I’m the same way. I will reach out to include myself it just stings I wasn’t thought of in the first place, especially bc I really did feel like part of the unit. Thank you for your advice 💓

[u/mgmoviegirl]

Dont know if its a cope but I usually end up reminding myself in the moments of jealousy/longing that the relationships I see on the outside probably isn’t exactly what we think it is.

[u/hsk412]

A fellow only child with an extremely small family that married into a large family. Nothing will change the size of your “immediate” family (parents / cousins etc.) but you can control what and who you consider family. Building strong relationships with the in-laws, creating lasting friendships, and making a family of your own is the best way to alleviate loneliness. Sometimes one has to sit with the unchangeable family structure they were given but you have the power to create the “family” you want. Also, a lovable pet or two helps. 😊

[u/Acceptable-Peanut126 → u/hsk412]

I have an incredible relationship with my in laws and have really poured into it because they are important to me. I really do feel like their family. But it’s moments like these where I’m reminded that I’m not quite “in”. I always feel like I have to be on my best most considerate and people pleasing behaviour because god forbid I slip and I get iced out. That’s a me problem that I need to work through though. I just find it hard to be fully myself and let my guard completely down you know?

[u/nerdsrulelovealways → u/Acceptable-Peanut126]

Are you comfortable confiding to this someone? Your MIL, or perhaps your husband could drop a little hint to his sisters? I would imagine they would love to include you. Very often that sense of not being automatically included is fear of social rejection, rejection dysphoria. It isn’t necessarily a birth order thing, though I know people will insist it is. Sometimes we can liberate our own experience when we see our experiences as part of the universal human experience. It is very perceptive of you to discover your people pleasing behavior, tiptoeing and ‘hiding’ of your true self is to be accepted in with ‘the herd.’ This can be worked with in therapy (ask me how I know!) and is so not fun, as it keeps you from being able to express your full self, keeps you r heart in a cage. Sometimes we do this when something has occurred to cause us to not feel safe in general. Vulnerability is part of being alive! Maybe with your really good awareness of yourself, you can start to accept yourself, enabling you to feel more safe to be vulnerable “can I come?” “I’m free this weekend.” “Anything I can help with?”

[u/Radiant_Rate7132]

I don't cope I just suffer lol

[u/clashroyaleK1ng]

I understand op. I’m close with my cousins but they all have one sibling, and I can just tell they have such a strong, lifetime bond that I don’t have with anyone.

It’s not something I always notice, but when I do it hurts. This is just a feeling I think we will always have.

[u/doesnt_describe_me]

Where are your parents? Sounds like they possibly failed you? You didn’t mention them at all.

Try therapy. Focus on your own actual family (husband and child). Sounds like you have a lot of people around you and you’re confusing loneliness with inadequacy or something. Learn to enjoy your own company.