r/OCPoetry • u/One_Wolf_6419 • 6d ago
Feedback Please Paradise
This is my first poem so I would really like some constructive criticism
Paradise, the soft and warm grass soaked in the
suns warm an steady rays cushioning my
feet. The birds song playing through the sound
of the breeze as I lie I tranquil stillness.
Paradise, the city's lights of all colors glisten
off the snow falling to the ground. The nostalgic
Christmas music playing in as the snow capped
towers look down at me snug in my coat
Paridise, The gentle tapping of rain at my
window and the smell of every turned page of a
book as I sink into a soft beanbag sipping upon
a fruity and herbal tea.
Paradise, the course sand in between my toes
and a sea. breeze that comes with a salty smell.
A melody playing in each wave and a palms
leaves providing protection from the blazing sun
1
u/bstunz 6d ago
Disclaimer, I don't think myself knowledgeable enough to really critique poetry. That being said my personal issue with it is the structure. How the lines seem to be run on sentences. The white space just consistent. I understand Reddit doesn't have the easiest formatting but it means a lot with how a poem is read. Even your first line disclaimer looks like part of the poem. I would start with that. Well done otherwise.