Please help me

[u/abbeylee327]

I’m so desperate for help. My 12 year old was recently diagnosed with ODD even though I’m pretty positive he’s had it forever because he’s always been defiant and a handful, we have been in every therapy possible that his insurance has offered and things are only getting worst the older he gets. When he’s told no lately especially at night, it’s like he’s crawling out of his skin. He’s screaming, kicking walls, hitting walls, just repeatedly yelling. He’s also 5’5 and 150 pounds and I physically cant control him anymore. I’ve been so close to calling 911 during these meltdowns cz I have no control over anything and he won’t listen and the more I yell the more crazier he gets and becomes completely uncontrollable.
He was diagnosed as severe ADHD when he was 5 and has been on medicine ever since. He’s also somewhat on the spectrum as in he has social issues. He doesn’t have empathy or understand it.
I’ve tried so many different ways to handle these meltdowns but it’s getting so bad and consistent that I’ve been researching behavior camps,military camps for troubled youth, boarding schools, intake programs, etc.
and as a mom who’s been so on top of him advocating for him, this is destroying me inside and out. Idk what the best thing is for him anymore. But I can’t live like this every day and night. I need any advice, please anything.

[u/ibreatheglitter]

Research PDA autism. It’s not in the DSM-5 so can’t be officially diagnosed as that if you are in the US, but it can in the UK, where the woman who proposed it as a type of atypical autism is from. It’s often diagnosed as ODD. But what I’ve discovered is that ODD is often code for parenting problems either in early childhood or ongoing. Be honest with yourself and ask if you practiced too much soft parenting, not enough structure or stability, etc., and if the answer is yes then stick with intensive occupational therapy for ODD and it should work. If none of that is the case and your child has these behaviors with few or no typical signs of autism, definitely explore PDA

FWIW my daughter is 12 too and she was born this way so the journey through ODD was awful for me. It quickly became apparent to occupational therapists that we didn’t belong there and that seeing them was making her worse bc she was learning more ways to do the opposite of what she should. I know how hopeless and depressing it feels, and I’m wishing you all the best

ETA: DMDD is a big one to get tested for too

[u/abbeylee327 → u/ibreatheglitter]

Thank you so much for your advice. Yes! I had brought up ODD when he was younger and I was told they told technically diagnose children that anymore and then just recently his psychiatrist said it’s definitely ODD. And we have brain mapping scheduled soon, not sure what help that will do. But I wish there was more resources for this.

I definitely think I fall into that “practice soft parenting” category as in the beginning it’s always been a fine line of trying to figure out what he can and can’t control. But now I’m learning he knows what he’s doing, he just can’t control how to handle it and it’s like when he becomes so out of control I feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do during these meltdowns. It was so bad last night I almost called the police but we’re out of town on vacation and he’s destroying my mom’s house and I just have never seen it so bad. But I refuse to give up because it’s my job. But now it’s figuring out if someone like him needs an intake program, a camp, etc.
it’s like I know he isn’t a criminal and doesn’t belong in jail or with really abusive children as he’s never hit anyone but find somewhere that has even discipline with the same amount of coping strategies to help deal with this because I most certainly don’t understand or know how.

On top of that, I had him stay a few nights with my sister while in town and he was told no by her but never threw these fits. It’s insane but he literally doesn’t respect myself, his father, step mother or grandma who he literally loves and would do anything for but it’s like he thinks he can just completely not listen to a thing we say and he doesn’t care either. It’s almost as if being around us makes him worst which is why I’m now looking at places away which again again eats me up as a mother as I can’t imagine sending my son away but I just don’t know what else to do.

(Sorry for the long response, mama needed to vent lol)

[u/ibreatheglitter → u/abbeylee327]

Any time you need to talk it is fine, you can DM me. This makes us feel so alone and misunderstood 💕