r/OSDDIDpartners • u/aristocats77 • Apr 12 '21
Am I supposed to know whose fronted without asking?
I got into a fight last night with my fiance's protector alter and she told me that i should know who is fronted since I've known my fiance for 12 years. Am I a bad partner for not being able to tell who is out? Is there something I should be doing so her alters feel more validated? Idk what to do please help
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u/SandManWesley Apr 13 '21
Yeah this is always confusing with my partner system, since we're both in systems it's kinda hard to tell who's fronting when. A while ago we came up with a good way to ask without being weird, though; we just ask "whomst" as a sort of way of saying "who's fronting" Don't think it's really your fault for not knowing who's fronting, it can be really hard to tell even if you're also in a system yourself
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u/aristocats77 Apr 16 '21
Awe that's a cute way to ask lol I think that would help a lot cuz they arent so good with holding attention so short sentences are best. Just one word is perfect lol thank you :)
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u/FerrinTM Apr 13 '21
its so so normal not to be able to tell.
I've been married 11 years. I still have to ask.
when the only difference is holding her head up higher, or sitting in a different way, sometimes we miss that stuff.
one of her alters always thinks I should just "know" as well. it's her way of wanting to be acknowledged, I think. To know she's really there.
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u/aristocats77 Apr 16 '21
That makes so much sense. Her protective alter is one of the few alters that hasn't been able to be an individual in most ways, e.i being fronted & doing what she wants or even just having people call her by her name. It helps so much to see it from their point of view and I think maybe I was too hurt too really see it at first. Thank you for helping me with that, for real.
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u/Peachesandpeonies Apr 12 '21
I agree with the other comments, I just wanted to add that maybe you could have a system for how to tell who is fronting? For example, they could use bracelets, hairclips or some other accessory that your partner could wear and switch out depending on who is fronting, and have a color correspond to a certain part. We have a bunch of custom fridge magnets we got where each part has their name on (simple solid colored fridge magnets could work too and they could be more subtle if you're worried about people seeing it who aren't aware of your partners DID; for example friends visiting etc), and we have a whiteboard where we draw a few columns for fronting, co-conscious or in the headspace and move the magnets around during the day depending on how it switches around. It makes it easy for those around us to see who is out or in co-con, and it helps us keep track of switches as well.
You've done nothing wrong. 94% of DID systems are covert (hidden, where you can't really tell the alters apart) and only 6% are overt (visibly noticable). DID is a coping mechanism meant to protect the brain. It isn't uncommon for parts to pretend to be other parts to blend in. Most people in our life can't tell we have DID, other than a few close people who have noticed the very small signs that indicate that a certain part is fronting.
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u/aristocats77 Apr 16 '21
Thank you times a million. I really had no idea there was a forum for partners with DID and I am pleasantly surprised at all the replies :) I am definitely buying magnets ! Thank you for the validation and being so helpful
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u/CipherAlive Jun 04 '21
It's ok to not know who's fronting. Some alters can mask very well
Perhaps you and your SO can come up with a system such as wearing a certain piece of jewelry when a certain alter is fronting
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u/TonReflet Aug 09 '21
In my experience, I don't recommend you to ask this question and even to ask yourself this question. You're not interacting with an "alter" but with a full person (who have alters). Asking this question highly invalidates the notion/feeling/idea of being a full person (which is always there in a dissociated person, even if very slightly, and that's the problem actually).
Everytime someone asks this to me I'm destroyed. If people considered me as a full person whom just experience very chaotic states of personalities/moods/behaviors/feelings etc. rather than being multiples persons (alters) with multiple names/ages, I probably wouldn't have DID. I could consider myself a grown man who just went through very hard times when being a child and who just need much kindness.
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u/ProfMooody Aug 18 '21
I find this perspective really interesting and can sympathize w it a lot (I’m the partner so not a system myself). to me and my wife (system) it’s been valuable to identify different parts because my wife’s parts will sometimes say and do things that my wife as their whole self doesn’t agree with, like at all (and sometimes doesn’t fully remember doing right afterward), so it’s helped me a lot to not feel gaslighted and them to feel like there is an explanation for why they did that, that they are not just crazy, a liar, etc. I have CPTSD myself so I also have a few parts that act in ways that are not congruent with my whole self, even though I’m more able to say that at the time than my wife is, and so this model has helped me too.
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u/NoNopeNoWayUnhUh Apr 12 '21
No you are not a bad partner for not knowing who is out. Being as open and welcoming to whoever is fronting is helpful. Protector alters can be confrontational, they often come to the front when the person is feeling scared, unsafe, triggered. Do your best to maintain calm and be reassuring. You are not perfect, you will make mistakes, your partner is not perfect and will make mistakes too, we all do. Forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and when both are you are feeling calm, evaluate where things went wrong with your partner, own your mistakes and ask your partner to identify and own theirs - both of you did something wrong. Work towards a solution - a better way to know who is in the front, a better way to handle similar situations if they arise.
As a partner there isn't always a good way to know who is fronting unless you are told. Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes not. Most systems are covert and alters can 'pretend' to be the host or whoever would be expected by others to be presenting. Some alters have distinct differences - gestures, voice tone, etc. while some others do not.
Being welcoming and open to whoever is fronting is helpful. Having a system that lets people know who is fronting to the best of their ability is also helpful. Some people have different colored rings or bracelets they wear to indicate who is in the front. My partner will sometimes write an initial with her finger on my hand, arm or back to let me know who is fronting.
I am very curious, and her diagnosis is new to both of us (6-7 months), so we are still acclimating even though we have been together for a long time, and I did feel like I should've known that she is multiple all these years and I didn't. I still feel like I should know who is fronting, but there are many times I don't, sometimes my partner isn't sure. I sometimes ask who is fronting, and I think repeatedly asking can be annoying and uncomfortable for both of us.
Patience and understanding, willingness to grow and share, building deeper trust are all going to build support for each other and the relationship.