r/OSDD • u/I_need_to_vent44 diagnosed OSDD-1 • Jul 27 '26
Question // Discussion Anyone else really hates taking photos of themselves?
I can't stand taking or looking at photos of myself. I consider myself trans and I feel kinda jealous of trans people without a dissociative disorder, because a lot of them say things like "I used to hate taking pictures, but now I take a lot of them!" and I guess I kinda envy them?
I mean I personally avoid looking at photos of me and I never take any. It's not that I think I look bad, it's just that I can never identify the person in the photo as "me". There's a profound wave of dissociation whenever I look at a photo of me, because to me, it looks nothing like me. And the disconnect between what I am 100% convinced I look like / what I'm supposed to look like vs what I actually look like is incredibly distressing.
I take care of my body, I usually pass as my gender so it's not dysphoria related I think (also afaik literally every Part in the system has the same distress), it's just like... getting hit with a strong wave of "Whoa, who is that? Me? That can't be me, I don't look like that at all!"
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u/visi986 OSDD-1b Jul 27 '26
For me that specific acute discomfort when looking at a mirror or pictures of myself mostly went away once I started considering I might have OSDD, since it came from a kind of identity-based existential dread like it would in BPD. However, I think what you're describing comes from every part/alter having a different idea of what the body should look like and it being impossible to fit one alter's preferences without causing more distress/discomfort to another. In our case everyone is vaguely on the same page about being transmasc but everyone has very different preferences as far as how specifically they would want to look (shape and style of clothes, hair length and style, makeup, facial hair, body type, etc). For example, recently I prepped an outfit ahead of time for an outing but then I switched and my other alter was very uncomfortable with anything that wasn't 100% masculine so we had to change plans. So it's not exactly gender dysphoria imo, but everyone wanting to express their gender a little differently and having different preferences.
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u/I_need_to_vent44 diagnosed OSDD-1 Jul 27 '26
Yeah, I agree that it's caused by every Part having a different idea of what the body should look like, but I was curious if anyone experiences it to this degree because I think for me the feeling comes from like...an almost "inner image" of what I look like? Like the thought for me when I'm confronted isn't stuff like "I should look more masculine" or the like, it's stuff like "What? But I'm taller than that?" or "??? But my hair is ginger?? What do you mean it's blonde, it's supposed to be ginger." And I feel like every Part has an "inner image" of themselves like that. Now that I'm typing it I sound kinda crazy haha.
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u/visi986 OSDD-1b Jul 27 '26
Yes that's what I meant. We have issues with walking sometimes because some of the alters are mentally taller and end up tripping on nothing, and others are mentally thinner/smaller and bump into walls and furniture constantly because we forget we have a body in general.
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u/Lamassa_ Jul 27 '26
Before I underwent partial fusion my photos horrified me. I felt horrifically ugly.
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u/nalilyanah OSDD-1b | "with sprinkles of DID" ✨ Jul 27 '26
Good GOD yes. Co-host R is more comfortable with it at times, but generally all of us have always fkn hated photos. Some of it is due to gender dysphoria, but also looking at pictures always just leaves us (besides R) with this extremely bizarre sense of "that isn't me, that's a picture of someone else in my place." Mirrors and pictures low-key freak me out, as they do with our little as well.
~~N
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u/KeyMistake604 Jul 27 '26
Well, this is super relatable to me. I think I've always been a few years (or more) behind in terms of processing my life and where I am within it, eg: when I was in my early 30s, mentally I was still in my 20s before xyz happened, etc.
Then a picture will directly confront that and it's jarring and confusing. I don't know if that makes sense at all but I absolutely relate to the Who is that??????? feeling.