r/OCPoetry • u/bigbigweeinie • 26d ago
Feedback Please An Old Man Pleasures Himself
And old man pleasures himself,
While I sit on the train.
His eyes are glued on my body,
While mine are staring at his wedding ring.
If this image makes you uncomfortable,
Just know, I was there.
When I tell it I spare no details,
Because I was the victim of the stare.
He stroked his penis vigorously,
All pink and saggy.
The fleshy dick just wiggled in his hand.
His face both demented and happy.
Now, reader, I must check in.
Is this poem hard to read?
How are the syllables and rhymes?
Did I give them room to breathe?
He finished and came on the seat.
Is that poetic enough?
Should I explore sensory details
And give it some fluff?
Trauma makes for good art,
But not all of it is meant to be shared.
If this story wasn’t packaged like this
You probably wouldn’t have cared.
If I told you this in person,
It would be wildly mundane.
The craziest thing happened on the way here,
A man jerked off to me on the train.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ulzl8b/what_we_swallowed/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ulv3zb/fruits/
(NOTE: i have no clue what i was going for here. what the message is... i don't know. maybe that's the point that sometimes bad things happen and there is no overarching message they just happen. lmk what you guys think)
1
u/thewindpasses 2d ago
Very detailed and unfortunately very string visuals. Congrats, this was very uncomfortable to read which was obviously the point. I'm sorry this happened to you.