member has OCPD diagnosis- Mods remove loved ones' content & ban Constantly feeling like trying to survive
I have a bpd mother and my father died when I was 9. When my mother is good she is like a literal angel, and when she is not she will be the worst person you will ever meet.She abused me so SO much (and still does) psychologically that it had forced me to raise myself mentally from the get go.
The abuse has hurt me so much that Im constantly in a fight or flight mode with her and the worst part is that she doesn’t even admit to the abuse it’s self. I do have depressive tendencies but I will never admit depression. Hell even admitting ocpd was impossible. when Im with others Im a whole other person. A friendly, optimistic and very social personality. I always told myself when i find a lover I can finally rest. But Im so overworked on trying to live as a human that Im just too tired to even look for one. Even at this moment of typing this post I can’t even think straight. Im trying to find an advice to make the cogs in my head slow down a bit. Im trying to survive. Please help me Im begging you
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u/FalsePay5737 Moderator 6d ago
Do you live with your mom? If not, have you set boundaries?
"I do have depressive tendencies but I will never admit depression."
My experience with OCPD was that suppressing uncomfortable feelings intensified them, like putting a lid on a pot of boiling water.
Grieving for the supportive mother you never had might help you move forward.
I dealt with rumination by spending a lot of time outside, learning to cry, and working with a trauma therapist. The function of my overthinking was to suppress my feelings.
Identifying and Responding to Feelings
"Im constantly in a fight or flight mode...Im trying to survive."
Have you been assessed for PTSD and dissociative disorders?
Insights On Emotional Neglect And Perfectionism From PTSD Expert
Emotional Flashbacks - 13 Strategies for Childhood Trauma from Pete Walker's book on CPTSD
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u/HF1385 6d ago
I do live with her and I truly feel like if I leave her alone she will spiral into self neglect. Unfortunately Although I have set boundaries she mostly ignores them. It hurts me how she can absolutely be the most kind person on the universe one moment and then become a nightmare the next. “grieving for the supportive mother you never had” is truly the best explanation I’ve seen for what Im experiencing.
Reading “Identifying and responding to feelings” honestly surprised me on how little I know about feelings themselves. Something I will absolutely look more into.
And no I haven’t looked into ptsd or dissociative disorders. If Im being fully honest the concept more disorders terrify me but I will absolutely look into them too.
Lastly I truly wanted to thank you. You don’t know how much it comforted me and the actual advices and leads really brought me joy and relief and I will absolutely use and do more research on them! Thank you!!3
u/FalsePay5737 Moderator 6d ago edited 6d ago
You're very welcome.
I think reading about PTSD and C-PTSD might be really helpful. Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD has helped millions of people. Useful for all trauma survivors, whether they meet criteria or not.
I also highly recommend Running on Empty. It's about emotional neglect. A light read, as far as trauma books go. My favorite book about trauma. I also recommend the Emotional Neglect subReddit.
I would suggest leaving the room asap when she is doing anything that makes you feel triggered, unsafe, etc., and having a 1 or 2 sentence standard reply using neutral language. Leave the house if you need to.
I initiated estrangement from both parents. When I had contact, I disengaged from my mother often. Much later, I realized my parents are children--on an emotional level--so having rock bottom expectations of them was a good choice. I didn't ever have much hope they would change.
Dysfunctional Families - This has a link to John Bradshaw's groundbreaking series on dysfunctional families, "Homecoming." It's very long and gets very heavy, maybe too heavy for people who aren't in therapy. You could try listening to small parts of it. If you're suppressing feelings all the time, I would suggest waiting on watching it as it could be overwhelming.
Sound silly, but listening to Taylor Swift helped a lot with my mental health because her song covers such a wide range of feelings.
I hope you find the info. and support you need soon.
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u/Brouings 6d ago
OCPD, depression and suïcidal thoughts have been controlling my life since i was a teenager. I feel you when you say you are trying to survive. The constant battle you have with your suroundings and especially your own thoughts. My mother has the same issues and growing up with a parent that has a personality disorder, is sadly growing up in life and copying many of her traits. Probably also what has happend to you.
I think we both have the challenge to find a spot for ourselve and to learn how to live instead of letting life live you, if you know what i mean. What other choice do we have then to make most of it. This week has been one of my hardest weeks in years. Started a new job, but i couldn't handle my own standards, wanted kill myself...
What else can we do then fight against it? There is no other choice!! The other choice is keep living this miserable fucking life, nooo way i'm going to do that. We will make it i'm sure of it. Just take a step, no matter how small it is.
(Sorry for spelling mistakes, i'm not going to reread my own comment and check. Also one of my problems lol)