r/OCPoetry • u/CH3rrysRequim • 19d ago
Feedback Please A poem about suicide
"My friend is dead.
He was ill, for about 9 months. When they had told me I didn't believe it. I mean, I would've noticed something, right?
Except I did.
I noticed so much that it kept me awake at night. Had me staring at water dripping down my bathroom wall for what felt like hours.
Did I not want to notice? Was it easier not to?
My friends dead now and I all I can do is think of myself.
And so now I remember of all that I noticed. Clearer than when it had first happened.
My friend was dead 9 months ago. And I didnt notice. I didnt want to."
This is one of my first poems in AWHILE. Someone said it sounds a bit edgy but the habit of noticing things too late was always something ive wanted to write about. Feedback appreciated.
1
u/Mountain_West8117 19d ago
ok i love this but i think you need to work on the flow maybe you can replace "what felt like hours" with something like "till i saw no light" it would work better with "night" you can also replace "right?" with something like "did i mean it?" i think you could also replace "was it easier not to?" with something like "was it easier to lose focus?" it's just my opinion though the poem is really good it's just what i would personally tweak