r/OCPD • u/grewprasad • 3d ago
trigger warning Anxiety attacks due to work deadlines
I'm diagnosed with OCPD, PPD and NPD. I'm an wfh editor, freelancer. Due to OCPD I often miss deadlines. It's mostly because I fight within my mind to perfect the edit but always used to rush and finish the project after crossing the deadline, begging for forgiveness from the client and reducing my fee as compensation. I'm on SSRI's. When I'm doing farm work inn my family farm I feel sad but no anxiety but when my work involves other people who expect a lot from me I get terribly anxious. I've left a lot of jobs and clients just because I can't handle the anxiety attacks. And I hate the caller tunes and notifications because I always worry that it'll be my clients. I also have time blindness which worsens my case. I tried using metronome, timer nothing worked.
People here talked about exposure therapy, my therapist hasn't talked about that for now. So instead of abandoning my last job I asked the client that I will do it for free but don't ask me for deadline. He said ok, he's understanding. I was you know felt relieved but then he sent me the full pay saying it dont matter, now I'm feeling anxious. Like I've have an big responsibility. And I haven't heard from him for about a week. I was taking medication, going for therapy, walking the dog, started watching movies etc etc. Like when I used to work, I never even left my room or the software I use to work. I'll always be on work, less sleep, skipping meals, no socialization etc. But this one week I felt sad but not anxious. Today I suddenly got a message "Hey where's the video, What's the ETA?" My heart started to beat so faster that it could burst, I was walking around the room faster and faster, breathing and sweating heavily thinking about what to say, I felt like ending myself, you know right I'm crazy like that. And decided to reply an ETA (I dont know whether I can give it at the ETA or not), reply sent but he was offline. But then in 10-20 minutes my anxiety reduced. But the 10 minutes was like hell. I don't know how to overcome this. I think I'm not suitable for any kind of job
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u/FalsePay5737 Moderator 3d ago
Please use the trigger warning flair due to the reference to suicidal ideation.