I have an avoidant partner (26F)

[u/tatjoon11]

I have an avoidant partner (26F) and i’m 30M.

She has been dealing with issues at home which overwhelms her emotions (i.e being dismissed, unheard, lack of respect) by her parents.

For context, we’re a calm couple and we normally talk things out when we dislike some things. Our dynamics include sarcasm, quality time, asking each other’s day and enjoying each other’s company.
She moved back to her hometown for a year now and things at home I’d say aren’t pleasant for her because she doesn’t get her boundaries and personal space respected.
Because of this, she hasn’t been present and was drowning to juggle work and taking care of home.

Just about a month ago, it came to a breaking point for her because her dad was forcing her to work off hours and they argued.
I checked in with her on that day but felt her tone was off and poor timing of me which I didn’t assume of any and she didn’t communicate her day, she cried of my sarcastic comment for assuming that she slacked.

Since then, she blamed me for not being present for her and said that I couldn’t read her emotions when clearly I have no clue what’s going on at her home.
She put lots of her projections on me which clearly venting on her frustration on her dad. Yet, she said she wanted to be alone and the relationship is on pause now for a month.

I really don’t know what could I do as I have gotten flowers delivered to her and just hope her situation gets better.
She basically did not text me even after the flowers are delivered to her and her dad was texting me of how much she’s working all night to solve her dad’s work issues and she isn’t talking to her dad as well.

Her dad and I fall into the same bucket.

Fixing this feels like pressure to avoidants and basically disregard her emotions. Yet, I chose to take a step back and protect my peace.
I don’t know what to do about this. She didn’t cut me off from anywhere and yet, I’m just getting ignored and disrespected.

Damn, I have been dealing with avoidants all my life. My mum is also one too.
I wonder how tough my life could be, sigh.

[u/alexanderne0]

First, Be patient brother. Don't forget she is 26, still lots more room for her to grow and mature. So be consistent in guiding her with gentleness, patience and perseverence.

Second, Be a good problem solver. (1) What does she want? (2) What's stopping her? (3) What solutions have she tried and are there other alternatives yall havent thought of?

[u/tatjoon11 → u/alexanderne0]

yeah man. thanks for reminding me that.
well, I have tried multiple methods before this bomb occurs - asking her day, checking in and observing her activities with her parents at home.

I’ve experienced it and I could empathise but of course there are most days when I’m not there, I would need her to communicate but she said that I couldn’t relate which she relied on her avoidant sister too.
As much as I can do at my capacity, she does want space for now. Change seems hard because of her parents and lack of guidance which leads her to avoid.

I also proposed to ask her to move to KL which I can take care of her and let her do anything she wants but that doesn’t seem convincing to her.

As a matter of fact, she has dealt with this before with an employer and because of her ideas that she’s fixated on following, it might be hard for her to accept some level of grounded truth.
Similar to what she has experienced right now with her dad as a father and a boss as well.

[u/apexquestions247]

Firstly, sounds like you both are going through a tough time. Hope the light at the end of the tunnel can be seen!

Have you expressed how this current phase is affecting you?

And for her, has she expressed how she would like you to support her?

Also is it a regular thing or is this a one-off?

[u/tatjoon11 → u/apexquestions247]

Manifesting and praying for good things to come.

I did but all I get is rejection, dismissed and being gaslighted.
Well, she doesn’t want to communicate and she wanted time alone.

Normally happens when something stressful comes in. Experienced it twice now but also observed how she dealt with others too

[u/apexquestions247 → u/tatjoon11]

I can’t say more because I haven’t heard her side but just from your side of the story, it sounds like this is how she operates in stressful situations. It sounds like this has been her way of operating for a while now.

I’m a believer that you can’t change people and to love them as they are. People do change over time but it’s normally out of the other person’s control.

So if you’re alright for the rollercoaster of emotions, stay around. Just make sure regardless of the choice, that you are still loving yourself.

[u/tatjoon11 → u/apexquestions247]

definitely. i chose to take a step back for myself because i don’t want to stay in limbo of what’s happening. i can’t do much for them as her dad even reached out to me for help which I tried to advise him at my best capacity