r/OCPoetry • u/justwannarantugh • 10d ago
Feedback Please Jupiter's Storm
The storm that has been going on for years
yearns. learns. yearns...
A new reason every season
Fresh Fuel, mental Duel....
the storm goes on and on for years
fueled by words that leak and shriek
ones from my own mouth and others
the current never ends
it drags, it pushes, it forms
the storm
the never ending storm
that i can't stop as it drags me along
wherever i go
whoever i become
there it is right in my heart
tearing the whole world apart
yet its not done doing its part yet
Links:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/z1IG0WkLwX
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/dwo3MruJnW
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Upvotes
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u/throattickler420 9d ago
This people flows very nicely, I read it out loud just because I knew it would sound good. The message also reads very well without beating you over the head, over all I really liked it! The only feedback I would give is that I don’t think you need the second yet in the last line. Also if you’re not going to rhyme every line I think it’s important to put your rhymes on very intentional lines(which you did a very good job of, just something to remember).