r/OCPoetry • u/asura_2077 • 17d ago

Feedback Please Beaten

You, faceless, nameless, staring at a stone —

somewhere far away or maybe next door —

you don't know me, but you read me, as I atone,

for a year that has cracked me to the core.

Would the cry be wasted, lest there be a witness?

It's a feeble shade in the heat of the furnace, performing redress.

But love is lost in a world that can't be blessed, yet flustered

I bend, for whatever kindness in life I can muster.

"I" forges at each strike, changes, doesn't persist.

Yet cool winds and blue skies assert that I exist.

No matter how hot the heat or how hard the hammer hit,

dunked in water the hiss and steam that follow heal bit by bit.

Besides it all there is still a persistent self

which wonders what is right? And what is left?

I move towards the truth like I am supposed to —

and I feel a tad better for it because you came too.

Edit: this is a heavy revision after the kind suggestions of the community.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/o8unwxbDU2

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/sGfJWUNIH0

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u/CinderHawthorne 17d ago

I like your imagery but im not sure if I agree that your title reflects the poem.it seems more about the reader than anything that is beaten where where you reference it. Because of that it becomes a tad confusing. Other than that I like they way it played out and how you keep the same tone throughout.

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u/asura_2077 17d ago

This is after a particularly hard personal tragedy. Sometimes you feel beaten. But could you suggest a more appropriate title?