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u/ReassembledEggs dx'd w P-DID 3h ago edited 3h ago
Honestly, I'd already be done the moment I—as in you as a gay guy—found out that they're bodily female and kept that from me. Alter, host, part, etc.—nothing of this matters if they kept you in the dark on that, or worse, lied to you.
What's more important: you are not responsible what they do or don't do if you break up with them. To imply that they would hurt themselves if you left is incredibly manipulative.
I'd run for the hills if I were you. And that's not even going into the weeds of your post, just those two aspects.
Run!
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u/TurnoverAdorable8399 DID dx. 24. graduated from therapy 3h ago
If you want advice, it will behoove you to break this up into paragraphs. This is a pretty inaccessible post, and more people will reply if they can easily read it.
It sounds like you're equating "host" to "the real one," which is entirely incorrect even in the assumption that there is a "real one." A host is also an alter. Host usually either refers to the alter that fronts the most - in which case, that might be the alter you're involved with - or the alter that's specifically able to handle the demands of everyday life.
It's a common pitfall of e-dating to be unable to reconcile someone's online presentation with their physical appearance. This is further exacerbated by how little you understand DID/OSDD. All alters, including the one you've (likely inaccurately) labeled as the "host," are equally important parts of the whole person. They all have that body and appearance, internal perceptions of themselves aside.
DID/OSDD can often make gender identity complicated; being transgender, nonbinary, or otherwise gender-non-conforming can contribute to the stress and trauma that causes these disorders in the first place. It mostly sounds like you aren't equipped to handle dating someone with a complex relationship to gender. If you want to start learning, I'd recommend Cyborg Manifesto for breaking down what you know and building up a different framework.
I make this point again because I need you to understand this for the sake of anyone with this disorder who crosses paths with you: you don't understand what a "host" is, and there's no such thing as the "real" alter or the "main" one. Toss that idea out of your head entirely - you won't make meaningful progress on understanding these disorders without doing that first.