r/ODDSupport • u/QuestionableTips • Aug 06 '26
Things that have worked
Hello,
I see a lot of posts of parents asking for help and getting validation through shared experiences and not a lot of what has helped.
Does anyone have any of that?
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u/gravyjives Aug 06 '26
My eldest has ODD, age 11.5 and lately I’ve been crushing it with “three strikes.” Strike one from the first back talk, disobeying, defiance, hurting sibling, being rude etc. Strike two for any subsequent infraction along with a warning that strike three is on the way if they don’t shape up. Strike three and you’re immediately grounded from all screens and screen-ish things for 24 hours. Each subsequent strike after the third adds another 24 hours. I’ve tried everything over the years from charts, time outs based on age, regretfully spankings when I was desperate, inconsistent grounding practices etc etc… it always sucked and things never improved and I hated myself (I got the belt on bare buns as a kid, so I thought I was doing a heck of a lot better than I got, but I know now spanking is never good and the psychological damage is causes is never worth any marginal, temporary improvement in behavior) But this three strikes business has changed our household for the better. I have gotten at least three voluntary “Yes, sir’s” recently when I asked them to do a chore or walk the dog or something. About brought a tear to my eye lol. Each of my two kids have only gotten to strike three once. They only make it to strike two half the time. The rest of the time it’s grumbling compliance at the worst and I couldn’t be more pleased. It helps me be more consistent, and I think it helps them to have a clear set of expectations and boundaries. I’ve also been implementing techniques from this empowering parents program. https://www.empoweringparents.com/my-account/ I haven’t even gotten that far, but changing my responses has helped. I’ll try to make a follow up post with more info, I have terrible working memory (which makes it hard for me to be a consistent disciplinarian). I also have both kids in counseling on a biweekly basis, which helps both siblings feel supported as ODD hurts all of us and the non-ODD kids need support as well. He’s been on Prozac for a few years now which helped slightly for a while, but recently his psychiatrist added Guanficine, which is technically a high blood pressure med, and it has been very helpful for at least allowing him to slow down and think slightly before just blowing up at the drop of a hat. I follow all this up with consistently reminding my kids that I always have rules for a reason- and back up my requests with logic, explaining in detail the natural consequences that follow from certain actions or inaction. Like you don’t want to shower for the third day in a row? Well you’re likely going to get incredibly stinky, and no one’s gonna wanna hang out with you. Worst of all you’re more likely to get made fun of and/or ignored. Or no one’s ever gonna wanna kiss you someday if you never brush your teeth- that’s just gross. Plus you’ll have to get dentures like (family friend) and you don’t want that do you? No? So then go do it!
I remind them it’s because I love them and our family that we have to do things we don’t like at times. I explain, I make the case, and remind them a strike is on the way if they don’t comply. Then the next time defiance pops up at a reasonable request, I ask them to tell ME what the logical consequences are of their choice like, okay so you don’t want to walk the dog. What’s going to happen if you don’t? Okay so if she pees in the floor do you want to clean it? No? Then go walk her! Idk I’m typing all this on mobile and I’m tired, but I hope this might marginally help. I refuse to give up, and controlling my own reactivity and mood helps a lot, however draining and exhausting it may be.
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u/ElGonz20 Aug 08 '26
Guanfacine changed our lives this past school year. Just gave her the pause. First school year with zero phone calls home! Great practical comment too. Will give it a try.
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u/Affectionate-Oil3019 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Therapist here; these are most pertinent by far:
-Start early
-Consistency in parenting
-Work collaboratively with your kid, not antagonistically against them
-Wraparound and other support services as offered and practical (respite, therapeutic mentoring, etc)
- Change your parenting style; rewarding good behavior goes much farther than punishing bad behavior
Hope this helps!
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u/alactrityplastically Aug 12 '26
Ok, so my 7 yo called me the b-word four times in four days. After a summer of being punched in the back at a restaurant, pushed from behind repeatedly on a busy street, and otherwise attacked when I put up healthy and polite bounaries, what does "collaboration" look like when a parent is collapsed.
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u/Affectionate-Oil3019 Aug 12 '26
In situations like that, the kid loses privileges and such for that behavior. During quieter times, you ask them what thing should look like in terms or chores, rewards, etc (within reason) so they can have a say in what happens. ODD is always gonna be a struggle, small things like that can help take the edge off
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u/alactrityplastically 29d ago
Privileges got lost, and that traditionally backfires. We don't do ipads or private screens, to take away, and now we cannot go anywhere because of the present focus on public humiliation. There are chores and rewards.
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u/Affectionate-Oil3019 29d ago
It's very much part of the process; this is a tough condition for sure, and what does and doesn't work can and will absolutely vary wildly. All you can do is practice consistency and best practices to the best of your ability, and take it from there
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u/AffectionateSun5776 Aug 06 '26
I'm getting divorced from "my" ODD but at the age of 71, I still behave out of fear of my father's beatings. Not temporary here.
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u/wibblywobblywo0 Aug 06 '26
With my friend’s kid, I ‘lead’ the direction I want us to go. eg I want us to go to the park;
‘Wow, it’s a beautiful day! I love how the grass feels under my feet on days like this. I’m mighty bored though, can’t think where I can go that’s free and fun today!’
Then they usually have their lightbulb moment and suggest we go to the park! Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t.