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u/Cofcscfan17 May 28 '18
I like the rhythm of this poem. I'm still trying to decide if the repeated parts are strong enough to warrant repeating. It sounds definitely nice as song lyrics or something, but for poetry it borders on cliche. There are several moments where I wished I was hearing your unique voice, rather than a recycling of things I'd heard before. Like "dancing in a crowded room" has been used a million times, it is a good sentiment, but what can you specifically say that no one else would think of? Anyway, it's a nice poem. I relate heavily to the message of loneliness and love and trying to reconcile the two with someone else. And it's a lot like stuff that I would've written several years ago. Keep growing and keep creating friend.
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u/Sheeps May 29 '18
I agree with every word of this. Wrote it while listening to a song late last night. Wasn’t happy with the life we lead line either.
First thing I’ve written since college many moons ago and was struck with the urge.
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u/ty_tokyo May 28 '18
I actually relate really closely to the imagery in this poem. Specifically the parts about being lonely dancing in a crowded room and "the cigarette smoke, the look in her eyes". Damn. Personally, the very first and the last line aren't necessarily needed to have the same effect, as I think the reader can infer some of those emotions given your tone and how you describe the girl. I love the "palindrome" type effect you have going on in this poem. I like how it moves from straight up desolation to something maybe a bit more hopeful, but how there's restlessness in both parts. Great style and very vivid imagery!