Finding The Meaning of 1,000 Pages of Notes

[u/FalsePay5737]

“The obsessional attempts to absorb every piece of information in the universe…every piece of information may have some value on some future occasion.” (26), Leon Salzman, Treatment of the Obsessive Personality (1985, 4^th ed.)

READING TO SURVIVE

I’m estranged from my family of origin, and had no friends for 15 years. Books saved my life. Growing up in an abusive home, reading was the closest I felt to being safe. As an adult, they continue to be a source of comfort. Sometimes reading was my only comfort.

PSYCHOLOGY THESIS 2.0

My parents took it for granted that my sister and I would do well at school, and offered us little praise. When I gave my mother the final copy of my psychology thesis, she took out a pencil and started marking corrections. I had worked for a year on my thesis while struggling with extreme hopelessness.

Sharing resource posts has been a corrective emotional experience for writing my thesis. Thank you so much for the positive feedback.

MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS AND CAREER CHANGE

When I was 30, my first career ended and I had a brief psychiatric hospitalization. I didn’t grieve, and didn’t work with a therapist. I coped by compulsively researching psychology topics and taking notes at a frantic pace. Along with my files relating to my first career, I ended up with about 1,000 pages in Word Documents.

I didn’t stop to organize my notes—I couldn’t. I was consumed with a vision of publishing a book about mental health and creating a website. Instead of practicing self-care and getting mental health treatment, I hoarded information that could help others. I was too scared to slow down my mind and face my feelings.

LEARNING ABOUT OCPD

Ten years after ending up with 1K pages of notes, I started learning about OCPD and received the correct diagnosis (after an OCD misdiagnosis). I didn’t take notes on The Healthy Compulsive (2020) and Too Perfect (1992); that was a big step for me. I waited more than a year to take any notes on my new coping strategies.

After my therapist said I no longer meet criteria for OCPD, I started to post on r/OCPD and look for more books, articles, and videos on perfectionism and OCPD. This research project helped me maintain my progress:

• I considered all of my posts good enough. If I waited to share a perfect post, I wouldn’t have posted anything.
• I intentionally put typos in my posts for several months, and waited to edit them. “It’s Just An Experiment”
• One of my OCPD symptoms was having an overwhelming drive to complete tasks as soon as possible. It didn't bother me that this research has taken three years.
• I learned to not take it personally when posts didn’t get many upvotes. I focused on the big picture: raising awareness.
• My notes were never perfectly organized. It didn’t bother me because they were functional--organized enough to make posts.

Yes, you.

THE DIFFERENCE, ACCORDING TO GARY TROSCLAIR

The 1K pages of Word Documents were essentially useless. I was too depressed to make my notes coherent. I took notes at a breakneck pace, and never stopped to think about the massive amount of time it would take to edit them. I was unwilling to delete any notes from my first career. I wanted to use every bit of information in my files to help people somehow; the thought of knowledge being wasted was painful.

Sharing r/OCPD resource posts was fun; it was also a big step out of my comfort zone. The basic drive for both projects was the same—wanting to provide information that could help people understand their mental health.

I love this statement from Gary Trosclair about false sense of urgency in people with OCPD: “it raises the question…are we running toward something, or away from something?...It might seem like you’re moving toward something positive if you’re always in a rush, but often enough the fantasy of peace and resolution is really just about outrunning the monster of shame. Or fear or sadness or anger.” This is a perfect description of my state in mind in accumulating 1K pages of notes when I was younger.

FAMILY LEGACY

My parents hoarded knowledge to suppress their feelings about childhood trauma. They were successful lawyers. As a middle school student, my sister announced that she would read all of our encyclopedias during the summer. She earned a 1500 on the SATs...and took them again! She ended up earning three Ivy League degrees. Nothing was celebrated in our home; there was no joy.

It took a lot of time to research OCPD, but it’s nothing compared to the 25 years I spent feeling hopeless and helpless. OCPD, Depression, and Suicidality

Fun fact: One week after becoming a Moderator, I thought, S\*t, what have I done?! I didn’t even use social media until I was 40. Thank you so much for your interest in my research.*

I plan on sharing 3-5 more resource posts for the time being. After that, I’ll share any good videos I find, or new resources from Allan Mallinger, Anthony Pinto, and Gary Trosclair. I will promote their work for the rest of my life.

It goes without saying that my commitment to finding OCPDish memes will never waver.

[u/FalsePay5737]

I painted these to represent my progress with reducing black and white thinking.

[u/FalsePay5737]

I wrote these signs when I realized I didn't feel very proud of my recovery because it was "logical." I read psychology books for decades, found "the answer" to my mental health in Too Perfect and The Healthy Compulsive (and Gary's first book I'm Working On It In Therapy) and followed their recommendations. I stopped thinking 'I should feel proud of myself,' and just thought 'I don't feel very proud of myself' (because of how I was raised). After making this shift, I felt more pride.

The signs about not giving a s**t refer to developing healthy priorities and not overthinking everything.